Top Tips for Co-Parenting
See also: Challenging Conversations with Your PartnerCo-parenting, or shared parenting, is where two people who are not in a relationship or living together share the responsibility of bringing up a child. Generally speaking, this is likely to happen when you have been in a long-term relationship together, and it has ended. However, it can also happen as a result of a one-night stand, a short-term relationship, or a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement.
Co-parenting is often challenging, because it starts at the point of break-up, when one or both of you are often very hurt. However, it is essential that you try to co-parent successfully. Research shows that the children of divorced parents who have a cooperative relationship tend to be mentally and emotionally healthier—meaning that making the effort is essential for your children’s long-term well-being. This page provides some tips to support co-parenting.
Understanding Co-Parenting
The dictionary definition of co-parenting is simple (see box).
co-parent, v. share the duties of bringing up (a child) (used especially of parents who are separated or not in a relationship). Source: Oxford Languages, via Google
However, the UK’s Children and Families Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS)—the body responsible for representing children’s interests to family courts in the UK—suggests that co-parenting should be seen as a short version of the phrase ‘co-operative parenting’. The organisation makes clear that this is because co-operation is absolutely fundamental to supporting children through their parents’ separation or divorce.
“Parents who have gone through separation and divorce tell us that co-operation is essential to making things work well for their child during and following the painful process of separation.” Children and Families Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS)
The next section sets out some tips for successful co-parenting, drawn from real-life experience of separated parents.
Top Tips for Co-Parenting
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Put your children’s needs first
Your entire co-parenting approach needs to put your children’s needs front and centre.
This principle should underpin all the decisions you make together—and also the way that you approach your co-parent. It is that simple.
Before you do or say anything, ask yourself if your action will meet your children’s needs or be in their best interests. This may well mean swallowing anger and hurt—and probably more than once during their childhood.
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Communicate carefully, respectfully and fully
Communication is key in co-parenting.
There is general agreement that all information should be shared. You should not withhold information from a co-parent on the grounds that ‘knowledge is power’. That will not be in your children’s best interests. Instead, share information about your children and their activities and needs openly and honestly.
How should you communicate?
There is no one ‘right’ way of communicating. Some co-parents find that emails or a parenting app work best. However, others recommend talking because you cannot hear a tone of voice in an email or text message.
The answer is to find the way that works best for you—and enables you both to work to support your children’s needs.
It is particularly important to communicate about key dates and activities, especially as children grow up. Children often have a lot of out-of-school activities, and it is important to be organised about having equipment or clothes in the right place—and remembering who is going to take and collect them.
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Establish a parenting plan and have clear boundaries and agreements...
In line with principles of good communication, it also helps to be clear about what both of you are doing.
A formal parenting plan or agreement may not be essential—but it can also really help to clarify roles and responsibilities. This will allow you both to agree about how much time the children spend with each of you, and make arrangements for holidays and other special occasions like Christmas and birthdays. This approach can also be helpful for agreeing financial arrangements such as child support, or simply who is paying for which activities or clubs.
On a more mundane level, you can use a parenting plan to agree shared rules, for example about bedtimes, introducing new partners, and your approach to discipline. This will help your children to feel more settled even as they move between houses. Consistency is important to children, especially in terms of the broad expectations on them, and this will only happen if you sit down together and agree some rules.
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...but be prepared to be flexible
A parenting plan gives you a framework—but it is also important to adapt and change from time to time.
There are two elements of this.
First, you need to consider how you will negotiate and change arrangements over time, because your children’s needs will change as they grow.
Do you want your children to have broadly similar rules across both houses, or are you happy to have some differences—and if so, how large? This is worth discussing because children are often thrown by changes in routine, although there is evidence that they are quite able to accept different rules in different houses. You also don’t want to find that your children are playing you off against each other to get later bedtimes or more access to friends or technology.
The second element is being flexible with day-to-day or week-to-week arrangements to help each other out.
For example, if your co-parent has a family event on a day or weekend that falls within ‘your’ time with the children, it is reasonable to vary the arrangement to allow the children to attend. If one of you is ill, the other might reasonably step in to look after the children for a few days.
To flex or not to flex?
You don’t have to put yourself out for your co-parent, especially if changing arrangements would be really inconvenient (for example, if you have booked a holiday and would need to cancel).
However, you may be tempted to say no to a request for flexibility from your co-parent, just because you don’t really want to help them out.
If so, consider whether doing so is genuinely in your children’s best interests, or simply what you want. It is also worth thinking about whether you might need the favour returning at some future date...
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Involve friends and family if necessary
If you find it hard to communicate with each other directly, especially at first, involve friends or family members to help you by passing messages. Make sure that they are neutral and not ‘taking sides’.
Do not be tempted to use your children as messengers.
Remember, you are putting your children’s needs first—and they need to be kept out of your difficulties.
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Think about how you will manage when new partners appear on the scene
Co-parenting may be relatively straightforward while there are only the two of you involved. However, it can rapidly get more tricky when new partners enter the situation.
It is therefore worth considering how you will manage that.
For example, you may want to agree that new partners will not meet the children until at least six months into the relationship. You may also want to agree clear boundaries around school or nursery pick-ups, school parents’ evenings and other events.
However, once again, hold to the principle of your children’s best interests or needs—and not doing anything out of spite or just to make your co-parent’s life more difficult.
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Be mindful about discussing your co-parent with your children
There will obviously be times when your children want to talk about their other parent with you—either about the ‘here and now’ or in a ‘do you remember?’ sort of way.
Always be careful how you speak of your co-parent to and with your children.
You may dislike your co-parent and their actions—but this is your children’s other parent, and someone they love. Speak neutrally or positively about them, and never be tempted to say anything unpleasant.
Similarly, never be tempted to ask your children questions about your co-parent, their living arrangements, or a new partner. Your children are not your spies. If you have questions, ask your co-parent directly.
What if your children complain about their other parent?
What should you do if your children say negative things about your co-parent?
First, do not encourage them to complain or be negative about their other parent to you. Instead, ask them if there is a genuine problem, and if they would like to discuss it (or for you to discuss it) with their other parent.
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Make transitions as easy as possible
Transitions between households are one of the hardest things for children to manage.
It therefore makes sense that they are also very high-stress situations for co-parents.
There are some things that you can do to make them easier. For example, children should always be ‘dropped off’ rather than ‘picked up’—that is, the parent who has had the children should take them to the other parent. This avoids interrupting an activity or creating a moment of ‘but I’m not ready to go’.
It is also helpful to have two sets of clothes and basic equipment, so that children don’t have to pack up everything to move between the two houses. Perhaps not everything, but at least toothbrushes, toiletries, and nightclothes, can be doubled up.
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Do as you would be done by—or ‘be kind’
As a fundamental principle for how to behave towards your co-parent, ‘be kind’ is a reasonable starting point.
Treat them as you would like to be treated.
For example, give them the courtesy of telling them if you have a new partner, rather than waiting for the children to tell them. Keep them informed of events at school, or medical matters, and don’t wait to be asked. Tell them what has been happening while you’ve had the children, especially if it is anything fundamental.
Remember, everything gets easier if you treat each other nicely.
Whatever you are doing, just bear in mind that you may not be in a romantic relationship, but you are still both parents to your children.
Final Thoughts
Co-parenting is rarely easy, especially when navigating the hurt and complexity that often follows a separation. However, as the tips above illustrate, the most successful approaches are always anchored to a single, guiding principle: putting the needs of your children first.
The journey requires patience, communication, and a willingness to set aside personal conflict for a greater goal. It's a commitment to providing your children with the stability, respect, and love they need from both parents. By treating co-parenting as a serious and respectful responsibility, you give your children the invaluable gift of a healthy and supportive childhood, even across two homes.