When your child reaches adulthood, it is important to recognise that there is a fundamental shift in your relationship. Of course you are still their parent, and you always will be. However, you are no longer dealing with a child. Your relationship—probably changing and shifting throughout their adolescent years—now needs to be an adult one, not one between parent and child.

This page discusses how you can build a healthy relationship with your adult children. It explains how you can recognise—and show that you recognise—that they are autonomous adults. It also talks about what behaviours to avoid.

The Changing Face of Parental Relationships

Twenty or thirty years ago, most people moved out of the parental home somewhere between the ages of 18 and 25. At that point, they moved into their own home, or with a partner, whether to go to college or to start work—and that was that.

Changes to both property and job markets have hugely affected this pattern.

Many young adults are now moving back with their parents after college or university because they cannot find graduate work. Some people move back in later, often with their partner, while they save for a deposit to buy their own home, or simply because the cost of living in their hometown is too high to be affordable on their salary. A recent podcast suggested that around half of 18–29 year olds in the US still live with a parent.

As a result, parents are having to negotiate relationships with adults who are effectively lodgers in their house—but who were once their dependent children. This is challenging—but even harder when partners are brought into the equation.

It is unsurprising that many people are finding this difficult.

How to Build a Strong Adult–Adult Relationship

Building a strong relationship with your adult children does not happen overnight or by chance.

It takes deliberate actions, particularly from parents, to establish the right relationship. Steps to take include:

1. Accept that they are now adults, and responsible for themselves

   Now that your child has reached adulthood, you are no longer responsible for them

   You may still need to provide some financial support, especially if they are attending college or university, or if they do not yet have a job. However, fundamentally, they are responsible for their own decisions and actions. You need to be clear to both yourself and them that this is the case, and show it in your actions.

   This means letting them make their own decisions and mistakes, and not criticising or telling them what to do.

   In psychological terms, it may be helpful to use transactional analysis (see box) to move consciously from a parental mode to an adult mode.

   Top Tip: View your relationship through the lens of transactional analysis

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   The theory of transactional analysis states that everyone approaches every interpersonal interaction using one of three parts within them: the Parent, the Child, and the Adult.

   Relationships between parent and child often naturally fall into ‘Parent–Child’ interactions.

   This means that even when your child is an adult, you may still naturally use the same patterns of speech—and your child is still likely to respond like their five-year-old self would have done.

   The key to building adult relationships with your child is to try to consciously engage the Adult–Adult form of interactions.

   There is more about this in our page on Transactional Analysis—and it is well worth a read if you are finding it hard to break away from your old patterns of behaviour.

2. Be clear about boundaries

   Accepting that your child is now an adult and responsible for themselves does not mean that you have to accept whatever they choose to do.

   Instead, it is important to express and stand by your boundaries.

   This may mean some work on establishing what you really mean by boundaries (and our page on Setting Boundaries may help here). Boundaries are defined as what we find acceptable and unacceptable in our relationships with others. They are therefore about you, not about others—and very much not about controlling others.

   For example:

   • As an adult, your child doesn’t have to be home by a certain time. You therefore should not try to set a curfew even if they are living at home. However, it is reasonable to set a boundary that they should come in quietly if they are late. Consistently making a lot of noise late at night, and waking you up, might reasonably be grounds to ask them to move out—just as you would ask any inconsiderate lodger to leave.

   • As an adult, they can decide how to spend their money. You can’t tell them what to buy or not to buy. However, it is reasonable to set a boundary that you will not bail them out if they run out of money or make poor financial choices.

   • As an adult, they don’t have to get a job. However, not having a job has consequences such as lack of money. You should not nag them, but you can set a boundary that you will not allow them to live at home or that you won’t fund their lifestyle if you don’t think that they are making an effort to find work.

   It is also reasonable for your adult child to set their own boundaries. For example, they might say that they would prefer not to discuss job-hunting, or ask you not to visit them without pre-arrangement.

   When a boundary is expressed, you should respect it—just as you would with a friend or peer.

3. Communicate clearly—starting with listening

   Communication is key in building new adult–adult relationships, and it starts with listening.

   If your adult child wants to have a conversation with you, or seek your advice, do them the courtesy of listening to what they have to say.

   You can’t have a genuine conversation without listening (and our pages on Listening Skills explain more about this crucial element of communication). Hopefully you have been in the habit of listening to your children for many years, and this is just an extension—but if not, build this skill quickly if you want to maintain a long-term relationship with your child as an adult.

   Don’t shut down unpleasant conversations

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   Sometimes you may not want to hear what your adult child has to say to you.

   They may have a problem with something you have done, or a recollection from their childhood. They may be angry with you, and finding it hard to communicate clearly.

   These are important conversations. Try to avoid shutting them down.

   Instead, listen, empathise, and show that you have heard both their words and their feelings. Apologise if you have failed them in some way. This will feel uncomfortable, but is necessary to allow you to build solid relationships that are safe for you both.

   It is worth saying that you also need to communicate openly.

   Be honest about how you are feeling, and the effect of their words or behaviour on you, as well as accepting what they have to say. Don’t make assumptions about how they will behave or their views. Instead, surface and discuss things.

4. Keep things fair between your children

   Always make sure that you are dealing equally fairly with all your children.

   If one lives closer to you, you may inevitably see more of them. This is probably going to be especially true if they have children, because you may be more immediately available for childcare. However, try to deal fairly with them, especially when it comes to financial issues.

   Be aware that what may seem fair to you—for example, financial support based on perceived need, rather than equal shares—may not seem fair to your children.

   If you are giving to one, give to all—and equally.

5. Have your own life and interests

   Over years as a parent, it is easy to get sucked into being ‘just’ a parent.

   However, when your children reach adulthood, you need your own life.

   Your relationship with your children will be better if you have your own hobbies and interests, and self-care as a parent—even if sometimes you share those interests, and choose to do things together.

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What to Avoid

What should you avoid doing to ensure that you have a good relationship with your adult child? Here are three essentials:

1. Don’t criticise their choices or decisions

   It doesn’t matter whether you agree or disagree with your adult child’s choices and decisions.

   This is not your life. It’s theirs, and they need to live it their way. We all like to make our own mistakes. If they ask you what you think, then you can comment. However, if the decision is already made, it is best not to tell them that you think they have made a mistake. If they don’t ask for your views, then keep your thoughts to yourself.

   If you are asked to comment, it is best to follow the rules of giving feedback. Focus on how it affects you, and don’t get personal.

2. Don’t offer unsolicited advice

   Similarly, don’t offer advice unless it is sought.

   It’s actually that simple. You can ask if they would like your advice—but if they say no, then don’t push it further.

3. Don’t ignore any boundaries that they establish

   So-called ‘boundary-stomping’ is one of the biggest causes of friction between parents and adult children.

   Examples of common boundary issues include:

   • Visiting without prearrangement;

   • Offering unsolicited advice or criticism, especially about partners or personal life; and

   • Buying things for their house without asking first.

   All these suggest that you think that you know better than them what is good for them, which is almost certainly not the case.

   Adopt rules of common courtesy when dealing with your adult children. Consider whether you would think your behaviour was acceptable if a friend did that to you, or if you were thinking of doing it to a friend. For example, you wouldn’t simply go to visit a friend for a weekend without asking first. You wouldn’t buy them a new lamp, or paint their house, without checking.

   If you wouldn’t do it to a friend, or you wouldn’t like it from a friend, don’t do it to your adult child.

   That said, it follows that you don’t have to accept boundary-stomping from your child either.

   If you are not allowed to visit them without prearrangement, the same goes in reverse. Adult relationships are about mutual courtesy and respect.

4. Don’t involve them in your relationship with their other parent or stepparents

   Some things should be kept away from your children, even as adults.

   That includes your relationship with their other parent, or any stepparents. They really don’t need or want to be involved.

   Similarly, don’t get involved in their relationship with their partner either. Sympathise and support, by all means, but don’t ever criticise.

The ‘End Game’: Moving Towards Mutual Help and Support

When your children first leave home, it is natural that they will still look to you for help and support.

However, over time, the relationship will shift.

As you grow older, you are likely to need more help—and you will probably seek some of that help from your children. You don’t, of course, have a right to demand or expect that they help you. However, you can ask, and if possible, they will probably want to help.

At the same time, of course, they may still like to ask your advice, or want you to help with their children, or look after their pets when they go away—or any number of other small mutual services that families tend to provide to each other.

The relationship between you therefore changes to one that is based on mutual help and support, and is less unidirectional.

This is a recognition that both you and your adult child have needs—and as adults, you can both ask for help and support when you need it.

A Final Thought

It can be challenging to move from a parent–child relationship to a good adult–adult relationship with your grown-up children. However, it is possible to do so—and the rewards will be well worth the effort.

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