It is conventional to think of boundaries as walls or fences that keep people out—or at least, at a safe distance. However, psychologically speaking, this is not strictly true. Boundaries can be used in this way, but setting healthy boundaries within a healthy relationship can actually bring people closer, and make space for a stronger relationship. We might think of them as a gate, rather than a wall, in this context: the gate will open under the right circumstances, but also protects you when necessary.

In this context, a relationship can be any interpersonal relationship. This might be with friends, family members, coworkers and people that you know through other organisations, as well as personal and romantic relationships. Boundaries are important in all these relationships because they are grounded in assertiveness and mutual respect, and provide space for you to express needs and wants. This page explains more about why this matters, and how to set boundaries in your interpersonal relationships.

Understanding Boundaries

In a YouTube video, researcher Brené Brown defines boundaries as “what’s OK with you and what’s not OK with you”. Boundaries therefore set out what we find acceptable and not acceptable in our interactions with other people.

This means that setting clear boundaries gives us space within any interpersonal relationship to look after ourselves—while also giving room for the other person to do the same.

Boundaries also set clear expectations within the relationship about how we expect to be treated, and how we will treat others. Both parties know what to expect, and the relationship is therefore ‘safer’ for both.

The key is clear communication of boundaries, and the reasons behind them. You don’t need to justify or defend them—but you do need to explain why they are important to you.

It is also worth being clear that boundaries are not the same as rules.

Rules tell other people what they are and are not allowed to do. That might sound the same as what is acceptable or not acceptable—but in practice this is not so.

If you are concerned about the difference, consider whether you could state your boundary in terms of what the other person is allowed or not allowed to do. If the answer is yes, that is a rule, not a boundary.

Boundaries are not there to control other people.

This example shows the difference.

A boundary is saying that you want to be in an exclusive relationship after three months of dating. If your partner is not prepared to make that commitment, you will walk away, because you see that you don’t want the same things.

A rule is saying that your partner is no longer allowed to have dating apps on their phone, or that you want to check their phone to see who they have been texting.

Types of Boundaries

There are several different types of boundaries that you can set or need.

These include:

1. Physical boundaries are about your body and space, and also your privacy. An example might be to say that you prefer to shake hands with someone when you first meet them, rather than hugging them.

2. Emotional boundaries are about how available you are emotionally to others. For example, you might not feel that you have capacity to listen to other people’s problems for some reason.

3. Time boundaries are about how much time you are prepared to spend with someone, or on that particular interpersonal relationship more generally.

4. Sexual boundaries are about what you are prepared to accept sexually. This might include no pornography, or the need to seek consent for anything new. Some categorisations consider this a subset of physical boundaries, but others set them separately.

5. Financial or material boundaries are about giving or lending things to others, including money. You might, for example, set boundaries about who is involved, or how much or what you are prepared to lend or give, or the purposes involved.

6. Conversational boundaries are about what you are prepared to discuss. For example, you might not be happy discussing politics with coworkers, or prefer to avoid talking work when with friends.

More importantly, different types of boundaries are likely to be more or less relevant in particular circumstances or with particular groups of people.

For example:

• There are usually clear physical boundaries between co-workers, because most people are clear about touch being inappropriate between people who work together. Most organisations also have fairly strict rules about what happens when people do not conform to those expectations. However, it is unlikely that you will have to set these boundaries yourself.

• Conversely, you may want to set some physical boundaries with someone on a first date. Some people, for example, have boundaries about not kissing on a first date, or no sex until exclusivity has been agreed.

• You will probably want to set clear time boundaries with co-workers. For example, it is good to set an expectation that you will not read or respond to work emails that arrive between certain hours (say, 7pm and 9am) as a way to preserve your work–life balance.

• You may also need to set time boundaries with family or a new partner about when you are prepared to be called at work, or which times you are busy with established activities and not available to them.

• You may find that you want to set new emotional boundaries with friends if your circumstances change so that you feel less available emotionally.

• You are likely to have very different conversational boundaries with friends than with your coworkers or your partner. You will simply be prepared to discuss very different things with them, and on a very different level—and this is entirely appropriate.

Boundaries may also be affected by culture. For example, in many European cultures, it is normal to kiss people on both cheeks when you meet them. The distance that is considered ‘normal’ for social interactions may also vary (and our page on Body Language explains more about this concept, known as proxemics).

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How to Set Boundaries

The process of setting boundaries is relatively simple to explain—but not necessarily quite so simple in practice. This is because it requires a good understanding of what you want and need, which is not necessarily obvious. Communicating those needs and wants is usually the simple part.

1. Take a Step Back: Work Out What You Want and Need

The first step in establishing boundaries is actually to know what you want and need.

This includes both within particular interpersonal relationships, but also on a much broader basis. You need to know what you want and need in life in order to work out what boundaries to set in particular relationships.

Consider the issue of setting time boundaries with your coworkers. You cannot set meaningful time boundaries unless you know that you want a particular work–life balance because (say) you want to be able to pick your children up from school each day, or spend time with your partner before they start a night shift, or spend an hour doing exercise each evening before you go home.

You therefore need to know what is important to you, so that you can look at whether what you are doing will achieve it—and set meaningful boundaries around it.

For help with this, you may like to read some of our Personal Development pages, especially Developing a Personal Vision. You may also find it helpful to read our page on Career Management: Discovering Your Values because values often underpin what you want in life.

2. Pick Your Time for Communicating

Just like when you give feedback, you need to pick the right moment for communicating boundaries.

You need the issue to be fresh in your minds, but for neither of you to be angry or stressed. Ideally, you would discuss boundaries before they are an issue, but this is not always possible. Instead, it is better to pick the right moment for the discussion, rather than necessarily the moment that needs a boundary right now.

3. Set Out Your Boundary: Be Clear About What You Need to Feel Comfortable

Building on what you need generally, boundaries are about what you need to feel comfortable at that moment or in that relationship.

There are many different ways to set out and communicate boundaries. However, in an extensive post on avoiding being a doormat, Reddit user u/WearingCoats sets out a simple formula for this process:

Describe your feeling + create a boundary + communicate the consequences

The crucial skill here is to be clear about your feelings—and then to be able to articulate them. This means both to yourself, and to the other person involved. You may find it helpful to read our page on self-awareness to help with developing this emotional awareness.

You then set out the boundary, clearly and simply.

Finally, you set out the consequences of the boundary being breached.

For example:

“I know we’ve been friends for ever, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing your relationship with my brother, it’s a bit close to home. Please could we talk about something else? If not, then I’m going to have to stop coming round for a while.”

4. Deliver on the Consequences

Finally, it is essential to be prepared to follow through on the consequences if your boundary is breached.

Not doing so is simply inviting the other person to continue to push your boundaries all the time. We know that this business of delivering a consequence makes sense with children—but it also makes sense with adults.

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A Final Thought

Setting healthy boundaries is an important part of healthy interpersonal relationships.

However, it is also important that this is a two-way process. Just as you are allowed to have clear boundaries, so are others. This will ensure that you are both ‘safe’ within the relationship, and able to communicate and address your wants and needs. This is the hallmark of a healthy interpersonal relationship.

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