Meeting Your Adult Child’s Partner
See also: Coping with ‘Boomerang’ ChildrenOne difficult area for many parents is in managing relationships with their adult child’s romantic partners. After all, your protective parental instinct doesn’t disappear just because your child is now grown up, and you want to be sure that they will be happy in a relationship.
It starts when your adult child brings home—or invites you to meet—a new partner. You want to find out more about the new partner, and hopefully welcome them into your lives. This page talks about how you might behave to do so, and how to manage visits over the longer term as the relationship continues.
Let’s Start at the Very Beginning...
Meeting your adult child’s partner is an important milestone.
After all, if your adult child is living away from home, it is unlikely that you will meet any romantic partners until they are a relatively established presence in your child’s life. In other words, introducing you to their partner is a choice.
By making that choice, they are saying that they want you to meet each other, and hopefully become part of each other’s lives. It is a way for your child to see if their partner will fit into the family—though this might not be a conscious thought.
It is therefore a statement of intent about the relative seriousness of the relationship—and you should treat it with similar seriousness.
It is worth considering some of the questions that often arise when you meet your child’s partner for the first time. These include:
Where to meet
The first question is where to meet up. This is perhaps not as obvious as it sounds.
If you do not live in the same city, you may not have much choice about where or when you meet your child’s partner.
You are likely to be constrained by factors such as you visiting them, or them visiting you—and that probably means your house or theirs. However, if you are visiting, and they are not living with their partner, it may be better to meet somewhere for a meal or a coffee.
If your child lives relatively local to you, you have a lot more choice about where to meet—though again it boils down to their house, your house, or a neutral venue such as a café or restaurant.
There are advantages and disadvantages to all these options. The best choice is what you all feel is most comfortable.
One good option may be to involve your child’s partner in an established family activity. For example, perhaps you often go out to the same restaurant or do a pub quiz together, and they could tag along. If you are visiting, and you usually take your child out for a meal, you might invite their partner too.
However, you don’t really want to be visiting a new café or restaurant that nobody has tried before, because that could be tricky if, for example, it is very loud or the food is poor.
What to talk about
The general rule is to use the information that you already know to steer the conversation—or let them take the lead.
For example, if your child has told you what their partner does for work, you could discuss that. However, asking what they do could be embarrassing if they are unemployed or job hunting. It is reasonable to ask what they like to do in their spare time, and then discuss that.
If they mention something, it is acceptable to discuss it further. You can then ask questions to understand more about their interest or views. Take time to build rapport with them, by establishing some common ground. Be yourself, and let them be themselves too, and hopefully you will be able to converse comfortably.
Top Tip! Avoid questionable jokes and politics
There is no place for saying anything offensive when meeting your adult child’s partner for the first time.
Steer well clear of any questionable jokes until you have established a more solid relationship.
It is also advisable not to discuss politics or anything contentious until you all know each other better.
What happens next
The next step is to get in touch with your adult child to feedback about ‘how it went’.
It is important to stress that you should focus on the positives. Your child really does not want or need to hear about all the ways in which you dislike their partner—even if you do.
It is fine to express a few concerns, but make sure that you do so carefully.
For example, say what you would have liked to have heard more about from them, rather than that they have no small talk, or seemed to be avoiding any discussion about particular issues.
Golden Rule: Never criticise your child’s partner
This is an absolute. Never, never, express criticism of your child’s partner.
Not while they are in the relationship, and not after they break up.
Be there for them, listen to what they say, but don’t say anything negative yourself.
If they get back together, your words will fester, and affect your ongoing relationship.
Visiting or Being Visited
As your adult child’s relationship continues, it is likely that they will bring their partner to visit you more often. You may also visit them, especially if they move in together.
It is therefore worth discussing how you should behave and any rules around visiting and being visited.
First, whatever you have done before, it is important to stress that once your child is living with a partner, you should never visit uninvited. You should also not demand a key to their house or flat—and if you have one, you might even offer to return it. This is now ‘their’ house, not your child’s—and their partner is unlikely to appreciate potential or actual parents-in-law dropping in unannounced.
When you do visit, behave as you would when visiting friends, and NOT as if you were in your own house.
Take a gift, such as wine, chocolates or flowers. If you are staying, offer to help with meals, tidying, or anything else—but never criticise the cleanliness of the place or any décor choices. Make sure that you thank them for their hospitality when you leave.
When your child and their partner visit you, always be warm, welcoming and polite.
Check for any allergies or dietary requirements ahead of time, and make sure that you cater to them. Don’t expect them to help you around the house, because they are, after all, guests. However, feel free to accept help if it is offered, and the offer seems genuinely meant.
The basic rule is to treat your child and their partner as you would any other guests.
House rules or taking a hint?
If your adult child is bringing their partner to stay at your house, it is worth considering your approach to bedroom-sharing.
First of all, you have to recognise that both are adults. What they do behind closed doors is none of your business. You can’t stop them having sex elsewhere if that’s what they want to do. You probably also won’t stop them sharing a room in your house if that’s what they want to do—even if you put them into separate bedrooms initially.
The best course of action is to ask your adult child what they would like you to do by way of allocating bedrooms and beds—and then follow their lead.
And Finally...
You don’t have to love your adult child’s choice of romantic partner.
You are, after all, not the one having a relationship with them, or planning to live with them in the long-term.
However, if you want an ongoing relationship with your child, you do have to be polite to their partner, welcome them into your life, and generally put up with them. The key is politeness, courtesy and mutual respect. You may even find that you come to like them in due course.