Providing Work-Related Advice
to Your Adult Child

One of the more interesting shifts in parent–child relationships comes as young people enter the workforce. This event—or rather, process—presents a set of challenges and issues that they have probably never encountered before. For example, how do you manage a difficult colleague, especially if it is your boss? How do you ask for a raise? Do you have to attend a work social?

Your young adult child may therefore need plenty of advice and support in the first few years of employment—and who better to ask than their parents?

For parents, this presents its own challenges. Teenagers being teenagers, your adult child may not have been in the habit of seeking your advice in recent years. You are also now dealing with an adult, and a parent–child approach is not necessarily helpful. This page provides some principles to use as you move to this new relationship: from parent to ‘career mentor’.

Parents as ‘Career Mentors’: Why It Makes Sense

It is undeniably true that many teenagers do not always want their parents’ opinions—especially when they are unsolicited.

However, it is also true that young adults are often prepared to ask for advice, particularly when they know that their parents have the necessary experience to be able to help.

This is likely to be true about questions of work and careers. You have, after all, probably been navigating the world of work since you were your child’s age. That’s quite a lot of experience. You also have other advantages as a potential career mentor:

• You know your child very well. You know their strengths and weaknesses, and have been watching them operate for many years. No external adviser has this advantage.

• You want what is best for them. Your support is not conditional, and they know it.

• You have almost certainly been their chief cheerleader for years. They are used to seeking encouragement and support from you, and they know that you will provide it when it is justified. The flip side, of course, is that you are hopefully also prepared to tell them when they are wrong—and they know that, too.

These advantages are undeniable—but care is still needed to ensure that your advice remains both acceptable and solicited.

Principles for Providing Work-Related Advice

There are some key principles that you should follow when providing any work-related advice to your young adult.

1. Don’t provide unsolicited advice

   The number-one rule for parents as careers mentors is NEVER to give unsolicited advice.

   It will not be welcome, any more than unsolicited advice is welcome in any other area of life. Everyone needs to make their own mistakes, and find their own path. When your help is sought, then obviously you can provide it. Until then, keep your thoughts to yourself.

   However, if you think they are really struggling, you can always say that you have noticed, and ask if they would like to talk.

2. Listen first, then validate

   You cannot provide helpful advice if you don’t fully understand the position.

   Listen carefully to what they are saying—and also what they are not saying. Ask questions to make sure that you understand the situation and particularly what they want from you.

   Create space for them to talk freely about the challenges that they are facing, and don’t be too quick to leap to advice. It is entirely possible that they will work the problem through for themselves with a bit of helpful questioning.

   There is more about these ideas in our pages on Listening Skills and Questioning Skills and Techniques. You may also find it helpful to read our pages on Non-Verbal Communication, especially if you are finding a mismatch between their words and body language.

3. Adopt a coaching approach

   The principle behind a coaching approach is that everyone has the capacity and knowledge to solve their own problems.

   A good coach will therefore ask questions that enable people to explore their problems or challenges by discussing them. With work-related problems, you might therefore ask your young adult what they have considered doing, and what they think the implications might be. If you think there are other options that they have not explored, you might hint them in that direction, again through questions. If you are concerned that they have not fully thought about the consequences of what they propose, you can ask them more questions to encourage them to do so.

   Crucially, encourage self-exploration and self-discovery, rather than giving them the answers.

   There is more about this in our pages on Coaching, and you may find Coaching at Home particularly helpful.

4. Be prepared to share your experience—but carefully

   It can be helpful to share your own experience, especially if it shows your child that you too make (and own) mistakes.

   It is useful because it shows that you see your child as an equal now, and therefore help to build a stronger adult relationship between you. Additionally, showing the value of sharing mistakes openly will encourage them to be prepared to admit to their mistakes, which is always going to be positive.

   However, it is important to remember that the world has changed a lot in the last 20 years. Your experience may not be valid, so share it carefully and be sure that it will be relevant. It is also essential to remember that everyone likes to make their own mistakes.

5. Don’t do it for them—but do provide support and resources

   You will NOT help your young adult child if you try to step in to help them in their workplace.

   This is one place where they HAVE to do things for themselves. You cannot advocate for them like you did when they were in school or even college. You can provide support from the sidelines, but you can’t attend job interviews or meetings with HR or their manager. Do not be tempted to try, because it really won’t help them.

   Your role here is to point them towards suitable resources to help them.

   For example, instead of advocating for them yourself, help them to identify an appropriate supporter at work. This might be a union representative or a colleague who could attend a meeting with them.

   Similarly, you should not be compiling job applications or their CV for them. However, it is perfectly reasonable to help them by reviewing a draft and commenting on it. You might also help them to tailor an application to a particular job by going through the required skills and helping them to identify times when they have used each one.

   You can also ask people in your own network to provide your young adult with help and advice—but leave it to your young adult to set up the meeting.

6. Be prepared to let go of the outcome

   It is crucial to remember that this is NOT your career, or your work-related problem.

   You want your young adult child to own their challenges, and make their own decisions.

   That means that they are not always going to take your advice—and you need to be prepared for that. If that happens, just let it go. Ultimately, it is more important that you maintain a positive and supportive relationship than that they always take your advice.

In Conclusion...

Ultimately, parents are a powerful and useful resource for young people entering the workplace.

You are someone who they know will be ‘on their side’—but who should also be prepared to tell them when they’re wrong. Few external resources offer this kind of value. However, you need to remember that you are dealing with an adult now, and that means respecting their decision to ask for help (or not) and then whether to take your advice.