Supporting Your Adult Child’s
Mental Health from a Distance
See also: Parenting Young Adults and the Empty Nest
Many parents find that concerns about their children’s mental health and wellbeing keep them awake at night. One study found that as many as 47% of parents of children aged 12 to 17 years old were concerned about their children’s mental health. Unfortunately, these concerns don’t go away just because your child has grown up and left home.
Indeed, for many people that may make the situation worse. Instead of their children being right there, they may be many miles away, either at university or working. There are huge challenges in trying to keep a careful eye on someone at a distance. How can you check in and offer support without being intrusive? How do you spot warning signs of genuine problems? This page explains more.
Understanding the Problem: Mental Health in Young People
It is important to be clear: parents are probably more worried than they need to be, but mental health problems are still widespread among young people.
In 2023, data from a survey commissioned by the NHS found that around one-fifth (21.7%) of people aged 20–25 years old in the UK had a probable mental health disorder. It also found that reported mental health problems in young people increased significantly between 2017 and 2020, and have remained high ever since.
There is also a gender imbalance. The rates of mental health problems among 17–25 year olds were twice as high for young women as for young men. Young women were more likely than young men to worry about both money and their own health and wellbeing. This could well create a downward spiral of worry and ill-health.
Nearly 6% of people in this age group had an eating disorder. Interestingly, unlike the situation seen in younger age groups, there was no difference between rates seen in men and women.
Leaving Home: A Time of Transition
Many people find change and transition uncomfortable.
Our page on Personal Change Management Skills notes that change is inherently stressful because of the uncertainty involved. Leaving home is probably one of the biggest changes that young people have ever experienced. They are going from school, where they have been for many years, to a new level of study, or even to work. They are taking on new responsibilities for bills and rent. They don’t know what to expect—and on top of that, most are moving away from their established support networks of friends and family.
It is unsurprising that many may find that challenging, or that they may feel anxious and uncertain.
It is entirely normal that they might feel a bit homesick, or anxious about social situations or study requirements. However, for some people, these feelings may develop into serious mental health problems such as depression. The key for parents is being able to identify this, and know how to help.
Providing Ongoing Support
It is important to be clear that you do not start from a zero point when supporting your adult child’s mental health.
Instead, you are building on many years of supporting their health and wellbeing.
Over their childhood, you have helped them to become more independent. You have supported them as they learned study skills, and encouraged them to be resilient and develop a growth mindset.
All these are important now—and will help them to cope with the challenges of leaving home.
It is probably therefore best to think of what you are doing now as providing ongoing support to prevent problems. Ways that you can do so include:
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Keeping the conversation going
Your child may have moved out, but you still want to talk to them on a regular basis.
Just as with communicating with teenagers, it is a good idea to provide opportunities just to chat. You don’t really want to get into habits of only being in touch when you or they need something. Instead, build regular times to talk, perhaps through a family group chat. This also helps them to stay in touch with younger siblings who are still at home.
If you all get into the habit of simply ‘catching up’ regularly, you will be able to check in without seeming to do so.
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Be prepared to listen
Sometimes the best approach is simply to listen.
If you have done your job as a parent, your adult child probably doesn’t need you to solve (most of) their problems. They will hopefully just want to talk things through with you (and for more about this, see our page on Coaching at Home). Give them a chance to express and explain their views, and think their way through it. Act as ‘devil’s advocate’ when necessary to ensure that they have considered all options.
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Provide emotional support
Especially when they first move away from home, young people need to know that you are there to support them.
Chat on WhatsApp or via text, talk regularly, and maybe send them a parcel or card every now and then. Show them that you are thinking of them, but without being too intense about it.
This provision of emotional support may also include reminding them that everyone finds things hard from time to time. We all try to project a positive image, but it is unlikely to be accurate all the time. Most students struggle from time to time, and your child needs to know that they are not alone.
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Help them with practical issues
It is not always easy to know how to manage practical issues, such as liaising with landlords, seeking academic support or coping with flatmates and friends.
You can help by providing practical advice and support, including showing them where to find more information (and our pages on helping young adults to live in rented accommodation, and providing work-related advice to young adults may be helpful). Rather than solving their problems, focus on giving them the tools that they need to help themselves.
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Remind them to look after themselves
Young people are not always very good at looking after themselves, especially when they first leave home.
They may forget the importance of eating a healthy diet, or getting enough sleep, especially in the excitement of living in a new place.
It may be helpful to remind them periodically about these things, especially if they don’t seem to be focusing on self-care.
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Encourage them to do things for themselves—including seeking help
Self-empowerment is extremely important and can be a strong step towards avoiding or overcoming mental health problems.
Encourage your adult child to take ownership of their own problems and not rely on you or others to solve them. However, it is important to balance this with being able to ask for help when they need it.
Encourage your adult child to seek appropriate help locally if they can’t solve a problem on their own.
Depending on the issue, this might be from a tutor or student support at college or university, or their line manager, mentor, union rep or HR professional at work. The key is to give them to tools to help themselves, and encourage them to do so.
Dealing with Problems
The ideas above should help to address initial issues before they become serious problems that affect your adult child’s mental health.
However, if you are concerned about their mental health, encourage them to visit their GP or another healthcare professional. In the UK, they might call the non-emergency support line. There is likely to be a waiting list for help—but at least this action will get them onto the list.
They might also use a telephone helpline such as Samaritans, if they want to talk to someone outside their immediate family or friends.
Spotting signs of problems
At what point should you suggest that your child should seek help?
Generally, the main reason for concern is problems such as anxiety or low mood that last more than a few days.
Other signs include disordered eating (lack of appetite or interest in food), issues with sleeping, such as waking up early, or having trouble falling asleep, and stopping doing favourite activities.
They may also stop calling you, or answering the phone when you call.
Generally, if you have felt that your adult child is ‘not themselves’ for a couple of weeks, it may be worth suggesting seeking help.
What do you do if your adult child reaches a serious crisis?
First, it is important to encourage them to seek help themselves. If they can’t, or you think they are in immediate danger, you can—and should—call the emergency services for them, and ask them to send help.
Don’t Forget About You
Seeing your child struggle, especially at a distance, is extremely hard. However, it is no good damaging your own mental health through worry about your child.
You need to look after yourself and your own wellbeing too.
Make sure that you get plenty of sleep and exercise even while you are worrying.
And Finally…
One of the hardest things for many parents to understand is that you cannot solve your adult children’s problems yourself.
Sometimes the only thing that you will be able to do is step away and provide encouragement from a distance. However, you can—and should—always call for emergency help if you think they need it.