Managing Concerns About
Your Adult Child’s Partner

What do you do if your adult child brings home a new partner, and you take an immediate dislike to them? You might have concerns about their behaviour towards your child, or perhaps their education or employment history—or possibly you just don’t ‘gel’ with them as a person. How are you going to behave?

You don’t have to love your adult child’s romantic partners. After all, you are not the one who is engaged in a romantic relationship with them. However, if you want to have an ongoing relationship with your child, you do need to get on with their partner, even if you dislike them. This page discusses what you can do if you have concerns about or dislike your adult child’s partner—and how to give yourself the best chance to maintaining a good relationship with your child.

What’s the Problem?

The first step is to work out what exactly is your reason for concern or dislike.

There are many possible reasons—and you may need to react differently to different issues. Possible problems include:

• You just don’t ‘click’ with them or like them very much

  Over the course of your life, you will almost certainly have met plenty of people who were not ‘your type of person’. Most of the time, the feeling is mutual, and you just move on quietly.

  However, when it is your child’s partner, that isn’t an option—or is it?

  There are several things to consider here.

  First, you don’t have to be best friends with your child’s partner. You just have to be civil to each other, and get on ‘well enough’. That kind of relationship can work very well, even in the much longer term.

  Second, it can take a while to build rapport with people who are different from you. Our page on Building Rapport explains that it is harder when you can’t find very much common ground. However, it is not impossible. Keep working at it, keep talking—and remember that you do have one very strong piece of common ground: your adult child.

  Third, consider that perhaps they are nervous around you. If this relationship is important to them—and let’s face it, it’s clearly important to your child if they have introduced you—then making a good impression matters. That may make them tense and less open. They may also be naturally shy. Give them a chance to warm up to you, and understand that it may take more than one visit or conversation.

  Under these circumstances, the key is to give them the benefit of the doubt.

  The more that you talk, the more you will get to know them—and hopefully the relationship will improve. This may require some effort on your part (see box).

  Top Tip! Focus on the positives

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  Instead of dwelling on the negatives, focus on something good about your child’s partner.

  For example, notice how much they seem to like being with your child, or even how well they treat your pet. It can also help to actively look for shared ground, such as a shared interest that will give you something to talk about.

  If your mutual dislike or disinterest has lasted a long time, and grandchildren are involved, it may help to simply focus your attention on them. A strong relationship with your grandchildren could make your child’s partner much more tolerable.




• Nobody is good enough for your child

  If this is your fundamental issue, then you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

  This is your child, not you. It is up to them to make their own decisions, including about their romantic partner. You have to trust them to make the right decisions—and ultimately that means trusting in your own parenting.

  If you don’t, you can be fairly certain that your relationship with them is not going to be close and happy.

• You are concerned that they may be controlling or even abusive

  Ask yourself carefully why you think this may be the case—and also if you may be putting the worst possible interpretation on something relatively simple.

  For example, if your child says that they need to check with their partner before agreeing to come over or go somewhere with you, that is not necessarily a sign that their partner is trying to control them. It could simply be that they have agreed that they will discuss invitations with each other before committing, in case there is something in the diary already.

  Try to keep an open mind, and not immediately jump to conclusions. However, if you think there may be a real problem, the next section might help.

Managing Your Concerns: Some Tips

If you genuinely have real concerns about your child and/or their relationship, how can you manage your concerns?

1. Say nothing and just wait

   One option is just to do and say nothing.

   Don’t volunteer any opinions about their partner, and particularly not any negative ones. You don’t have to say anything positive either—just be neutral.

   Either there really is a problem or there isn’t. If there isn’t, then you don’t need to say anything. If there is, your child will hopefully figure that out for themselves. If you have said nothing, they will not feel that you are going to judge them or their partner, and they may be able to talk to you about it.

2. Ask questions

   Your perceptions may be inaccurate.

   It is therefore a good idea to gather more information by asking questions (and not ‘Is he/she being abusive?’)

   One very good way to approach the issue is by asking questions about how they feel about the behaviours that you have noticed.

   This allows you to gently seek out more information about their relationship, and the norms within it. This may expose the issues to your child—or it may show you that your concerns are unjustified.

3. Express your concerns calmly and clearly once—and no more

   If you really feel the need to say something, then do it just once, and no more.

   Be calm and clear about what you have seen and why you are concerned (and our page on Giving and Receiving Feedback may be helpful in enabling you to state your concerns non-judgementally).

   Once you have done this, then step away. Don’t reiterate your concerns at all.

   If you are given an opening, you may be able to provide general advice about relationships, but don’t be tempted to get into specifics.

4. Don’t be tempted to make ultimatums

   An ultimatum forces your child to choose between you and their partner—and this will never end well for you.

   They are very unlikely to choose you over their chosen partner, and that means that your relationship with them will suffer. Even if they do choose you, your relationship will still suffer, because they will feel that you have forced them into something that they didn’t want to do.

5. Keep communication open

   Make sure that you keep communication channels open with them.

   This will ensure that you are available to provide support if necessary. If they don’t call or text you, then call or text them instead, and keep checking in. Make sure that you are emotionally available to them if they need you.

   It may be helpful to remind them that every relationship has its ups and downs, and it is quite normal to want to talk sometimes, and not at others. Make clear that you are available any time they want to chat.

6. Never take sides

   Obviously you love your child, and you are always ‘on their side’.

   However, resist the urge to criticise their partner to them—even if they start the process themselves.

   When someone else criticises your partner, you often feel compelled to defend them, even if you were criticising them yourself immediately before. It can also cause problems if your child if thinks that you dislike or disapprove of their partner, and they may stop talking to you. Just sympathise with them, and stay as neutral as possible.

7. Let their friends and peers take the lead in expressing concerns

   It is often much easier for people to hear concerns from their friends or peers.

   Siblings in particular can be very good at highlighting problems in a relationship, because they know each other very well.

   If you are really concerned, it would be reasonable to speak to one or two of your child’s friends or siblings to see if they share your concerns.

8. Don’t boycott a wedding

   Even if you think your child’s relationship has no chance of lasting in the longer term, don’t be tempted to boycott their wedding.

   Your relationship with them is unlikely to recover—and then you won’t be available when they really need help.

And Finally...

You may believe that you see genuine signs of abuse.

However, you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

Your child has to want to hear your concerns before you can express them effectively. All you can do is watch and listen, and provide emotional support. Crucially, you have to let your child make their own mistakes in life—however hard it is for you to stand by and watch.