You may think that your parenting job is largely done when your adult children move out of the parental home. However, many families are finding that their adult children later move back in—the so-called ‘boomerang’ children. While this is normal in many cultures, it has come as a bit of a shock to many parents in Western countries.

It also creates a whole new set of challenges for parents. Having established a comfortable adult relationship with your children at a distance, you now have to build new arrangements based on closer proximity. You have your children ‘home’ again—but they are grown adults with their own views and ways of doing things. This page discusses how you can cope with this, and all emerge unscathed.

What Are ‘Boomerang’ Children?

Boomerang children are adult children who move back into the parental home after a period of living independently elsewhere (see box).

The phrase ‘boomerang’ children was first used in 1988, according to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary. This suggests that it is not exactly a new phenomenon. However, it certainly seems to have become more prevalent in recent years.

It also seems to be a peculiarly Western phenomenon. In many cultures around the world, multi-generational living is considered the norm. In other words, the idea that young adults would move out of the parental home is—on a global scale—unusual.

Why do people move back home with their parents?

Research in the US found that the incomes of multi-generational households tended to be slightly higher overall, but lower per head than other households.

This suggests that families often make the decision to move in together for economic reasons.

Anecdotally at least, in the UK the decision is often driven by a need to save for a deposit on a house. However, research shows that the majority of boomerang children made a financial contribution to the household, such as paying rent—albeit perhaps lower than market rate. You may also find it helpful to improve everyone’s financial literacy so that decisions feel fair.

For most boomerang children, the phase is temporary. They do not plan to live with their parents ‘for ever’, but it enables them to save money or pay off student loans (see case study below).

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Coping with Boomerang Children

Whatever the cause, it is clear that the ‘boomerang’ issue is here to stay.

For many people in the US and UK, it is becoming a way of life—and one that can last months or even years.

Parents and adult children alike therefore need to find a way to manage that works for them, and enables both to thrive.

Some principles that may be helpful in doing so are:

1. Agree a time limit

   It is crucial to establish a shared understanding of how long they will be living with you upfront.

   The internet abounds with stories of people who moved in for “just a few weeks” and were still there years later.

   Questions to ask to establish limits include whether they hope to stay for a particular period of time, say 2 years, during which they will save, or if they would like to stay until a particular event—for example, when they have saved a particular amount of money, or been able to buy a house. If they have moved back in while doing work on a new house, how long is it expected to last?

   It is reasonable to ask all these questions—and also put limits on your hospitality.

   In other words, you don’t have to accept what they want without discussion. You are also allowed to express your wants and needs. Agreeing a planned moving out date can feel a bit inhospitable, but it helps to make clear that the situation is not endless—for both parties.

2. Agree clear expectations and rules upfront

   The last time your boomerang children lived at home, they may well have been children. You set the rules, because it was your house, and you were their parents.

   However, they are now adults. The situation has changed.

   You need to establish clear expectations between you about behaviours. This might include, but is not limited to:

   • An agreement about household responsibilities

     It is a good idea to be clear about what you expect them to do by way of supporting the household. For example, will you eat together and shop jointly, or are they going to be responsible for their own food and cooking? Will you charge them rent, and will that include food and bills?

     Similarly, it is worth discussing and agreeing who is responsible for which chores around the house. This might include paying a cleaner for a few months to avoid stress. You should also talk about laundry, and who will be responsible for what.

     Discussing a few household rules like this will lead to longer-term harmony.

     Case study: A critical conversation

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     Melanie, Paul and their children moved in with Melanie’s parents while they were having work done on their house. On the first day that they were there, Melanie’s mother asked her,

     “What are you going to eat tonight?”

     “Er,” Melanie replied, “I hadn’t thought about it. What are you going to have?”

     “Well,” her mother replied, “Dad and I eat at lunchtime. You won’t want to join us, because you’ll want to eat with Paul and the kids later, won’t you? So you’ll need to plan a meal. There’s plenty of food in the freezer, so just get something out. We can shop together on Friday, and you can add stuff to our delivery order as well.”

     Situation clear.

   • Informing each other about your movements

     Consider—and agree—how much you need or want to share about where you are each going to be.

     For example, you probably want to know about planned holidays or overnight stays away, so that nobody is worrying about others’ whereabouts. Similarly, you might think it is courteous to say if you are going to be home late, or are staying out, to avoid anyone worrying. A brief discussion can avoid anxiety and stress.

   • Use of household resources

     It is also worth discussing the use of household resources such as washing machines.

     You may both have particular times when you want to use household resources. Being clear about these upfront can avoid conflict later. There may also be resources that you do not see as ‘household’ but yours, like a car, or particular gadgets. If so, be clear about this, because when they last lived with you, these may either have been shared, or absent.

3. Be mutually respectful

   It is very easy to let old relationship patterns become re-established when adult children move back in.

   However, this can be a mistake.

   The last time you lived together, they may have been rebellious teenagers, pushing the boundaries of what was allowed. You do not want this pattern to be re-established. You particularly want to avoid any patterns where you tell them what you expect, and they refuse to conform, or they use your resources and don’t replace them.

   Instead, work on the basis of mutual respect.

   For example, whoever uses something should replace it—and before anyone else needs it. If someone wants to borrow something, they should ask, not just take it. If they wish to listen to music, it should be with headphones. If they are going to be home late, they should come in quietly and not wake everyone.

   You are all adults, and you can approach situations together in an adult way.

   That said, you may need to remind them sometimes about what you have agreed, because old habits die hard.

   Our page on Setting New Boundaries with Your Adult Child may be helpful here, as may the idea of setting expectations upfront.

4. Be prepared to renegotiate

   You may think that you have agreed everything upfront. However, things can change, and how you or your children feel about something in practice may alter.

   Be prepared to sit down and renegotiate if something isn’t working.

   You may also find that you need to set out more expectations than you thought. What is obvious to you may not be obvious to someone who has only shared with other young people since they originally left home.

   You may find our pages on Negotiating Skills helpful here for generating a solution that is genuinely win–win, rather than getting what you want out of the situation and leaving them resentful (or vice versa).

5. Focus on the positive aspects of the situation

   There are many potential negatives of your young adult children boomeranging back.

   You may well have got used to having an empty nest, and now there are more people using the space, including partners visiting. Your home may not feel like your own anymore. You may also be feeling the pinch financially with extra people in the household. This can be a particular problem if you have been supporting them at university, and nobody seems to see a reason for this to stop.

   However, it is important not to focus on the negatives. Instead, be clear about the positives: they are saving money, you are getting to spend time with them as adults, and hopefully you like your children.

   In the case study above, Kate and Ria’s father, Charles, was absolutely clear about the positive aspects of the situation. He said,

   “This isn’t what I expected when they left for university, but it’s nice to have them back. Mind you, I probably wouldn’t be so positive if they weren’t both working hard and saving hard, but I know they are. It won’t be forever, so I’ll make the most of it now.”

   You may also need to encourage your children to focus on the positives, and not feel that they have ‘failed’ because they need to move home.

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And Finally...

Having boomerang kids move back in should not be a disaster.

Instead, see it as a chance to spend time with them as adults, and build strong and positive relationships.

Seen in that light—and with careful negotiation of expectations—it becomes a much more positive experience for everyone.

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