Parenting Children who Stammer
See also: Verbal DyspraxiaStammering is a communication impairment that shows up as ‘speech that gets stuck’. It is generally considered to be an issue related to speech, that is, how the words are produced by the mouth. It is usually not related to language (for example, not being able to find the right word). Stammering is surprisingly common, affecting about one in 20 children.
Parents tend to worry if their child starts to develop a stammer—and indeed, research shows that issues like stammering are more likely to be resolved if addressed sooner. This page explains how parents can help and support children who stammer, including getting further help.
A Brief Introduction to Stammering
Our page on Stammering explains that stammering (also known as stuttering and dysfluency) is a speech problem.
The person stammering gets stuck and can’t move their speech forward.
It may show as a hesitation in the middle of a word, or between words, or by repeated words, letters or sounds, or through extended sounds. There are often also physical behaviours associated, such as tensing the face or body as if to push out the word, moving the hand to hide the mouth and ‘tics’ such as blinking, foot-stamping, and finger-tapping.
Stammering varies considerably between individuals, and also for the same individual at different times and occasions.
Stammering in numbers
Stammering is quite common. The charity STAMMA estimates that around one in 12 children stammer at some point. Other estimates suggest about 5%, or one in 20. However, only about 1% or 2% of adults stammer. This suggests that stammering is a normal part of development for some children, and they will move past it. However, some people never do, and others need help to do so.
We still do not fully understand the cause of stammering, but we know that there is a genetic component. We also know that it is associated with both brain development and the motor skills required to speak.
It is, however, very unlikely to be caused by a trauma of any kind, or by parental activity.
This is worth repeating: nothing you have done has caused your child to develop a stammer.
Stammering has multiple effects.
It can act as a direct barrier to communication. This can be because the person hearing does not understand, or is not prepared to listen. It can also be because the person stammering tries to avoid certain words or phrases, and therefore has to find an alternative, which may not quite convey their meaning. Finding an alternative is much easier for adults than children, because they generally have a wider vocabulary.
Stammering can also affect a child’s confidence. Some children who stammer may try to avoid talking, or situations where they may have to speak because they feel embarrassed about their stammer, or they worry about what people will think. This, in turn, can affect their social skills and development.
When To Worry About a Stammering Child
The big question for many parents is when to worry about a child who has started to stammer.
It can be extremely difficult to know if your child is simply going through a temporary period when their language skills are ahead of their motor skills—that is, they just can’t get the words out quickly enough—or if this is a long-term issue.
The answer is that it is a good idea to seek professional help if:
You are worried about your child’s stammer; or
You think your child’s stammer is affecting their behaviour, mood, wellbeing or ability to manage socially.
It may also be worth seeking help early if other people in the family also stammer.
It is always a good idea asking for professional help and advice if you are worried about any aspect of your child’s development, including speech and language.
Speech and language therapy is particularly likely to be successful for stammering when started early, with a child still in pre-school. In the UK, you can get a referral to speech and language therapy through a health visitor or your GP. Schools and nurseries can often also refer children, especially if they are state-run.
Speech therapists work on both fluency and confidence, and will also advise parents and families on strategies that may help the child not to stammer.
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There is more about the approach used by speech therapists in our page on Coping with Stammering.
Tips for Helping a Child Who Stammers
Parents are often anxious about how to help a child who stammers. These tips from the Michael Palin Centre for Stammering provide some ideas. If your child is seeing a speech therapist, they may also provide some advice to you about what you can do to help your child. You will certainly be able to talk to them about what you are already doing, and what effect it has.
1. Slow down your own speech
Don’t tell your child to slow down their speech—but do make sure that you speak slowly. Project calmness and being relaxed about speaking, making sure that you don’t suggest you’re in a rush. Leave plenty of pauses in what you are saying, to give your child a chance to process what you are saying. This is a really good way to slow down the conversation.
This will clearly give the child the message that they can take their time over speaking. They are also very likely to follow your lead and slow down their own speech.
2. Don’t bombard your child with questions—and keep questions simple
We tend to build questions on questions, especially if the child does not respond immediately. We want to help, so we paraphrase the question and ask it again.
This can be stressful for a child who stammers. It suggests that you are impatiently waiting for them to reply, and they are holding you up.
It is therefore helpful to ask just one question at a time, and wait for the answer.
Experts also recommend keeping questions simple and less open-ended. Instead of asking ‘How was your day?’, ask ‘What did you do today that you enjoyed?’, or even tell them something about your day, and wait for them to respond.
3. Listen to them—fully and completely
When your child wants to talk to you, it is a good idea to stop what you are doing, and show the child that they have your full attention. Make eye contact, and use your body language to show that you are focused.
This also helps you to focus on the message, and not on the stammer.
It is also fine to tell your child that you can’t listen at this moment, because you are too busy. However, remember to tell them when you will be able to listen—and then make sure you do.
There is more about this in our pages on Listening Skills.
4. Find a way to ensure that everyone gets a turn to speak
In families, we learn to communicate appropriately. The conversation ebbs and flows, with interruptions and tangents.
However, this can be difficult for a child who stammers. They may find it hard to monitor the conversation and think about what they want to say. They may also be interrupted by siblings if they hesitate, and find it hard to interject into pauses in the conversation.
Parents can help by monitoring the situation, and ensuring that everyone gets a turn to speak.
You can even use an object to indicate who is speaking. For example, you could have a flag or toy that the speaker picks up, especially in situations like round a dinner table. Parents can then ensure that children don’t get interrupted, and can finish what they are saying.
Be aware, though, that everyone needs an equal chance to speak.
You need to be fair to everyone, and not give the child who stammers an unreasonable amount of airtime. You should also avoid giving them the idea that they will never be interrupted and can speak for as long as they like. This is not a reasonable expectation of life, never mind family life.
5. Build your child’s confidence by focusing on what they do well
This is not necessarily about talking, but other areas. Praise your child’s efforts, especially when they work hard at something, and feel proud of what they have achieved.
Top tip! Be specific in your praise
Make sure that you tell the child what it is that you are praising, and why.
For example, if you walk into a room and your child has put all their toys away, don’t just say “Well done!”
Instead, say “Oh, you put all your toys away, thank you! That was really helpful of you.”
This applies with any child, because children like to know what to do if they want to be helpful (or whatever you have said). It builds certainty, and that is vital for confidence.
6. Give each child ‘Special Time’
It can be hard to spend time with each individual child within a family.
The Michael Palin Centre for Stammering has found that spending just five minutes a day of one-on-one time with each child can really help.
Let them lead what you do, whether it is reading a book, or playing, or just talking together. Give them your full attention for that five minutes, without interruption.
Remember too that it is important to do this for every child, not just the one who stammers, so that it is ‘fair’.
7. Make sure that ‘normal rules’ apply to a child who stammers
If you would discipline another child in that situation, then discipline the child who stammers.
Telling a child off will not make them stammer more.
After all, you want all your children to grow up as reasonable human beings. This means you need to set reasonable boundaries, and then apply them consistently.
There is more information about communicating with people who stammer in our page on Coping with Stammering.
Other Ways You Can Help
Stammering is not caused by stress—but it is also not helped by it.
It is worth taking a look at your family life and trying to remove sources of stress. This may include both physical and mental aspects. For example, make sure that your child is eating a healthy diet, with plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables and as little as possible ultra-processed food. You should also ensure that they are getting enough sleep.
There is more about these aspects of life in our pages on Food, Diet and Nutrition, and What is Sleep?
There are two other things that are worth considering:
The pace of family life
Family life is often hectic. You are juggling several people’s schedules, and limited time, and everyone has to eat and sleep. It can get quite stressful for everyone.
It is worth looking at the sheer pace of family life, and whether it can be slowed down at all. Look particularly for times or days that are especially stressful, and whether you can do anything to relax the pace. Dropping an activity, or moving it to another day, might make all the difference.
Your child’s language model
It is also worth looking at your child’s language model. This means the kind of language that they use, and particularly how sophisticated it is for their age.
A young child using sophisticated language may be putting extra pressure on their developing speech motor skills.
If you tend to use complex language yourself, both in terms of words and constructions, they are likely to be mimicking that. Trying to change how you speak, and make it simpler, may be helpful.
What to avoid
- Giving advice such as ‘slow down’ or ‘take a deep breath’. It is hard for children to slow down their speech, especially when they’re excited, and breathing hard can actually increase tension. Instead, focus on listening to what they are saying, and not how they are talking.
- Reminding your child about any techniques they have been shown. It may be tempting to remind your child about fluency techniques. However, it is generally better to show that you are focused on them, not their stammer, by listening and responding to content.
- Don’t use negative or positive language about stammering. Instead of talking about whether their stammering was ‘bad’ or ‘good’ today, it is better to talk about ‘more’ or ‘less’. This avoids building the idea that stammering is a ‘bad thing’, and they should try to avoid it.
When children start school or nursery, it will be helpful to talk to their teacher or keyworker about their stammer.
The staff at the school need to know what they can do that will support your child—and also what to avoid. Chatting to other parents and building relationships with them will also help if their children have questions about why your child stammers.
A Final Thought
Unsurprisingly, what seems to matter most to children is that their parents accept them (and their stammer).
Don’t ignore it, particularly when it’s causing problems. Instead, acknowledge it in a non-judgemental way, such as ‘Goodness, that was a bit tricky/sticky/blocky, but don’t worry, there’s no rush’. This is probably the most important thing that any parent can do when their child is stammering.
And if you feel you need support too, there are groups out there that can provide it. Your needs matter as well, and you don’t have to feel that you are on your own.