Body autonomy, also known as bodily autonomy or bodily integrity, is the right to make decisions about your own body, free from coercion or violence. The non-profit organisation MSI (formerly known as Marie Stopes International) says that bodily autonomy has “long been recognised as a fundamental human right”, citing the slogan ‘my body, my choice’. MSI is best known for its work on empowering women and reproductive choice.

However, bodily autonomy is not just important for women. Educating children about bodily autonomy can also protect them from potential abuse. Too many abusers over the years have hidden behind children not feeling able to say no or talk about something that happened to them. This page explains more about why bodily autonomy matters, and how to help children develop it.

The Importance of Bodily Autonomy

The United Nations Population Fund describes bodily autonomy as “the foundation for gender equality”, and a fundamental human right.

However, what exactly does the term mean? The box below provides some definitions.

These definitions make clear that bodily autonomy is about being able to make decisions about your own body, and how you use it. It encompasses reproductive choice and freedom. Lack of respect for bodily autonomy can lead to gender-based violence and abuse of women and children in particular. A cohort study in the US found that a quarter of all girls, and one in 20 boys, had experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact or abuse by the age of 17. However, children who understand body autonomy are better equipped to avoid this.

It is therefore essential that everyone understands about bodily autonomy and why it matters.

What’s more, education needs to start young, because children need to understand that they have a right to control their own bodies—and also that other people have the same right.

In other words, they can say no, but so can other people—and both have an equal right to have that ‘no’ respected.

This sounds an easy concept to teach children. However, in practice it seems to be much harder. For example, how often have you heard an adult say to a child ‘Give Grandma/Uncle/Auntie a hug’? Crucially, how often does it sound like an order even when the child is clearly reluctant?

As adults, we do not feel compelled to hug people if we do not want to do so—so why do we force this on children?

Allowing children to say no to contact—even with well-meaning family members and friends—gives them the basis for saying no to any contact or activity that makes them uncomfortable, or that they do not want.

It therefore gives them permission to reject abuse without having to overcome a feeling that adults matter more than them.

How to Teach Bodily Autonomy

There are several things that you can do to help children develop bodily autonomy.

1. Name names—and parts

   Teach children the correct names for their genitalia and intimate areas.

   We use anatomical names for arms, legs and other body parts, so why not genitalia? Using the correct term normalises these body parts, and makes clear that there is no shame in discussing them. It also ensures that children will have the language to describe what happened if anyone tries to touch them inappropriately. This will help to avoid any misunderstandings if a child discloses abuse.

2. Model consent

   From the earliest possible age, tell your child what you are doing when you touch them.

   This models consent to them, even before they have words to object or agree, and tells them that this is how people should behave.

   “Mummy’s just going to change your nappy now.”

   “Let’s get your top undone and we can get you into the bath.”

   “I need to see that knee to know how much you’ve hurt yourself. I’m just going to touch it very gently, OK?”

   Normalise seeking consent for touch, or explaining why you are touching. This will ensure that your child expects this, and is startled when that consent is not sought.

3. Show children that they can say ‘no’ to adult contact

   It is essential to teach children that they can say ‘no’ to unwanted adult contact, including “giving so-and-so a hug”—and that their ‘no’ will be respected.

   This means never asking them or telling them to hug someone, but waiting for them to initiate contact. It may help to remember that relatives or friends may be well known to you, but they can be virtual strangers to your children. Encourage relatives and friends to ask, not order, contact, and accept a ‘no’. You may need to explain why this is important to you, and most people should respect and understand your reasons.

   If someone asks your child for a hug, be quick to say that it is entirely up to your child.

   It is advisable to say this immediately, so that your child knows that they can respond as they wish. If they say no and that response is questioned, endorse their answer, and explain that it is their body, and therefore their choice.

   You need to remember that your behaviour has to match what you say.

   You cannot tell your child that it is OK to say no, but then say ‘Aw, come on, it’s only Auntie X, give her a hug’. That simply tells children that they do not really have autonomy over their bodies, whatever you say.

   Similarly, if your child asks you to stop a particular game or play such as being tickled or rough play, you need to respect that.

4. Teach children that other people can also say ‘no’ to contact

   The ‘flip side’ is that children need to understand that other people can also say ‘no’—and that their ‘no’ must also be respected.

   Another child doesn’t want a hug from your child? It’s their body, and their choice. Your child needs to step back and not try to force a hug on them.

   An adult is uncomfortable with being climbed on by your child, and asks them to get off? Tell your child that not everyone likes physical contact, and to remember always to ask first.

   Teach your children that if in doubt, they should ask—and respect the answer.

   This is a very good introduction to the concept of sexual consent. It can also be used in the context of borrowing or sharing toys, where permission should also be sought, and a ‘no’ respected.

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5. Talk about the concepts of ‘okay’ and ‘not okay’

   Sometimes the same thing can be either okay or not okay under different circumstances.

   This particularly applies to two things: secrets and touch.

   It is unhelpful to tell children never to have secrets, because some secrets are acceptable.

   For example, you don’t want your child to tell you about the birthday present that she and your partner just bought for you. Later, you want them to understand that it is fine to tell someone something in confidence and expect it not to be disclosed. However, some secrets are not fine, such as if a friend tells you that they are being abused—even if they ask you not to tell.

   Similarly, a consensual hug is just fine. You don’t want your child to tell the teacher because Jamie and Julie hugged each other in the playground. However, unwanted intimate or inappropriate touching is not.

   How can you help children to tell the difference?

   First, anything that makes them feel uncomfortable is NOT okay. They should feel free to tell you or another trusted adult about anything that makes them uncomfortable.

   Second, anything that is hurting someone, including them, is not okay. Again, they should tell a trusted adult if they think or know that someone is being hurt.

   Another useful distinguishing feature is if the secret will become a surprise that everyone will know about. If so, it is fine to keep this secret.

   What if a child asks you to keep a secret?

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   What do you do if your child (or another) asks if they can tell you a secret, and if you will keep it?

   First, do not EVER promise to keep their secret until you know what it is.

   If they disclose abuse, you will have to tell someone—and that is not fair to them if you have said you will keep the secret.

   Instead, say to them that you can’t promise to keep the secret, because if someone is being hurt or if something bad has happened, you might need to tell someone else.

   This then allows them to choose whether to tell you.

6. As a principle, avoid assigning blame for anything

   As a general principle, you want your child to feel able to come to you if they are worried, even if they think they have done something wrong.

   You therefore need to ensure that when something does happen, you use neutral, non-blaming language. For example, instead of saying “Who did this?”, ask “What happened?”, and try to avoid jumping to conclusions. It is also important to avoid expressing doubt, but simply neutrally ask for more information.

   Always seek to put things right, or help your child to do so, rather than punish or assign blame.

   This sounds like semantics—and in some ways, it is. However, it enables your child to bring problems to you without worrying that you will be angry with them. This is particularly important if someone has told them ‘not to tell anyone’ and said that something bad will happen if they do so.

7. Talk to children about who to tell

   You would probably like to think that your children will always come to you with any issues, including disclosing abuse.

   However, this may not happen if the person concerned is close to you too.

   It is therefore worth talking to children about who they might talk to if they have worries or concerns for themselves or someone else. Other trusted adults might be a youth leader or activity coach, a teacher or teaching assistant, or another relative or friend’s parent.

8. Be open about sex and sexual development

   Conversations about sex, sexual development and consent do not start with teenagers.

   Learning about consent from an early age is a good starting point. However, conversations about sex, bodies, and growing up should happen in an age-appropriate way from early on too. Our pages on Talking about Puberty, Sex and Relationships, and Talking to Teenagers about Sex and Relationships provide some helpful ideas for how you might do this.

   Additionally, discuss media that may be ‘victim-blaming’ or otherwise problematic, and talk about why this might be wrong. Be open about societal issues, and why you disagree with particular perspectives, to help your children understand the issues around them.

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And Finally...

Body autonomy develops over time.

It is not something that you can talk about once, and expect children to understand forever. Instead, it needs to be the subject of regular conversations, and you will need to use any available opportunities to reinforce the idea.

It is fair to say that this is probably something that you cannot discuss too much, whether you are bringing up boys or girls.

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