Parenting Children with
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

See also: Coping Strategies for Your Autistic Child

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or autism is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how you behave, and particularly how you interact with the world around you. Our page on Understanding Autism explains that everyone with autism is affected slightly differently, and also has slightly different needs. This means that people with autism—and therefore their parents and families—all have different experiences.

However, whatever the individual effects of autism, and the level of needs, there is no doubt that being a parent to a child with autism can be stressful. You have to cope with your child’s behavioural (and other) issues. You may need to advocate for them and make sure that their needs are met. You also need to help them to find strategies to cope with their condition and be able to function. This page provides advice and information for parents of children with autism.

Understanding Autism

Autism affects how people behave, and particularly how they respond to the world around them.

This includes other people, situations, places and noises. People with autism may have:

  • Problems communicating with others;

  • Difficulty making eye contact or generally ‘connecting’ with other people;

  • Difficulty with changes and transitions;

  • A limited range of foods that they are prepared to eat or try, such as foods that are a certain colour or texture;

  • Repetitive behaviours such as fidgeting or repeated movements of arms, hands, feet or head; and

  • A narrow range of interests and activities.

We do not know very much about what causes autism, although there is often a genetic link. However, we do know that it is not linked to vaccination, parenting, diet, or indeed, most of the other factors that have been ‘blamed’ in the past.

Coping With a Diagnosis

People’s reactions to their child being diagnosed with autism vary widely.

Some people are relieved that they have an ‘answer’ to their child’s behavioural problems or they now understand what has been happening. Other people may be angry or sad that it has taken a long time to get a diagnosis, or that their child is ‘different’. They may be concerned about how their child will manage if they have autism. They may also be shocked by the diagnosis, even if they had known that something was ‘different’ about their child.

There are all kinds of possible reactions—and all of them are valid.

What can you do to come to terms with your child’s diagnosis?

First, give yourself time. You don’t have to be ready to deal with it and the consequences immediately.

Second, get yourself some help and support if you need it. Autism-focused charities have a lot of information online that you might find useful. Many also have local support groups—both for parents and for people with autism. Your doctor may be able to provide some information, or you can just look online.

Third, you may find it useful to find out more about autism, and perhaps read about other people’s experiences. Again, the websites of charities are a good place to start. In the UK, it is worth looking at the National Autistic Society, and Ambitious about Autism.

The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone.


There may be times when it certainly feels like the ‘system’ is against you. However, the families of other children with autism are likely to be your best support network because they too have ‘been there’.

Self-Care for Parents of Children with Autism

Safety briefings on aeroplanes tell you that you should always put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else, including your child.

This is because you cannot help someone else if you are unconscious.

The same principle applies to having a child with autism: you cannot help them if you are burned out.

Research shows that parents of children with autism are more likely to feel stressed than other parents. They are also more likely to develop other mental health problems, including depression and anxiety.

You therefore need to have strategies to enable you to cope with whatever stresses arise from having a child with autism. This might include:

  • Taking time to do something that you enjoy, such as having coffee with a friend, or going to the gym or for a walk.

  • Make sure you have time to take some exercise, because looking after yourself physically is also important.

  • Finding ways to spend time together with your partner where you don’t talk about your child. Your relationship needs looking after as well.

  • Using techniques such as listening to music, yoga or mindfulness to help you relax.

There is more about how to manage stress in our pages on Stress and Stress Management.

All of these things may require you to ask for help.

For example, if your child needs a lot of care and attention, you almost certainly need time off to recover. You may be able to get time for them at daycare each day or week to give you a break. Your doctor may be able to advise about suitable daycares in the area.

There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, it’s good.

The bottom line is that if you feel that you are not coping, it is far better to ask for help than to fall apart.



Cognitive Strategies for Parents

There are some particular psychological strategies that may help parents of children with autism. In particular:

  • Take an optimistic approach

    The parents who (generally) manage best following their child’s diagnosis of autism are those who decide that they have agency, and can act to change things.

    It is a bit like the difference between a growth and fixed mindset. If you believe that you can change things, you are likely to be much more positive and active in setting about doing so. This tends to make you feel more optimistic more generally, and that is also better for your mental health.

    The key to this is to focus away from the ‘why’ of things, and towards ‘what can I do to improve them?’.

  • Embrace acceptance

    Acceptance is also a useful approach.

    Instead of worrying about your child, or comparing them with their peers, you simply accept that this is your child, these are their needs, and these are their abilities. Your role is to help them to develop their abilities as fully as possible, and cope with their needs.

    You may find it helpful to think about this in terms of the Serenity Prayer (see box).

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


    Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971).

    You cannot change your child’s diagnosis, or their rate of progress, so it is best to accept that. However, you can help them to learn coping strategies, or to manage their behaviour more effectively.

  • Cognitive reframing

    Many families report some success from using a process called cognitive reframing.

    This is about finding different ways of thinking about situations and events. For example, you stop seeing your child as difficult, and instead see situations that they find it more difficult to manage.

    It is basically about challenging your thoughts and reframing them to reflect a different understanding of reality. It can help you to be more practical, and again focus on what you can change, rather than what you can’t.

Treatment for your Child

Autism cannot be ‘cured’.

Anyone who is telling you that it can be cured, especially through some miracle treatment, is probably simply wrong, delusional or trying to scam you.

However, that doesn’t mean that it cannot be ‘treated’ in some effective ways.

Many studies show that one of the most stressful aspects for parents of a child with autism is behavioural problems. Many behavioural problems are the result of the child not being able to communicate effectively, and either showing their frustration, or trying to find ways to communicate.

It therefore follows that support for your child to develop their communication skills may improve behavioural issues.

For example, a referral for speech and language therapy may be a helpful starting point.

Similarly, children with autism may struggle to communicate illness, discomfort or pain. These issues may therefore also manifest as behavioural problems. Resolve the underlying issue—and the behaviour will also improve.

It is therefore worth looking out for your child having a potential physical problem and treating it quickly.

Helping your Child

Finding better ways to manage your child’s behavioural issues is also helpful.

This might include understanding their triggers, so that you can avoid potentially problematic situations. You might also start to recognise their triggers, or their early signs of meltdown or shutdown, so that you can remove them from situations before problems arise.

This will help to reduce behavioural issues, especially in public. The bonus here is that as this happens, you may also feel less worried about going into social situations. As you feel less stressed, your child’s behaviour will also improve because they feel less stressed too. Being able to go into more social situations may mean that you feel less isolated—reducing your stress even further.

As your child gets older, you are likely to find that your role changes from ‘managing your child’s behaviour’ to ‘helping them to manage’ and then ‘helping them to develop their own strategies’.

Our page on Coping Strategies for Your Autistic Child provides more information on this.

A Final Thought

Living with autism is intrinsically challenging—and that includes for the parents and families of children with autism.

The key is to find ways that help you to see the challenges in different ways. This makes them easier to accept, but also often easier to address.


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