Grandparents play an important role in many families—and not just the traditional one of provider of treats. Many grandparents now provide childcare or babysitting on a regular basis, enabling parents to work more easily. Some also provide financial assistance, including with education.

A recent study in the United States found that spending time with grandchildren can help to improve grandparents’ mental health, and reduce loneliness. Grandparents who were more involved with their grandchildren were more likely to say that their mental health was better than those who saw their grandchildren less often.

However, there is also a ‘flip side’ to grandparenting, with ‘grandparent burnout’ or ‘depleted grandmother syndrome’ increasingly common. This is especially true among those who provide significant amounts of childcare. This page provides some advice about how to recognise and avoid grandparent burnout, including through setting healthy boundaries.

Understanding Grandparent Burnout

What is grandparent burnout?

Burnout is the feeling of being unable to cope with the demands of work.

Grandparent burnout is the feeling of being unable to cope with the demands placed upon you as a grandparent.

It happens when grandparents allow themselves to put the needs of their children and grandchildren above their own needs or capabilities. It is therefore most likely to happen when grandparents are primary caregivers for their grandchildren—that is, they are providing childcare for significant amounts of each week—without setting suitable boundaries around the demands placed upon them.

How common is grandparent burnout?

It is hard to put a figure on the exact numbers of people affected by grandparent burnout. However, it is more straightforward to put a figure on the risk, by looking at the number of grandparents currently providing significant amounts of childcare (see box).

Recognising Grandparent Burnout

How can you recognise grandparent burnout before it becomes a problem?

There are several signs and symptoms that you may be at risk of developing grandparent burnout. These include both physical and emotional signs. For example:

• You may feel more tired, and find it harder to recover from fatigue;

• Some people report frequent headaches or feeling sick;

• You may develop insomnia, or wake worrying about your caring responsibilities;

• You may feel more irritable or impatient with your grandchildren, often immediately followed by feeling guilty for doing so;

• You might start to feel resentful towards your child and their partner;

• Conflicts or tension may develop in your relationship with your child and their partner; and

• You may find that you are cancelling social plans more often, either because you are looking after your grandchildren, or because you simply don’t have the energy.

Avoiding Grandparent Burnout

What can you do to avoid grandparent burnout?

The first, and perhaps most important, way to avoid grandparent burnout is to set clear expectations and healthy boundaries from the beginning.

It is better to start by providing less childcare and scale up if you feel you can manage. The alternative, trying to scale down, is much harder.

It can also be helpful to have a written agreement about what you will provide, in as much detail as you feel is required. You can decide whether you include aspects such as who is responsible for washing clothes, shopping and preparing food, but it is certainly helpful to discuss these issues beforehand. A written agreement will also ensure that you are clear about the rules set by your child and their partner, and the details of when the child sleeps, what they are allowed to do, and what is expected of you.

However, even if you start out with clear expectations, things can slip over time.

Many people find that they offer help with childcare for one or two days each week. Something happens to affect other childcare provision, and they are asked to help out for another day or two each week “just temporarily”—but the temporary arrangement continues far longer than they were expecting.

It can also be the case that an arrangement that worked well with a baby works less well with an active toddler, or when a second child arrives. A baby who cannot move around, and who sleeps for several hours each day, is much easier to manage than a toddler who no longer sleeps during the day, and needs entertaining.

The second way to avoid grandparent burnout is therefore to maintain active communication and be prepared to assert yourself.

Some commentators suggest having a periodic review, as would happen with a paid childcare provider, to check that both parties are still happy with the arrangement.

If you set this review up from the beginning, you have a clear opportunity to say if the arrangement is no longer working for you.

However, even if you do not do so, you should still feel able to ask your child or their partner to sit down for a conversation, and discuss it. It is generally better to do this earlier rather than later—when you start to feel a bit tired, rather than when you are already burned out.

For more about how to do so, you may find it helpful to read our pages on Assertiveness and Holding Difficult Conversations.

How can you set healthy boundaries related to childcare?

As in any other relationship or situation, boundaries are about defining what you find acceptable.

In a relationship with your adult child and their partner, the boundaries set—by either side—might cover issues such as what activities are acceptable with your grandchildren, how much time you spend providing childcare, and who is permitted to have access to the children.

Boundaries may change over time, and they may also change in practice from theory. For example, what sounded reasonable when you first discussed it may prove harder to deliver in practice. Your circumstances might also change, and you might need to adapt what you feel able to provide.

The key in all of this is clear communication.

If things are becoming too much, you need to say so. It is no good hinting that you are tired, and expecting them to understand that this means that you would like to reduce your commitment. Instead, you need to say so clearly, suggest an alternative arrangement, and possibly even give them a time when you need to stop. Be polite but clear about it—but be prepared to enforce your boundary.

There is more about how to set boundaries in our pages on Setting Boundaries and Setting New Boundaries with Your Adult Child.

What can you do if your child and their partner ignore your boundaries?

What happens if you have set clear boundaries, but your adult child and their partner seem to be ignoring them?

You may, for example, have said that you will only provide daytime childcare, and not extend your support into the evenings. However, increasingly they are getting home later and later, often after you have put the children to bed. What can you do?

The answer, again, lies in communicating your concerns.

You need to sit down with them and point out that you cannot continue in this way. You might say that you feel that they are taking you for granted—recognising that a paid childcare provider would not permit this kind of ‘time creep’. Try to be specific about the effect on your health or other activities, so this is not just an abstract issue. For example, it might be that when they do not arrive home until 7pm, it means that you are unable to make another commitment.

Again, you need to be assertive and clear, highlighting your boundary, and saying that this is not acceptable.

Try to avoid giving ultimatums if you can.

If you feel that nothing else will get through, you might have consider withdrawing your support, and being unavailable for childcare for a period. One way to do this might be to arrange a holiday, giving your child and their partner plenty of notice. This will allow you to recharge your batteries, and also help them to see how much you do, and how much they are relying on you. Hopefully, when you return, they will have a new appreciation of your support, and be better prepared to respect your boundaries. You may also feel in a better position to assert yourself because you have had time to recover.

Encouraging Independence

When your children were small, you probably spent plenty of time encouraging them to become more independent.

It is possible that you may need to do so again once they become parents.

It is easy for new parents to slip into leaning heavily on their own parents for support—and hard to develop independent parenting, especially when help seems readily available.

For many grandparents, the challenge is:

How can you support your adult child and their partner without encouraging them to become dependent on you?

You need to strike the right balance here, because your child and their partner need to develop their own parental problem-solving skills. After all, there will come a point where you are no longer available, and then they will be stuck.

Clear two-way communication is the most important aspect of this.

This will help to ensure that you both understand the situation. Your child and their partner need to understand that you are supportive of them—but also that you have your own life, and your own needs and wants. You, in turn, will understand what help they really need, and how best to provide it without burning yourself out.

A Final Thought

Grandparent burnout does not help anyone.

Ultimately, it is bad for you, your grandchildren, and your adult child and their partner. It is therefore in everyone’s interests to avoid it.

You are, after all, likely to be a much better grandparent when you are loving, present and engaged with your grandchildren, rather than feeling tired and resentful from providing too much care.

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