Much is written and talked about parenting. There are many books available, some of which have supported several generations of new parents. These include Penelope Leach’s Your Baby and Child, possibly the ultimate child development text, and the ubiquitous What to Expect When You’re Expecting, with its follow-ups covering the first year and the toddler years. There are also numerous websites covering this area.

The equivalent for grandparents has taken longer to arrive. This is perhaps because previous generations often viewed grandparents as a source of advice and wisdom. Now, though, with parenting advice changing all the time, grandparents can no longer assume that they know best. Instead, they need to inform themselves—and this section of Skills You Need is here to help.

So You’re About to Become a Grandparent…

Becoming a grandparent should probably not feel quite as momentous as it usually does.

You are, after all, not doing anything yourself. Your adult child and/or their partner is doing all the major work involved. However, there is no question that becoming a grandparent, especially for the first time, is a major life event, and feels like an important step.

It follows that many people wish to prepare themselves adequately.

You might, for example, want to give some thought to what is needed from you, how you might behave, and the role you might play in your grandchildren’s lives. You might also want to have a conversation (or several) with your adult child and their partner about their expectations of you, and your expectations about being a grandparent.

For more about what you might need to consider while your adult child or their partner is pregnant, and before your first grandchild arrives, you may like to visit our page on Preparing to Become a Grandparent.

For more general advice about succeeding at grandparenting, you may find it helpful to read our page of Top Tips for Grandparents. This draws on expert advice from experienced grandparents around the world to tell you what to do, and perhaps more importantly, what not to do.

Once Your Grandchild Has Arrived…

What are the most important considerations once your grandchild has arrived and you are finally a grandparent?

Probably the most crucial issues to consider are relationships. Obviously you want to build a relationship with your new grandchild. However, being able to do so will depend on your relationship with your adult child and their partner. It is therefore wise not to neglect that.

Indeed, our page on Building Relationships with Your Grandchildren starts with that very issue: having a good relationship with your adult children and their partners.

Our page on Communicating with Your Adult Children about Grandparenting provides some advice about how to approach conversations. It explains that simply ‘biting your lip’ may seem like the easiest option, but it is not always the best way to build a strong relationship. Instead, it may actually result in a poorer relationship where neither of you ever feels able to talk about anything important. It also provides advice for navigating conflict, if that should happen.

Your grandchildren’s parents will remain ‘gatekeepers’ of access to your grandchildren for many years. However, you can, and should, also build relationships directly with your grandchildren.

Relationships between grandchildren and grandparents are generally a source of considerable pleasure to both sides of the relationship. They are also—possibly surprisingly—good for your health.

As well as looking at our page on Building Relationships with Your Grandchildren, you may like to read our page on Entertaining Your Grandchildren for ideas about how to build good relationships.

This page explains that grandparents can do all of the same activities that parents do—from reading books to cooking, crafts, gardening, and outings. However, it also contains some grandparent-specific considerations, such as the importance of making sure that both activities, and your approach to your grandchildren, are age-appropriate.

Skills for Grandparents

Being a grandparent, like being a parent, requires some skills.

Some of these you may already have developed through your own parenting, or more generally through your life experiences.

However, how you deploy those skills may be slightly different in your role as grandparent.

For example, our page on Emotional Intelligence for Grandparents explains that family relationships are full of emotion. New parents are likely to be tired and stressed, which makes emotional management harder. Having children also tends to surface family issues that may have been suppressed for many years. Grandparents are a step further away from the immediate challenges of parenting, and may therefore be better placed to help with the family’s emotional regulation.

Other skill areas may be new to you, or you may need to update your skills.

Our page on Practical Skills for Grandparents provides some examples of areas where grandparents may need to update their skills or knowledge to reflect modern parenting practice. Grandparents may stress that ‘children don’t change’, but best practice on sleep, weaning and other important issues can and does get updated.

This page also contains important information about safety issues such as food allergies and car seats, to ensure that you are fully informed about how to keep your grandchildren safe and well.

Grandparenting Under Special Circumstances

Despite Tolstoy’s famous words (see box), even happy families can face very different circumstances and challenges.

Some of those circumstances may be especially difficult for grandparents to manage.

For example, the days of being surrounded by extended family are long gone for many of us. The reality is that the need to get a job, and the economic realities of life, mean that many of us have moved far away from our parents. Grandparents can live considerable distances away from their grandchildren—sometimes even in other countries. Our page on Long-Distance Grandparenting provides some advice for those in that situation.

Similarly, modern family life is such that many families are now ‘blended’, bringing together children from previous relationships into a new family situation.

With around a third of first marriages now ending in divorce, this situation is increasingly common. It may also give rise to difficult family dynamics, with far more relationships involved, and established family positions being threatened.

Our page on Dealing with Family Conflict provides some advice for grandparents whose children and grandchildren are in this position.

Our page on Building Relationships with Your Grandchildren also contains some advice on blended families, and how grandparents might wish to approach the idea of step-grandchildren.

Grandparents and Childcare

Grandparents are now an important source of care for their grandchildren.

Around one-fifth of grandparents now provide at least 25 hours of childcare each week for their grandchildren—or around three working days. The role of grandparents is so important that it is even recognised by the UK’s tax system and legal structure for childcare provision.

Our page on Providing Care for Grandchildren explains more about some of the considerations of grandparents providing childcare. It also explains some of the problems that may arise, including financial issues, and clashes about parenting choices.

There is also an issue that may arise when grandparents take on too much, called grandparent burnout. This is similar to the concept of burnout at work, and happens when grandparents are unable to cope with the demands placed on them.

Our page on Avoiding Grandparent Burnout explains more about this, and how to avoid the problem.

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A Final Thought

The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is extremely special.

It can be a source of great pleasure to both, and even be good for everyone’s health. However, being a good grandparent takes time and care. We hope this section of Skills You Need will give you all the information you require in this new and exciting chapter of your life.

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