Becoming a parent is a huge step in your life—but becoming a grandparent can be almost as big. It is undoubtedly a very exciting step to watch your children becoming parents themselves. It is wonderful to rediscover the joys of children, but also be able to give them back at the end of the day. However, becoming a grandparent is also often more complicated than people expect.

Just because you brought up your own children does not mean that you know everything about parenting—or even that your children felt you did a good job. Becoming a grandparent can therefore surface difficult elements of parent–child relationships that may have been buried for many years. This page explains more about the process of becoming a grandparent, and how to navigate some of these issues.

Emotional Preparation

Visit a few internet forums, and you will quickly become aware of problems that can arise in relationships with grandparents.

You will read about people who see grandchildren as a “second chance” or “do-over” family, generating resentment in their children. You will find others seem to be intent on taking over from their children and children-in-law, and telling them what to do—because, after all, they have done it all before and therefore must know best. There are also stories about grandparents who insisted on ignoring boundaries because “grandparents are meant to spoil their grandchildren and a little chocolate won’t hurt them”.

These behaviours can at best lead to resentment. At worst, they can be dangerous if parenting practice has moved on in the light of new knowledge, or if, for example, a child has potential allergies to certain foods that you regard as a treat. They are certainly a rapid way to ensure that your children and grandchildren do not visit very often, if at all.

It is therefore wise to do some emotional preparation ahead of the arrival of your first grandchild.

One of the most important aspects of this preparation is to develop—and demonstrate—a very clear understanding that the new ‘grandbaby’ is NOT your child, and you are NOT its parent or even primary caregiver.

This means that your wishes and opinions do NOT come first.

Of course you are excited about the baby’s arrival, especially if it is your first grandchild. However, you need to understand that this does not give you priority.

You do not get to decide on anything about the baby’s life. You don’t get to name the baby, or even have a say—unless your child and their partner ask your opinion. Even then, you are only expressing an opinion, and their views will always trump yours.

You don’t get to announce the baby’s arrival on social media, because your child and their partner will do that (and for more about this idea of a hierarchy of social media announcements, see our page on Social Media Etiquette around Death).

You don’t get to choose the cot, or pushchair, or furnishings for the child’s bedroom—or indeed anything else about the baby’s surroundings. All these are decisions for the parents. You might reasonably buy a few outfits for the baby, but don’t go overboard.

In reality, you don’t even get to decide by yourself when you are going to meet your grandchild for the first time. This is something that you need to discuss with your child and their partner, so that you can fit in with what suits them best.

Your philosophy should be that you are there to support your child and their partner with their new baby. They are the arbiters of what would be helpful.

Make clear to them in conversations before the baby arrives that you will follow their lead throughout. You will, of course, be available to help or provide your opinion, but you know that they will have their own views on parenting.

If you are tempted to offer advice during pregnancy or later, turn it into a question:

“Would it be helpful if...?”, and not

“Try/do ...” or “If it were me, I would...”

This will help to ensure that you come across as supportive, not pushy, and build stronger relationships.

Practical Preparation

It can also be helpful to do some practical preparation with and in support of your child and their partner.

For example, you might offer financial help with some of the equipment that they will need, such as a pushchair (buggy) or car seat. You could also offer practical help with decorating the baby’s room, or in sorting out a new house—really, whatever would be most useful. Remember that pregnancy is very tiring, but also that it can be difficult to ask for help.

In some countries, it is considered bad luck to buy too much for the baby before its arrival. It can also be tricky to get the size right before the baby arrives. One very practical thing that grandparents can do to help is purchase a few babygros, vests and jackets in the right size as soon as the baby arrives. They could also provide a few ‘freezer meals’ to tide the couple over the first few days.

There are so many practical things that grandparents can do to help in advance of a grandchild’s arrival—but you may have to ask which will be most useful.

Setting Expectations

It may be useful to talk in advance about expectations—both yours, and those of your child and their partner.

For example:

• When visiting, how often will you visit, and will they visit you? How long will visits last?

  Obviously this depends a little on how far away you live from your child and their partner. If you live in the same town, you will be able to see them more often than if you live on another continent. However, you won’t be expecting to stay overnight.

  You also shouldn’t expect to be popping in every day without prior agreement—but they might welcome regular visits. This is especially true during the early days after a child’s birth, when it can be hard to get out of the house.

  If you live at a distance, you may want to stay for an extended period. This is not unreasonable, but it might be best to state your intention of staying in an Airbnb or hotel, rather than expect to be accommodated by your child and their partner. This is especially important in the first few weeks and months, when their lives have been turned upside down, and they may be sleeping at odd times.

  It is therefore worth having a conversation about visiting, and get the expectations clear on both sides.

• Are there any expectations about childcare (on either side)?

  Sometimes young couples can assume that families, especially grandparents, will automatically be prepared to babysit or provide childcare—and then be surprised that grandparents are not happy to accept this role.

  Sometimes grandparents can assume that they will provide childcare—and then be upset when this doesn’t happen.

  If you are able and wish to provide childcare on any basis, it may be helpful to explain this early on. Be clear about whether you are able to do so without pay, or on a regular or informal basis. Don’t assume that your offer will be accepted, however: your child and their partner may prefer to make other arrangements.

  If you really don’t want to provide any childcare, but could babysit occasionally, it is worth explaining that, too.

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And Finally...

Like parenting, everything in grandparenting can change in an instant.

What seemed perfectly rational when discussed beforehand can simply not work in practice—and that might be for either you or your child and their partner. What your child and their partner thought would be helpful might turn out to be much trickier to manage once the baby arrives. However many conversations you have, you still need to be prepared to be flexible and make sure that things work for everyone.

It is therefore important to keep talking together about expectations, boundaries, and experience, and then everyone will stay happy.

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