Top Tips for Grandparents
See also: Preparing to Become a GrandparentBecoming a grandparent is a major step-change in your parenting life. It is also different from almost every other aspect of parenting because you are not in control of either the timing, or many—if indeed any—of the decisions involved. Childcare expert and author of The Grandparents Book Dr Miriam Stoppard may put it best when she describes the experience as “watching your child become a parent”.
There is no blueprint for this process. However—as with any other aspect of parenting—there are plenty of blogs, articles and books telling you how to navigate the process. This page brings together a list of top tips from expert sources, including Miriam Stoppard and Terri Apter, author of the book Grandparenting: On Love and Relationships Across the Generations, to help you “cut through the chatter”.
Our top tips for grandparents are:
Focus on giving positive feedback
Many grandparents describe wanting to step in and help or provide advice.
They see their children and their children’s partners struggling, and immediately want to help. Experience with their own children leads them to think that they may have the answers—and they immediately offer them.
Instead, Miriam Stoppard suggests pausing. She explains that new parents often do not feel very confident. Your comments may reduce their confidence still further—and this in turn will reduce their trust in you because they may feel that you are criticising, or trying to take over.
At the very least, it’s insulting to your child and their partner if you think they need parenting lessons from you.
Miriam Stoppard
Instead, she suggests focusing on the ways in which your child and their partner are great parents—and telling them. This will help to boost their confidence instead of breaking it down. it may even lead them to seek your advice in future.
You may find it helpful to look at our pages on Giving and Receiving Feedback and Giving Feedback to Partners to understand how to give effective feedback.
Ask questions before judging
If you ever find yourself thinking that what your child and their partner are doing is ‘wrong’, resist the urge to tell them that. Instead, ask them why that approach.
Childcare practices can change rapidly when new evidence emerges, and it may be that your knowledge is out of date.
If your grandchild’s parents ask you to behave in a certain way, or respect a certain boundary, do it. They are, after all, the child’s parents. It is, however, fine to ask for more information about why it matters. Understanding may have changed since you brought up your children, or your child or their partner may simply have more expertise in that particular area.
Case study: A change in the language
Tom and Jessica were visiting their daughter, son-in-law and two-year-old grandson, Charlie. Charlie showed them something that he had done and Tom responded admiringly,
“Well done! You’re really good at that.”
He saw his daughter look sideways at him, and later, when Charlie wasn’t present, she said to him,
“I would really appreciate it if you would try never to praise Charlie for ‘being good’ at something. Instead, would you mind praising the effort that he has put in?”
“Yes, of course,” Tom responded, “but why does it matter? It sounds the same to me.”
“Well,” she responded, “There is a lot of evidence about the importance of developing a growth mindset—one that always looks at how to improve. One of the best ways to do that is to emphasise the value of effort, not talent. If you praise talent, children tend to take the message that they can’t improve, and that’s not a great approach to life.”
Later that weekend, Tom’s daughter overheard him saying something to Charlie about how hard he had worked at something. Some years later, she realised that she had never again heard him say anything to either Charlie or his younger sister about their level of talent, only the level of effort they had applied.
If you don’t want to ask your child or their partner for more information, go away and read up about the issue. Find up-to-date and reliable websites (and for more about how to judge the quality of online information, see our page on Assessing Internet Information) and expand your knowledge. If you still think they may be wrong, that is the time to express your concerns.
Respect boundaries set by your grandchild’s parents
Failing to respect clear boundaries set by your child and their partner is one of the fastest ways to upset them.
It may also lead to reduced access to your grandchild, which will almost certainly upset you, too.
To help with this, remember that you are not your grandchild’s parents. Your child and their partner are allowed to set rules for how their child is treated, and how they behave. If you don’t like those rules, you are at liberty to avoid spending time with them. However, it is not acceptable to simply ignore the rules set by a child’s parents, or to actively try to undermine their authority.
Grandparents are not a grandchild’s parent: behaving as if they are will lead to trouble!
Miriam Stoppard
It is, however, perfectly reasonable to ask about the thinking behind particular boundaries. This will help to ensure that you have fully understood the position, and don’t inadvertently step over any ‘lines in the sand’.
That said, it is also reasonable to have different rules at home and at grandparents’ houses—but only where that doesn’t cut across any important boundaries or undermine your child and their partner. For example, you should never consider changing the rules around a potential allergy or food intolerance, or anything related to health. You should also never suggest having any secrets from your grandchild’s parents.
Remember that grandparenting is not a competition
If your grandchild is lucky enough to have two—or more—sets of grandparents, try to avoid comparing yourself with others.
It is in the nature of families that one set of grandparents is likely to be more accessible, or younger, or simply have a closer relationship with the child’s main caregiver. One set may also be better able to provide additional financial support if needed. However, that does not mean the other grandparents are not equally loved and valued.
Instead of comparing, build your own relationships with your grandchildren. Share your time and possibly interests with them, play games with them, and enter into their interests in your turn. Children quickly learn who is interested in them—and very much value that.
Visit only by invitation or prior arrangement
However close you live, do not be tempted to drop in unannounced, especially in the first few months after becoming a grandparent.
There are many reasons why it might be a bad moment for a visit, from waking the baby to finding your child or their partner having a nap at the same time as the baby. However, more importantly, your child and their partner are adults, with their own lives, and they deserve to be respected as such.
Remember, too, that visits should be mutually agreed. It is likely to lead to resentment if you start to say “I’m going to drop round at x time”. Instead, try “I’d like to see you and the baby – is there a suitable day and time when I could come round?”, or “I’m going to be in your area at x time today/tomorrow/next week, would it be convenient to call? It doesn’t matter if not”.
Don’t offer unsolicited advice—and don’t expect even solicited advice always to be taken
It is never wise to offer unsolicited advice.
This applies to anyone, but perhaps particularly to your child and their partner. As Miriam Stoppard made clear, it can undermine their confidence. Giving positive feedback is always better, not least because it forces you to look for the positives in their parenting, rather than always seeing the negatives.
Sometimes, though, your advice or opinion may be actively sought by your child or their partner.
Under those circumstances, it is perfectly reasonable to offer advice. However, you should never expect it automatically to be taken, or be offended if it is not.
Keep communication open
One piece of advice that grandparents are often given is ‘bite your lip’.
However, this may not be helpful in the longer term, not least because it may lead to lack of communication.
Instead, it is important to keep communication open. Encourage your child and their partner to feel more confident in their decisions by praising their parenting, and ask questions about why they have chosen particular approaches. Show a genuine interest in them and their ideas, and they will start to develop greater trust that you will respect their decisions and boundaries even if you disagree.
Be genuinely interested in your grandchildren
Children change in the blink of an eye—and you need to stay alert to keep up.
Be genuinely interested in what they enjoy, what they like and dislike to do, and their friends and activities. Many teenagers, especially boys, say that a grandparent is their most trusted adult, but you have to earn that trust by being there for them, and accepting them on their terms. Grandparents also get huge value out of their relationships with their grandchildren, including some surprising health benefits.
Investing in those relationships is extremely worthwhile for both of you.
Many grandparents also find that their help is particularly valued when a second grandchild arrives. Provided they have a good relationship with the older child, they can provide some much-needed support by looking after that older one. This frees up the parents to spend time with the new baby without the first child feeling neglected or ignored.
Don’t be afraid to set your own boundaries, especially if you feel taken for granted
Much has been said about grandparents disregarding boundaries. There is less commentary about adult children doing so—but it happens surprisingly often.
You might enthusiastically offer a day’s childcare each week when the first grandchild arrives, and be delighted to provide it. However, what happens when the second and subsequent grandchildren arrive? Are you simply expected to step up and look after them too? And what if another child produces a grandchild? Is it reasonable for them to expect you to make the same offer?
Ideally, you would have a conversation with your child(ren) and their partners about this. Hopefully they will always ask you whether you want and/or would be willing to extend your offer to cover the second child, and not make any assumptions.
However, if not, you need to be able to initiate those conversations, and before you start to feel taken for granted.
Setting boundaries—meaning “making clear, and then enforcing, what we find acceptable”—is important for everyone. If this is difficult, you may find it helpful to read our page on Setting Boundaries.
If any conflict arises, address it by talking to your child, not their partner
It is a reasonable rule in relationships that each partner deals with their own parents.
This also applies in reverse. If you are experiencing issues in your relationship with your child and their partner, it is always wiser to approach your child than their partner. They will be able to tell you whether your concerns are reasonable, whether you are overstepping, and indeed if there is genuinely conflict or that is just your perception of their behaviour, and simply a result of sleep deprivation or some other stressor.
A Final Thought
Perhaps the best possible tip for grandparents is to remember that there is no single ‘right way’ to be a grandparent.
I found there are multiple ways of being a ‘good’ or successful grandparent whose love has a positive impact on younger generations.
Terri Apter
The best approach is to aim to be responsive to the needs of your child, their partner, and your grandchildren. As Miriam Stoppard suggests, it may be worth taking as your priority “being a grandparent who is nice to know”.