Long-Distance Grandparenting

The nature of modern life is that more and more families around the world live at a distance from other family members. This means that many more grandparents are now ‘long-distance grandparents’, whose grandchildren who live in another city, country or even continent. Fortunately, modern technology offers those grandparents plenty of ways to keep in touch—but is it really possible to build close relationships with grandchildren whom you see only rarely in person?

This page provides some advice for long-distance grandparents. It offers some ways to create and share rituals and traditions remotely, and suggests how you might become and then stay emotionally close to your grandchildren.

General Tips for Long-Distance Grandparents

More and more people are finding that they either want or have to move away from where they were brought up for work purposes, or simply to create a better life for themselves. Economic realities being what they are, the distances that people move can be extreme—across countries or even continents.

This means that young couples often find themselves living far away from their parents and siblings when they have their own children.

Long-distance grandparenting is therefore increasingly the reality for many families.

If this your situation, don’t despair. It is never going to be easy, especially when you see friends with grandchildren nearby—but it is not the end of the world. These tips may help.

• Look for the positives

  It is easy to get sucked into dwelling on the negatives of your situation: the milestones that you are missing, or the challenges of developing a relationship with your grandchildren.

  However, it helps instead to look for the positives in the situation.

  For example, your child and their partner have presumably moved to build themselves and their children a better life, or to take advantage of some positive somewhere else (perhaps your child’s partner is from another country, and they wish to be closer to their parents). They clearly see advantages to being elsewhere, and it is good to remind yourself of those.

  Another advantage is that you can go and visit them. You will be able to explore a whole new place—and see it through your grandchildren’s eyes. In visiting, you will spend more time—and more concentrated time—with them than you might be able to at home.

• Use the technology

  The COVID-19 pandemic forced us all to live apart for months at a time. However, it had a bright side: technology for communicating with people living a long way away became both more accessible and more mainstream. Every smartphone now has the capacity to make video calls—and almost everyone has a smartphone.

  Your parents or grandparents, in the same situation as you, might have been dependent on letters or brief and expensive landline calls. You, however, can now phone or video call your grandchildren every day if you—and they and their parents—like.

  There is now very little excuse not to be in touch.

  Get to grips with the technology, and learn to use it to ensure that your grandchildren can get to know your face and voice from an early age.

  If managing technology is an issue for you, you may find it helpful to explore our pages on Digital Skills, including Getting Online.

  Staying safe online

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  The COVID-19 pandemic surfaced the availability of technology for staying in touch. However, it also surfaced issues with its use, including the potential for video calls on some platforms to be hijacked. For many people, this was news, but for others, it merely highlighted what they already knew: you need to take precautions to stay safe online.

  When you are communicating with your grandchildren using technology, you need to be doubly aware of the risks: for them, and for you.

  There are various dangers that you need to consider, including digital hijacking, phishing, and scams in general. It is advisable to inform yourself about the risks, and get a good broad-spectrum anti-malware product installed.

  For more about how to stay safe online, read our page on Protecting Yourself in the Digital World.

• Make the most of any opportunities

  When you get a chance to visit, or your grandchildren visit you, make the most of it.

  Don’t ever hesitate to seize opportunities to see them if they are in the area, even if it’s only briefly. Take time off work if you can, and spend the time with them. You are very unlikely to regret doing so.

  It is also worth considering the practicalities of visiting.

  If your grandchildren live a long way away—another country or continent, for example—you may want to do extended visits to get best value from travelling. If so, it may be best NOT to stay together unless your/their house is extremely large, and you have the option to have time apart. If you plan to be together for a month or so, separate accommodation is going to make everyone’s lives easier, and nobody will feel put-upon by the visit.

  If you are visiting them, consider renting an apartment or house nearby. If you can’t afford that, look into house-sitting or house-swap options that may be cheaper but will still allow everyone to have their own space. Also plan to spend some time apart—or possibly for you to look after the grandchildren for a few days so your child and their partner can have a child-free break.

• Build your own rituals and traditions

  Most families have rituals and traditions, often centring on holidays or special occasions such as birthdays. You probably have—or had—your own.

  Part of getting used to long-distance grandparenting is rethinking those rituals, and creating new ones:

  • You won’t necessarily be able to see your grandchildren on their birthdays. However, you can send them a parcel or gift, and then, with your child’s help, watch them unwrap it via a video call.

  • You won’t be able to take your grandchildren shopping and buy them little treats, but you can put together a ‘grandma and grandad parcel’ every so often. You can ask your child to video them opening it, or even call you so that you can watch them when they do.

  • You won’t see your grandchildren every day or every week, but you can speak to them regularly. You can even have a particular time or day that you call, so that you can all look forward to it.

  • You can ask your child and their partner to encourage the grandchildren to call you with good news—exam results, sports successes and so on. You can then celebrate with them.

  • You can send your grandchild a postcard every time you go out for the day, or on holiday. Tell them where you are and why, and something about the place. This gives you something to mention when you call, and opens their eyes to you as a person with a life.

  • You won’t be there in person at holidays, but you can be on the end of a video call to see how they are celebrating, and show them what you are doing. You can also share common rituals. For example, you could decorate your Christmas tree at the same time, with a video call to share the process.

  • You can’t read them a story in person, but you can send them a book, and then read it with them over a video call. As they get a bit older, they can read to you too.

  • You can watch their favourite television show at the same time, and discuss it afterwards.

  • You can bake together via a video call (with your child or their partner’s help). Choose a recipe together, and then both make the same thing, talking about what you are doing over the video call. You can even cook a full meal together, and then sit down together to eat.

  It takes a little imagination, but these new rituals can be incredibly rewarding.

  For other ideas of activities that you can do with children of different ages, try our pages on Entertaining Children.

• Keep track of their interests

  Children change very fast, and it can feel hard to keep track of your grandchildren, and what interests them.

  However, it is worth trying to do so, because they will notice—and it will help them to feel that you care about them.

  If you find it hard to remember things between phone or video calls, make a note of it. Have a special ‘granny/grandad notebook’ with a page for each grandchild. Write something each time you speak, or when you hear any news from your child or their partner. You can then reference it in your calls with the child, and ask them to tell you more.

A Final Thought

Building a relationship with grandchildren is harder for long-distance grandparents. It takes a bit more work, and a bit more thought to find ways to connect meaningfully.

However, it is also both entirely possible and very rewarding to do.

Long-distance grandparents might not in their grandchildren’s lives every day, but they can still build close relationships that will last for many years.