It is said that it takes a village to raise a child—and few doubt that grandparents are a crucial part of that village. Perhaps more importantly, relationships between grandchildren and grandparents can be a source of great joy for both parties. They can also have important physical and mental health benefits.

However, good relationships seldom happen by chance. The best and strongest relationships are built carefully and deliberately by grandparents who are engaged with their grandchildren. These grandparents actively seek to spend time with their grandchildren, and get to know them—and then keep growing the relationship as their grandchildren grow and develop.

This page explains more about what you can do to build and nurture relationships with your grandchildren over time.

Build and Maintain Relationships with Your Adult Children and Their Partners

It is nearly impossible for grandparents to have a good—or indeed any—relationship with their grandchildren if they do not have a good relationship with those children’s parents.

A good relationship with your adult children and their partners is therefore an essential foundation.

This, too, does not happen by chance. Even if you had a good relationship with your child growing up, and they feel that you did a reasonable job as a parent, issues can arise in adulthood. This is particularly true when new partners come into the mix. The relationship can also change again when children arrive.

Relationships need both effort and flexibility to maintain them as people grow and change.

You will need to put in the work to develop your relationship into an adult one with your grown-up child.

Our pages on Setting Boundaries with your Adult Child, and Meeting Your Adult Child’s Partner may be helpful reading here.

That said, if your relationship with your adult child is not very good, the arrival of grandchildren can provide an opportunity for you all to reset.

However, you will need to demonstrate that you are prepared to put some work in to build a new relationship. It is no good simply apologising once and expecting everything to be perfect after that.

Building Relationships with Your Grandchildren

There are some strategies that will work universally to connect with your grandchildren. You are likely to keep using these as your grandchildren grow and develop.

However, these strategies will also need to be tweaked to fit the age of your grandchildren.

Universal strategies for connecting with grandchildren include:

• Give them your time

  For many children, one of the most enjoyable aspects of spending time with grandparents is just that: they have time.

  Parents are often pressed for time. There are pressures of work, food must be bought and prepared, and admin must be managed. They may be exhausted at the end of the day, and simply want to sit quietly. There may be little time to enjoy their children’s company, or do nice things together.

  Grandparents, by contrast, are often retired, or working fewer hours. They therefore have more time to spend with their grandchildren. When visiting, they do not have to worry about household admin, or the mental load of remembering who needs new school uniforms. They can do fun things that their grandchildren will enjoy. They also often want to make the most of time spent together, so are happy to go out, or play games—all things that busy parents may struggle to fit into a day.

• Let the child take the lead

  At all ages, it is important to let your grandchild take the lead on the activities that they would like to do.

  That does not mean that you need to let them run riot! However, you want to follow their interests as much as possible. You can give them two or three choices, or set some boundaries and let them choose within those.

  For example, you might say:

  “Where would you like to go for a walk today?” or

  “We need to stay at home today, but what would you like to do here?” or

  “What would you like to play?”

  You can also suggest activities, such as cooking with you, and then give them a choice of what to make, or offer to read a book to them, and let them choose the book.

  Top Tip! Tech-free zones?

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  Increasingly—and despite all the evidence to suggest it is a bad idea—even young children seem to spend their lives in front of screens.

  It is perfectly reasonable to say that time with you is a tech-free zone.

  Of course you can use your phone to look up a recipe, or find the way to the park, but there is to be no ‘screen for entertainment’—and that applies to you as well! Make the most of your time together.

• Listen to them

  There are few things that are quite as valuable as being given someone’s full attention.

  This is true at any age, but perhaps particularly for children. Put your phone away, stop worrying about what you are going to do tomorrow, and give your grandchildren your full attention.

  Ask them questions about what they like doing, and their friends. Listen to the answers, and engage with them. Ask them about what happens at nursery and school, or about dinosaurs, or sharks, or diggers, or butterflies—whatever happens to be engaging their interest at the time— and then listen to their replies.

  As they grow up, those early conversations will help to ensure that they know that you will listen without judgement. They may therefore feel able to come to you to talk things through when anything gets a bit difficult later on.

• Develop a two-way relationship

  Grandparents and grandchildren often manage a unique relationship that works in both directions.

  Grandparents often find that tweens and teenagers are happy to help with their technology issues—and are often quicker to respond than their busy parents. Similarly, teenagers may find that grandparents are less quick to judge friendship situations, or difficulties at school, and therefore provide a sounding board.

  To build this kind of relationship, you need to start early. Ask your grandchildren for help as soon as they are old enough to provide it. At first, this will be with minor chores like laying the table, or getting the washing out of the machine, or perhaps helping with the gardening. Later, it might involve technology, or sorting something round the house.

  You can also help build these relationships by showing them that you are not perfect. Tell them stories about times when you messed things up, or did things wrong. Children love to hear about adults making mistakes, because it shows that nobody is perfect. This, in turn, reduces the pressure on them to try to be perfect, helping them to develop resilience.

Age-Specific Strategies for Bonding with Grandchildren

There is a vast difference between toddlers and teenagers in terms of how you engage with them. The strategies described above will work at all levels—but should be used in slightly different ways. For example:

• For babies and toddlers (up to about 3 years old), you need to be present routinely.

  Young children do not remember people over a long period, so you will need to visit frequently (at least once a month or so). They also do not really understand about video communication, so that will only start to work once they reach the ages of 3 or 4. When you are present, use activities like singing songs and nursery rhymes, reading stories, playing with playdough or in the garden, and going for walks as ways to spend time with them.

• Primary school-aged children (aged 4–11 years old) are likely to value sharing activities that they cannot do alone.

  Examples include collaborative play, cooking, gardening, and board games. They will also find it easier to build relationships with people they see often, so keep up the frequency of visits. Children this age may also enjoy sleepovers at their grandparents’ house, giving their parents a night off.

• Tweens and teens (aged 12 to 18 years old) will want to see that you respect them as independent people.

  They will probably enjoy showing you how to use technology—and then communicating with you that way. You can also share your skills in areas like sewing, knitting, cooking, DIY or woodwork, and show that you value their help with tasks.

A Word About Step-Grandchildren

Finally, it is worth a brief mention of step-grandchildren.

Blended families are now increasingly common. Grandparents may well find that they have suddenly acquired several step-grandchildren—children of their child’s partner—thanks to their child’s new relationship. If they already have several grandchildren, this may create tension. They may feel under pressure to treat step-grandchildren the same as the grandchildren that they have watched growing up, and resent being asked to do so for children who are effectively strangers.

There are two pieces of advice that matter here.

First, it is best to be fair and equitable to everyone.

If your child has introduced their new partner and children to you, it means they think the relationship is important. It is therefore essential not to get your relationship with these new family members off to a bad start.

It is therefore a good idea to give similar presents and treats to all the children within a family, whether grandchildren or step-grandchildren.

Second, you can’t expect to have a good relationship with new step-grandchildren without putting in some effort.

Take time to get to know your new step-grandchildren. Find out what they like to do, and show that you are interested in them—in fact, all the strategies that you use with your grandchildren. Don’t do this to the exclusion of other grandchildren, but do take time with everyone.

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And Finally...

Any interpersonal relationship takes time and effort.

You cannot expect to have a good relationship with your grandchildren if you do not put in that effort—and then keep doing so over time.

However, a good relationship with your grandchildren is its own reward.

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