It is often said that around 50% of marriages end in divorce. That figure is not entirely accurate—it seems to be on the high side for both the US and the UK—but certainly a significant proportion of marriages do not survive. The break-up rate is even higher for cohabiting couples. What’s more, remarriages make up a significant proportion of marriages: some estimates suggest up to a third of all marriages.

This means that a significant proportion of families are likely to be ‘blended’ families—families in which at least one of the adults brings children from a previous relationship. These situations are never entirely straightforward or easy to manage. There may be considerable potential for conflict. Grandparents can often get caught up in these situations as a ‘listening ear’, a safe space for venting, or simply as bystanders. This page provides some advice about how they might manage this.

Understanding the Situation

It is difficult to give an accurate figure for the number or percentage of marriages that ends in divorce, or the proportion of families that are ‘blended’.

However, data from the UK and US both suggest that it is around 40% to 42% of first marriages. That said, fewer than one-fifth of the marriages that took place in the UK in 2011 had ended in divorce ten years later, suggesting that the majority of marriages are fairly long-lasting.

Marriage rates are also falling around the world. In the UK, for example, the proportion of adults who are married dropped below 50% for the first time in 2021, and government figures suggest that the fastest-growing type of family unit is ‘cohabiting couples’. However, these relationships tend to be less stable than marriage, with only around 23% staying together for 10 years, compared with around three-quarters of married couples.

It is therefore fair to say that a considerable proportion of apparently stable relationships break up. Many of these will have children—and potentially grandparents—involved.

What about blended families? The UK government estimates that around one-third of families are now blended in the UK, and around 10% of dependent children now live in step-family households.

All of this means that family situations are becoming increasingly complicated.

The Role (and Position) of Grandparents

The rise in both divorce/separation and blended families has complicated matters for grandparents.

Many families have multiple sets of grandparents. Grandparents may also have both grandchildren and step-grandchildren. They may need to have relationships with both their children’s partners and their ex-partners, especially if they are providing any significant childcare for their grandchildren.

It is important to recognise that there is huge potential for conflict, misunderstanding and difficulties to occur in any of these relationships. Splitting families up and bringing new families together tends to result in high levels of emotion, and that always makes communication more fraught.

This is all before you take into account the everyday disagreements between partners that occur in most relationships.

It is also important to appreciate that many grandparents are playing much more significant roles in their grandchildren’s lives than in previous generations.

To support working parents, grandparents often provide large amounts of childcare, including care for younger children and wraparound and holiday care for school-aged children. They are therefore an important part of everyday life for many children and families.

As a grandparent, it is therefore inevitable that you will hear about—and possibly be dragged into—any disagreements. These will range from minor spats about who failed to empty the dishwasher through to much more serious disputes, such as those about co-parenting, parenting styles in a blended family, and even serious relationship difficulties between your child and their partner.

The real issue is how you respond to these disputes.

You may be tempted to read our pages on Conflict Resolution and Mediation, and then start trying to help. However, this would not necessarily be a good idea.

Dealing with Conflict Between Your Child and Their Partner or Ex-Partner

When there is any kind of disagreement between your adult child and someone else—including their partner or ex-partner—it will be tempting to take your child’s side.

You may even want to get involved: to talk to their partner about their behaviour, and try to sort out the problem.

This is natural. You have, after all, been your child’s cheerleader and supporter all their life. For a large proportion of that time, you were probably their primary problem-solver, too. Why should you stop now?

Unfortunately, your child’s romantic relationships are one area where you need to stay neutral. You certainly should not get involved in any disputes with their partner.

There are at least two very good reasons for this:

• Your child and their partner are adults—and you need to treat them as such

  They need to be able to sort out their own problems as adults. They need to communicate effectively, manage problems together, and ultimately decide about the future of their relationship together.

  They do not need other people getting involved on an ad hoc basis.

  You may think you are being helpful, and that you are neutral—but this is unlikely to be true. Your involvement is certainly not going to feel terribly neutral to your child’s partner, who may well feel ganged-up-on, and therefore more defensive.

  By getting involved, you may actually make it harder for the couple to sort out their own problems together.

  You are also not treating them as adults. Your involvement says that you don’t really trust them, and in Transactional Analysis terms, puts them into ‘Child’ mode. This is not going to help them work in Adult–Adult mode to solve their problems.

• Your involvement may come back to bite you later

  Let’s consider a hypothetical situation where being supportive might seem obvious.

  Suppose that your child and their partner have split up. Your child might then vent to you about their now ex-partner. It may be tempting to respond by saying that you had never liked them, or that they were not worthy of your child. However, now suppose that your child and their partner get back together.

  Your child now knows that you never liked their partner. They know that you will be anxious about them being together, and may be reluctant to confide in you again.

  Criticising your child’s partner tends to put your child on the defensive, even when they are really angry with their partner themselves. It can feel like you are trying to split them up, even if you are only trying to sympathise. Effectively, joining in the criticism creates a ‘them and us’ situation. At first, this may seem fine, because you and your child are on the same side. However, if they feel compelled to defend their partner, you are suddenly on the wrong side of the equation, and ‘against’ them both. This can have long-lasting effects on your relationship.

The Ideal Stance

Grandparents—and indeed parents of adult children in general—should aim for an approach of ‘neutral but supportive’ in any disputes involving their adult children.

In practice, this means:

• Sympathise with your adult child when they are experiencing difficulties. Be prepared to provide a listening ear when necessary, and make clear that you are always available if they need to talk.

• Do not comment unless invited to do so. Even then, keep it neutral and supportive. Solutions should only be offered if specifically requested, and should be positive if at all possible.

• Never criticise your child’s partner or ex-partner, whether their behaviour or personality. Whatever you might think about them, keep it to yourself. Don’t tell your child and definitely don’t tell your grandchildren.

The same approach could reasonably be taken in disputes between your ‘blood’ grandchildren and any step-grandchildren or step-parents.

This would mean:

• Listening to the problem carefully. Ask questions to make sure that you have fully understood what is happening, including both the immediate problem and any previous ‘bad blood’ that might be contributing to a lack of understanding. This process may also help your grandchild to understand the situation more clearly.

• Don’t immediately leap to providing a solution. This does not help your grandchild to develop their own problem-solving skills and you may also not have all the information.

• Instead, help your grandchild to think through how they might solve the problem themselves through communication and discussion.

  Our page on Coaching at Home may be helpful here.

• Offer to mediate with your adult child (your grandchild’s parent or step-parent) if that would be helpful. Always ask before involving your child or their partner in any conversation, and respect your grandchild’s preferences on this.

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In Conclusion...

It is worth repeating that it is always going to be tempting to rush in to help your child or grandchild, even when they are an adult.

However, it is also worth repeating that this is unlikely to be helpful if it involves their romantic or family relationships.

Instead, aim for ‘supportive but neutral’, and try to remain on good terms with everyone involved.

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