Emotional Intelligence for Grandparents

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand and manage your own emotions and those of other people. It is an essential skill in all interpersonal relationships—but grandparents may benefit particularly from developing the skills associated with it.

There are several reasons why this might be the case. Having children tends to surface emotional issues that may have been suppressed for years, such as resentment about family dynamics. It also brings tiredness and stress—and that means that emotions are closer to the surface than usual, making them harder to manage. Being better able to recognise and manage your own emotions and those of others will mean that you are better able to support your children, their partners and your grandchildren to navigate emotional shoals and—particularly the grandchildren—to help them develop their own emotional intelligence.

Family Relationships and Emotions

Family relationships tend to be full of emotions.

It is extremely hard to ‘switch off’ your emotions about your family in the way that you can with coworkers. This is partly because family members are the people with whom we have the longest-lasting and closest relationships—and with whom we are, or have been, most vulnerable.

Having your own children also has a way of surfacing issues in your relationship with your own parents—and in theirs with you.

Any concerns about grandparents’ parenting approaches or behaviour more generally tend to be magnified when grandchildren come along. Issues about family norms and expectations may be challenged, not least because your child’s partner may have very different norms and expectations. This can make for complicated emotions and situations, and emotional intelligence is helpful in calming things down, and building safer, stronger relationships.

Parenting is also a highly stressful occupation.

When children are small, and particularly in the newborn and toddler years, sleep deprivation is a very real issue. Parents often find it hard to juggle family and work commitments, creating more stress for everyone. This, again, tends to mean that emotions are magnified and harder to manage.

Grandparents, however, are a step further away.

They have ‘seen it all before’, meaning that they often have more perspective. They are also not in the middle of any difficulties such as sleeping problems in babies, or dealing with toddler tantrums, and can therefore look at the situation with a clearer eye.

They can therefore play a key role in helping to navigate emotional storms within the family.

This may be by saying the right thing, but it might also be in practical terms by recognising when a situation is becoming fraught, and offering a way out. For example, they might reduce stress by holding the baby while a new mum has a nap or a bath, or by taking them for a walk to get them to sleep.

However, this depends on them being able to take the right approach—with grace and tact, rather than by saying or showing that ‘grandma knows best’. There is an art to that, and the next section discusses it.

How Emotionally Intelligent Grandparents Behave

What do emotionally intelligent grandparents do that others do not?

The key often lies in their relationship with the generation in-between them and their grandchildren—the grandchildren’s parents.

Emotionally intelligent grandparents:

• Recognise that parents are in charge, and respect the boundaries they set

  Emotionally intelligent grandparents know that they are not their grandchildren’s parents, and don’t try to take over.

  They recognise that parents set boundaries for a reason, usually because the boundaries work for them and their children. They don’t push those boundaries, but respect them—and that means that stress levels stay low.

• Ask rather than making assumptions

  Emotionally intelligent grandparents don’t make assumptions based on what worked last time, or what they think should be happening.

  Instead, they check with parents to make sure that activities or treats will work with what is currently going on in the family. They also ask about anything new, broadening their knowledge about parenting to ensure that they too are up-to-date. Staying curious about the world is one of the best ways for grandparents to stay in touch with their adult children—and in due course, with their teenage grandchildren.

• Know how to provide advice in a way that will be acceptable

  Emotionally intelligent grandparents don’t tell their adult children (or their partners) how to parent.

  Instead, they might offer a story about their own children that hides a gentle suggestion of some alternatives, ask what they can do to help, or simply suggest having a cup of tea. One way to approach this is to ask “Do you want suggestions/advice or sympathy?”. Experts note that this also models asking and consent, which is extremely helpful learning for children.

• Validate the parenting of their children and their children’s partners

  Praising an aspect of the parenting of your child or—particularly—their partner is hugely confidence-building.

  It helps them to know that you are looking, and that you think they are doing a good job. This in turn builds trust between you, and helps them to be less stressed about both parenting and your involvement in their lives.

  There is more about this idea in our page of Top Tips for Grandparents.

• Consolidate and support parenting choices

  Emotionally intelligent grandparents don’t just accept boundaries and parenting choices.

  Instead, they actively support and build on them, to consolidate what parents are working on with their children—whether that is how to manage big emotions or developing reading skills.

  Effectively, they are a united front on parenting—and there are no loopholes for children to exploit.

• Complement without competing

  Emotionally intelligent grandparents recognise that everyone involved in a child’s life brings their own skills and knowledge.

  They also know that everyone builds their own relationship with the child. They don’t compete for attention—not with the child’s parents, and not with other grandparents. Instead, they recognise that all relationships will be different (see box), and share things they love with their grandchildren, building a bond.

  You can find out more about this in our page on building strong relationships with grandchildren.

  The Matrilineal Advantage

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  Research shows that maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their grandchildren than paternal grandparents. This is known as the matrilineal advantage.

  Research also shows that the relationship is not, at heart, a matter of the relationship between grandparent and grandchild. Instead, it is about the relationship between grandparents and the grandchildren’s mother. Mothers tend to be the ones who do most of the ‘emotional labour’ in a relationship: they communicate with grandparents, organise visits, and therefore often control access to grandchildren. They are also generally closer to their own parents than their in-laws—so maternal grandparents tend to have more access, and develop stronger, closer relationships with their grandchildren.

  This is not necessarily deliberate, or rigid. In families where fathers do similar amounts of emotional labour, and communicate similarly with their own parents, paternal grandparents have similar bonds with their grandchildren.

  The difference between emotionally intelligent grandparents and others is that emotionally intelligent grandparents understand that they don’t have to compete with the other grandparents—whether the grandchildren are their daughter’s children or their son’s.

  They simply bring themselves to the relationship, and build a bond with their grandchildren on that basis. Emotionally intelligent paternal grandparents may also do their bit to build stronger relationships with their grandchildren’s mother, and encourage more and better communication. Relationships work both ways.

• See their adult children and their partners as people, not just parents

  One of the most powerful things that anyone can do for someone else is to see them as a person.

  Parenting is an all-consuming role, and it can often feel as if nobody sees you for yourself anymore once you have children. Emotionally intelligent grandparents break through that and make clear that they see their adult children and their partners are people, not just the parents of their grandchildren.

• Model consent

  One of the most important aspects of bringing up children today is that they understand consent.

  Children need to know that it is important to ask for consent before touching others—and also to respect a ‘no’. Emotionally intelligent grandparents model this. They might ask for a hug, but if a child says no, they will respect that. Similarly, they feel able to say no to a boisterous game if they need to sit down for a bit, but might offer a quiet shared moment with a book instead.

• Teach emotional intelligence

  By modelling emotional intelligence to their grandchildren, emotionally intelligent grandparents become teachers of those skills.

  From self-awareness through emotional regulation to empathy and social skills, children will see their grandparents using these skills and learn how to use them themselves, benefitting hugely from doing so.

A Final Thought

Research tells us that emotional intelligence is one of the most valuable qualities in life.

We also know that children can learn emotional intelligence from seeing it modelled by significant people in their lives. It follows that emotionally intelligent grandparents can be a huge asset to families. They can help to smooth stress and build more confident parents and children—and they can also teach these vital skills to the next generation.