Defensiveness is a negative response to perceived criticism. It is a way to protect yourself from critical feedback, and deflect your own feelings of hurt, shame or guilt. This may sound helpful—and in the immediate moment, it can make you feel better. However, defensiveness is considered a maladaptive defence mechanism, rather than an adaptive one, because it enables you to avoid considering whether the criticism levelled at you is justified.

As our page on Dealing with Criticism makes clear, being criticised can be an unpleasant experience. However, it is important to avoid defensiveness as a response, because even the most unconstructive criticism may have a kernel of truth within it. This page explains more about how you can hear criticism without retreating into defensiveness.

Defining Defensiveness

The adjective defensive, and its linked noun defensiveness have their roots in the Latin word defensus, meaning 'to ward off'. It is therefore associated with resisting attack—and in the modern sense, with avoiding criticism.

Signs that you may be feeling defensive include:

• Feelings of hurt, shame or guilt

• Snapping at someone when they criticise you

• Being sarcastic in response to criticism

• Making excuses about why the criticism does not apply

• Trying to justify your actions in some way

• Responding with criticism of the other person

• Ignoring the person who has criticised you

These reactions allow you to ignore or reject feedback and criticism by deflecting the attack elsewhere (criticising back or snapping at the person criticising you), or refusing to accept it (sarcasm or ignoring).

Fundamentally, defensiveness is a way to avoid having to take responsibility for your actions or inactions, and their results.

The defensive mechanism may arise in response to previous experiences, such as receiving excessively harsh criticism as a child, or being rejected or bullied in some way. Some people are also more sensitive to criticism generally. Defensiveness may also be a learned behaviour, perhaps from a parent.

Defensiveness is thought to arise when the limbic system within the brain is activated.

This is a fairly primitive part of the brain, and deals with emotions. It is therefore not really concerned with reason or logic—which explains why we often rush to defensiveness without conscious thought.

Overall, defensiveness is generally agreed to be a way to protect yourself and your self-esteem from further harm.

In the immediate moment, being defensive may help you to feel better. However, over time, it will be counter-productive, and is also likely to harm your relationships with those around you.

Types of Defensiveness

Researchers have identified several distinct types of defensive behaviour. They include:

• Attacking the other person, as a way to discredit what they have said about you. This is usually on a personal level, and known as ad hominem attacks

• Bringing up the past, to remind the other person of their own mistakes and therefore distract from yours

• Ignoring or the 'silent treatment', to 'pay back' the other person for their criticism, and regain control of the relationship

• 'Gaslighting', which means lying or pretending that the other person has misinterpreted or forgotten what you did, as a way to undermine their belief in themselves. The term comes from the film 'Gaslight', where a man persuades his wife that she is mad by manipulating events to make her doubt her own experience

• Shifting the blame for the original problem onto the other person

• 'Righteous indignation', suggesting that it is outrageous that anyone should criticise you about this issue

• Acting the victim, where you accept the blame, but then cry and blame yourself to make the other person feel guilty, and stop criticising you

The Impact of Defensiveness

Defensiveness has multiple impacts, both on you and those around you.

The impact on you includes that you may feel bad about the way that you react, especially if you realise that you are harming your relationships. People who behave defensively often feel negative about themselves and their situation, and this can be damaging for their self-esteem in the longer term.

Being defensive also generally makes situations worse, which is unhelpful if they are already a bit tense.

Similarly, it is rare to be able to solve a problem when one or both of those involved retreats into defensiveness. In romantic relationships, being defensive can often lead to long-term problems, or even break-up, because you are unable to discuss difficulties or challenges in your relationship.

---

---

Avoiding and Overcoming Defensiveness

It is therefore important to be able to recognise when you are retreating into defensiveness—and take action to avoid doing so.

1. Start by becoming aware of when you are being defensive

The first step towards being able to manage your defensiveness is to recognise when it is happening.

Focus on how you behave, and look out for any of the distinctive behaviors—sarcasm, snapping back, blaming others and so on. When you notice yourself doing any of those things, take a step back and ask yourself why. What is the underlying feeling, and why do you feel the need to react like that?

This process may take some work, and you may find it helpful to keep a diary or journal to track when you behaved defensively.

2. Recognise and validate your feelings

The next step is to recognise and validate how you feel when you are criticised.

It is OK to feel hurt, or upset, or even ashamed. Acknowledge and name those feelings, and accept that this is how you feel in the moment. A diary or journal may also be helpful here to record your feelings, because this forces you to name them and think through what this means to you.

Recognising your feelings is an alternative way to protect yourself. It says that those feelings are acceptable, and you therefore do not have to retreat into defensiveness for protection. It also forces your emotional brain into a more logical mode.

3. Choose how to react

Now that you have acknowledged your feelings, you can choose how you react to them.

Crucially, you don't have to be defensive.

Instead, you can ask for more information. You can also accept the feedback (and for more about how to accept feedback gracefully, see our page on Giving and Receiving Feedback). Alternatively, you can simply say that you don't feel able to deal with it now. However, this means that you have to commit to thinking about it, and then coming back to the other person. This may feel like putting things off, but it can also be a helpful way to gain reflection time, and also to talk to other people.

4. Take responsibility for your actions and inactions

Defensiveness is often a way to avoid responsibility.

Instead of moving straight to defensiveness, try acknowledging and taking responsibility for your actions or inactions.

A swift and heartfelt apology for your behaviour or its consequences goes a long way to disarming even righteous anger—and it also helps to avoid defensiveness. It is also helpful to acknowledge that you understand the reason for the criticism.

The key is to do what is needed to move beyond blame and anger, and instead find a constructive solution to the problem.

5. Identify trigger points and topics

If possible, identify situations, topics and people that are more likely to trigger defensiveness in you.

Take note of when you are most likely to feel defensive, and then try to avoid those situations or people. It is also perfectly acceptable to say that you don't want to discuss particular subjects unless you are doing so constructively—that is, that you are actively looking for a solution, and not to apportion blame.

6. Be open to feedback

Not all criticism is unconstructive or inaccurate.

It is important to be open to feedback, even if poorly expressed. This means being prepared to discuss other people's views about you or your behaviour in a constructive way.

If someone is taking time to say something, there is a reason. It may just be that they like to complain, and you were in the room. You may also decide that the criticism is not justified. However, you should always consider it before discarding it, because there may be something useful in there.

7. Be assertive in how you respond

The key to responding to criticism with grace is assertiveness.

Use the rules of feedback (and see our page on Giving and Receiving Feedback for these):

• Be clear to the other person about how their criticism makes you feel, using 'I'-based language (e.g. "When you say I 'always' do that, I feel hurt, because I feel that it is exaggerated, and doesn't recognise the contribution that I make")

• Ask for specific examples to support the feedback

• Focus on solutions, and putting the situation right, rather than assigning blame

Ultimately, consider putting some distance into the relationship if you cannot manage it assertively.

There is more about how to become more assertive in our pages on Assertiveness.

8. Build your self-esteem

Defensiveness often occurs when someone has low self-esteem, or belief in their own worth as a person.

One way to manage it is therefore to work on your self-esteem so that your self-worth does not depend on what others say.

Our page on Improving Self-Esteem provides some ideas for how you might do this.

---

And Finally...

The opposite of defensiveness is often open-mindedness.

It is hard to be defensive if you are fully open to alternative ideas and viewpoints. It is therefore a good idea to expose yourself to lots of different ideas and perspectives—or even just do things differently every now and then, to keep your curiosity alive. Our page on Curiosity provides some ways in which you might start to do this.

---