Understanding Shame
See also: Self-RegulationShame, or being ashamed is a negative emotion similar to guilt. However, guilt is focused on behaviours such as actions or inactions, and shame is focused on the self, and feelings of being inadequate or unworthy. Psychologists therefore believe that shame is therefore much less useful or helpful than guilt, because it results in self-dislike, rather than positive action to make change.
However, saying that shame is unhelpful, and actually moving beyond shame to more positive feelings, are two different things! This page explains more about shame, and how we can start to cope with and manage these feelings.
Defining Shame
Shame is a complex negative emotion (see box).
Definitions of shame
shame n. a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.
Source: Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 11th edition
shame n. the humiliating feeling of having appeared to disadvantage in one's own eyes, or those of others, as by shortcoming, offence or unseemly exposure, or a like feeling on behalf of anything one associates with oneself: susceptibility to such feeling: fear or scorn of incurring disgrace or dishonour.
Source: Chambers English Dictionary, 1988 edition.
[Shame is] a highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one's own conduct or circumstances. It is typically characterized by withdrawal from social intercourse.
Source: American Psychological Association
It is also worth considering the distinctions between shame and other negative emotions, particularly guilt and remorse. People often use the words interchangeably, but there are some clear differences, especially in how psychologists view them (see box).
Shame, remorse and guilt
What are the differences between shame, remorse and guilt? All may be experienced when we do something wrong, but they are definitely not the same.
Guilt is the feeling that we are responsible for something going wrong, and the desire to put right that wrong.
Remorse is a combination of sadness and disgust: that is, it describes regret at actions or inactions, but without the sense of responsibility or desire to put things right.
Shame is a feeling of inadequacy or unworthiness, focused on the self rather than actions or inactions.
Generally, guilt and remorse are associated with specific behaviours. Shame is a more general feeling focused on the whole self, and a sense of being fundamentally flawed, rather than behaving badly.
This difference can be summed as "I did something wrong" vs. "I am a bad person".
Shame is therefore associated with embarrassment, humiliation and even disgrace. These are all unpleasant feelings that affect our feelings about ourselves, and can therefore have an important impact on our self-esteem.
Shame can also lead us to withdraw from other people and avoid contact. This can be because we feel that we are unworthy of others, or we wish to hide the thing that we are ashamed of doing or being. This can therefore have further negative effects on how we feel about ourselves, leading to a downward spiral.
This damage to self-esteem can have consequences, potentially leading to more serious mental health problems such as depression or anxiety, or issues with aggression and anger.
A function for shame?
Shame might seem like a damaging emotion, but psychologists believe that—like all negative emotions—it may still have a function.
They suggest that it originally evolved as a way to ensure that people follow societal norms and expectations. If you don't follow those norms, you feel shame and withdraw, therefore protecting others from you.
Shame per se is therefore not a bad thing—but too much shame can be debilitating and damaging.
Researchers suggest that there are many different types of shame. For example, transient shame is only felt briefly, and may actually be useful in helping you to notice social cues. This feeling is perhaps best described as embarrassment. Chronic shame is constant and debilitating, and when we talk about 'too much' shame, this is often what we mean.
Humiliation is another form of shame, often associated with other people witnessing something that you find embarrassing. Social anxiety may also be a form of this type of shame, because it is associated with a fear of embarrassing yourself in front of strangers.
There is more about this in our page on Anxiety, and you may also be interested in our guest post on Managing Social Anxiety.
Behaviours Associated with Shame
Academics have identified four types of behaviour associated with shame. They are:
A 'hot' response, or your immediate reaction when you feel ashamed or defensive. This can include 'lashing out' in anger. This is often an impulsive reaction, not one rooted in logic.
Behaviours to hide yourself and your feelings of shame, including hiding and withdrawing physically, or avoiding sharing your opinions and feelings. This is a form of self-protection to stop yourself from being exposed to situations that may make you feel worse.
'Safety behaviours' to avoid shame or being discovered. These are slightly different from hiding, because they include things like apologising, crying and avoiding conflict.
Behaviours that 'repair' your shame, such as finding reasons for your behaviour, or apologising. These behaviours may be more associated with guilt and actions, rather than shame—but using them could be a way to avoid guilt spiralling into shame.
Coping with Shame
If you often feel a sense of shame, it is important to develop ways of coping and managing that feeling. This will help you to avoid the downward spiral described earlier.
Methods to do so might include:
Building your ability to reflect on your behaviour, also known as reflective practice. This will help you to understand more about when you feel shame, and therefore why, and also how you behave as a result. This is the first step towards being able to cope with shame, because it starts to put a 'frame' around it.
'Naming' shame. It is helpful to be clear about what emotions you are feeling at any given time. Naming and exposing shame means that it is easier to embrace it, rather than trying to hide it—a step towards healthier behaviours.
Ensuring that you clearly separate you and your actions. You might feel bad about something you did—but that doesn't make you a bad person. It is important to be able to separate your sense of self and your actions, and not feel like your behaviour is actually the whole of you.
Focusing on addressing your behaviour. It can be helpful to think about what you can do to address your 'bad' behaviour, including putting things right or apologising. This can help to avoid feeling shame.
Using mindfulness as a way of helping you to recognise shameful thoughts. Mindfulness is about living in the moment, and can therefore help you to avoid regret—another cousin of shame. It can also be a way of letting go of thoughts of shame, and helping you to move forwards, possibly towards putting things right if necessary.
Our page on Mindfulness may be a good starting point.
Adopt an approach of self-compassion. We are very often our own harshest critics. We judge ourselves far more than others do. Instead of telling yourself that you are bad because you did something wrong, try being less harsh, and giving yourself a break.
Get better at setting boundaries with yourself and others. Better boundaries will mean that you are better able to say what is and is not OK with you. This means that you don't have to be in situations that make you feel bad about yourself—and therefore avoids feeling shame.
As a general principle, it is also helpful to build up your self-esteem.
Feelings of shame are often closely linked to self-esteem. People with higher self-esteem find it easier to be kind to themselves, and to distinguish between themselves and their actions. It may therefore be particularly useful to start by focusing on that.
For example, you might use positive affirmations, or spend time around people who make you feel good about yourself. Both of these will help you to feel better about yourself—an important part of self-esteem.
There is more about how you might do this in our page on Self-Esteem.
Positive thinking is another tool that can help to improve your self-esteem. It works because it helps you to banish negative thoughts, and focus on what is good about you and your situation. Positive thinking may sound a bit 'fluffy', but it has proven psychological and even physical effects.
Getting better at managing your internal dialogue can also be helpful, because it means that you are better able to challenge negative or unhelpful thoughts.
A Final Thought
The ideas on this page should help you to understand and identify when you are feeling shame. They also provide methods to help you cope. However, if you are finding it very hard to manage feelings of shame, then you should consider seeking professional help.
Constantly feeling unworthy and withdrawing from social contact is not good for your mental health. Seek support from your doctor in the first instance, and they will be able to refer you for more help if necessary.