There are likely to be very few people who have never felt embarrassed. That feeling of wishing the ground would open and swallow you up to remove you the mortification of your immediate situation is probably familiar to all of us—as well as the general level of discomfort associated. This feeling can have major effects on how we behave both in the moment and in the future.

However, why do we feel like this? Studies suggest that all emotions have a function—so what is that of embarrassment? Embarrassment, like shame and guilt, is a self-conscious emotion. It is a highly uncomfortable state, and very hard to 'own' in the moment. This page explains more about why we might feel embarrassment, and its purpose in our lives, and how we can learn to live with it and even shrug it off when necessary.

Defining Embarrassment

Embarrassment is interesting, because it is a 'self-conscious' emotion.

The American Psychological Association adds that embarrassment may arise "when being observed engaging in actions that are subject to mild disapproval from others".

This means that we feel embarrassment when we think that we have done something that other people will judge to be stupid or wrong.

We might therefore say that it is the result of a perceived failure to comply with a social norm. In other words, embarrassment is often associated with worrying about what other people will think. You do not, in general, become embarrassed when you are by yourself—unless you are thinking about how other people might react to your behaviour.

Embarrassment is usually associated with a relatively mild social transgression—it is not as severe as, say, shame. However, it can also stem from positive attention as well as negative. For example, people may feel embarrassed about having attention drawn to them in some way, such as being paid a compliment in public. This embarrassment arises even though the attention is positive and approving, perhaps because we are being singled out of the crowd for some reason.

Based on this, some psychologists distinguish between two types of embarrassment:

• Actor-initiated embarrassment is where you experience embarrassment because you do something that is inappropriate, foolish, or inconsistent with social norms

• Observer-initiated embarrassment is where your embarrassment is caused by someone else's actions, such as praising you, or singling you out, or where your private information is revealed by someone else.

It is even possible to feel embarrassed on behalf of someone else. If you see someone make a social transgression, you can sometimes feel your own face getting hot, as you consider how embarrassed they must be. This arises from our ability to feel empathy.

Why Do We Feel Embarrassed?

Psychologists suggest that the main function of embarrassment is to help us to learn from mistakes.

When we feel bad about mistakes, we tend not to repeat them. Embarrassment is highly uncomfortable but not life-threatening. It therefore makes us feel bad about personal or societal mistakes, without having any serious repercussions—at least not in the moment.

There is even some evidence that people who tend to feel more embarrassment tend to behave 'better' to avoid the feeling.

There may also be a secondary purpose.

People who are embarrassed will often show that by laughing nervously, sweating, stammering, fidgeting or blushing (turning red).

These are not usually conscious reactions, or controllable. They appear to act as a signal to other people to show that we are concerned about the reaction to our mistake, or to the attention being paid to us.

The outward signs of embarrassment—the blushing, stammering and fidgeting, for example—show others that we regret our actions or mistakes. This may make it easier for people to forgive the error. Some studies have shown that people who showed immediate signs of embarrassment after doing something foolish (such as knocking down a display in a shop) got a kinder response than those who seemed indifferent to what they had done. This followed even when people immediately took action to mend their mistake.

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Managing (and Getting Over) Embarrassment

The real question is how we can manage—which means 'live with'—embarrassment both in the moment and as a recollection.

Some people seem to be able to manage it with much more grace than others. They can laugh at themselves in the moment, and therefore turn attention away from the mistake. They may also be able to 'bounce back' quicker, and feel less self-conscious for a shorter time.

Other people, meanwhile, may dwell on the experience, and even start to develop feelings of anxiety about being put in the same situation again. This may lead them to avoid certain situations. Over time, this can even lead to depression.

What is the key to being more resilient?

The main answer seems to be the ability to laugh at your mistakes. Research also shows that people who can shrug off embarrassment with laughter tend to be viewed as more trustworthy and likeable. This may help to make these people generally feel more confident—which in turn is linked to general resilience.

Other things that may help are:

• Recognising that everyone makes mistakes, and that we all experience embarrassment at some time or another—in other words, that your experience is not unique

• Talking to people about it, because this can help you process your feelings, and also get support from other people

• Considering what you could do differently in future to avoid similar outcomes. However, this may not be very helpful if it was an honest mistake, and it is certainly never helpful to dwell on your embarrassment

• Being able to develop perspective on the magnitude of your mistake or the situation, and also how many people noticed it. Even if everyone present was laughing, that still isn't that many people when considered on a global scale.

You should also consider that embarrassment, including the memory, will fade over time—both for you and for others. In fact, most of those around you will probably have forgotten about it by the end of the week, if not the day.

This really boils down to appreciating that you were not the first person to be embarrassed—and nor will you be the last. Nor, in the overall scheme of things, is this a very important event. Nobody will be talking about it in 100 years.

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A Final Thought...

Perhaps most importantly, there is another key to handling embarrassment: stop worrying so much about what other people think of you.

You don't want to turn into a psychopath, of course. However, there is a fine line between caring too much about what other people think, and being concerned enough that you do not offend people by violating too many social norms.

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