Jealousy, or its close relation envy, is one of the Seven Deadly Sins in Christianity—and frowned upon by many other religions. This suggests that it is likely to be harmful in a societal sense, and therefore something that is generally discouraged. However, why is this? It may be because jealousy is generally seen as destructive (consider the phrase "eaten up with jealousy"), but surely this is on a personal level? Why should this be a problem for society?

This page unpicks this issue, explaining more about what we mean by jealousy and envy. It explores why they are generally considered unhelpful negative emotions, but also considers why they might exist, and what they are telling us when they appear. Finally, it talks about how to cope with them.

Defining Jealousy and Envy

Jealousy and envy are unpleasant and negative emotions associated with either wanting something that someone else has, or wanting to protect what you have from others.

Are envy and jealousy the same thing? Some people suggest that they are synonyms, and others that they are merely closely related, or even completely different concepts.

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary suggests that the meaning depends on the context.

If you are talking about an object, then the two words are more or less synonymous. If you said that someone's new dress filled you with envy, it would mean the same as saying that it filled you with jealousy: you are expressing a wish that you owned that dress.

However, there is a subtle difference, and it becomes clear when the words are used in a romantic context.

Envy there is about wanting something that someone else has. Jealousy, however, is about protecting something that you have from someone else. The phrase used by Merriam-Webster to describe this is that jealousy carries "a sense of zealous vigilance".

In other words, you might be envious of someone because you wanted their partner. They might also be jealous of you for the same reason. However, the two words could not be exchanged without changing the meaning. This suggests that the two are in fact not synonymous, but that people use them interchangeably because jealousy is more socially acceptable than envy.

The American Psychological Association agrees with this, saying that jealousy differs from envy because three people are always involved in a situation where there is jealousy.

Jealousy requires three people, but envy requires three elements. These are a person who has something that we do not, a desire for that something, and a feeling of personal pain about the absence of that thing from our lives. This personal pain makes envy much less detached than many emotions.

In his book Envy, writer Joseph Epstein suggested that envy also has a strong component of malice. In other words, people who are envious don't just want something that someone else has got, they want the other person not to have it. It is not enough to be equally successful, the other person must be reduced in some way.

An Unpleasant Emotion

Jealousy and envy are therefore strongly negative emotions. However, they are more than that. They are also unpleasant emotions for everyone involved.

They have a very bad press for a reason. From Shakespeare to more modern writers, and in real life too, we learn that nothing good comes from jealousy, or to those who are jealous.

Similarly, Joseph Epstein famously wrote that of the seven deadly sins, only envy was no fun.

In other words, both jealousy and envy are generally seen as unhelpful and unproductive.

They don't help us to get what we want, and they make our lives less comfortable. It is, after all, hard to be happy about what we have if we are feeling envious that others have more.

As Theodore Roosevelt wisely said, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

Psychologists suggest that—like all negative emotions—jealousy at least may have a function: a feeling of jealousy tells us that an important social relationship is threatened in some way.

Generally speaking, we are not jealous if someone flirts with our spouse, only if our spouse flirts back. In other words, someone wanting what we have is not a problem. In fact, we might even be flattered, provided it doesn't look likely that they will get that thing. Jealousy may therefore act as a signal that we need to work on a relationship if we want it to survive. However, even there, it can be a destructive force, and so needs to be carefully handled.

More importantly, perhaps, both envy and jealousy can actually decrease us.

They make us less pleasant to be around, including for ourselves. They can also actually make us both physically and mentally ill. Problems associated with feelings of envy and jealousy include cardiovascular issues, depression, anxiety and insomnia.

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Managing Jealousy and Envy

It is important to recognise, manage and reduce feelings of both jealousy and envy as far as possible, for the sake of our own health and those around us.

The first step is to recognise them. The problem here is that nobody likes to admit to either jealousy or envy, because they are not very attractive emotions. This means that you need to be very honest with yourself about your feelings, and be prepared to name names.

Once you are aware that you are feeling envious or jealous, the next step is to act to move away from those feelings.

For jealousy, sometimes just acknowledging the feeling may be enough.

However, it is probably also helpful to look at why you feel jealous. Given that jealousy may be a signal that you are concerned about a relationship with someone else, it is often a good idea to talk to the other person about how you feel. You may, for example, be misinterpreting their behavior (and our page on the Ladder of Inference will help you to understand why this might happen). Whatever the problem, it seems unlikely that any interpersonal relationship will be damaged by more open communication.

The key to addressing envy is called reframing.

Instead of being envious of something that someone else has got, we have to recognise what they may have given up to get it. For example:

• Someone who works really long hours in a high-paying job may have money, and a beautiful house—but they probably don't have time to enjoy it much because they are so busy working.

• Someone who has chosen to be a stay-at-home parent may have more time to spend with their family—but they don't necessarily have the money to go on luxury holidays.

Reframing therefore applies logic to envious or jealous thought patterns.

What about people who have acquired something through very little effort, such as a lottery win? Even there, logic can be applied. This can be seen as a matter of luck, which might happen to anyone. Envy will not help anyone to be luckier, and on the whole, luck evens out over time.

The most important piece of reframing is twofold:

1. To focus on what we have, rather than what we have not.

   Once we start to do that, we can begin to feel happier by 'counting our blessings', rather than constantly looking for the next thing that we 'should' acquire.

2. To seek to emulate, not to envy

   In other words, we can choose to feel bad because someone else has what we want—or we can look at what they have done, and see if we can do the same things with a view to improving our situation.

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A Final Thought

Both envy and jealousy are very human emotions—but also negative and unpleasant.

They can be bad for our health and our mood, and make us unpleasant to be around.

The approaches of focusing on what we have, and seeking to emulate others, provide a positive way to move beyond feelings of envy or jealousy. They allow us to make something much more positive of our lives.

That has to be a good thing.

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