Understanding Insecurity

Defining Insecurity

Insecurity is, in general, a lack of certainty about the world.

We talk about financial insecurity, or job insecurity, meaning that we are not sure what the future holds. The use of the term often implies concern about your ability to meet your own or your family's needs.

In psychology, however, the term has a slightly different and more specific meaning (see box).

Insecurity in psychology

insecurity, n. a feeling of inadequacy, lack of self-confidence, and inability to cope, accompanied by general uncertainty and anxiety about one's goals, abilities, or relationships with others.

American Psychological Association, Dictionary of Psychology

We can therefore think of insecurity as low self-confidence, although it may also be coupled with a dash of low self-esteem.

As our pages on these two qualities explain, self-confidence is having faith in yourself. Confident people believe in their ability to manage tasks or roles, and deal with situations.

Almost by definition, therefore, people who lack confidence feel insecure.

Self-esteem is your view of yourself as a person, and how you value yourself. Long-term insecurity can therefore damage your self-esteem, but insecurity might also emerge from low self-esteem. These qualities are therefore closely linked.

Causes of Insecurity

It is not always clear what causes insecurity.

Sometimes there is an obvious cause: a new job, a change of environment, or perhaps a traumatic event that upsets how we see ourselves and our abilities. Being disciplined at work or school can cause short-term feelings of insecurity. This is particularly likely to be the case if you are not sure exactly what you did wrong. Similarly, a bad relationship, such as a toxic friendship, can also cause feelings of insecurity to build up over time.

Sometimes insecurity can be the result of a long, slow build-up of previous experience, but it can also arise from a single event.

For some people, however, there is no obvious reason or cause for the feeling. They may simply be more prone to negative self-talk and feeling a bit inadequate.

Types of Insecurity

There are many different types of insecurity—or rather, situations in which we may feel insecure. After all, lack of confidence is not specific to particular situations. However, there are some situations, factors and events that may be more likely to be associated with feelings of insecurity. These include:

Social situations, associated with insecurity about how we are seen by those around us, and how we interact with other people. In some people, this type of insecurity may develop into full-blown social anxiety, causing serious problems in interacting with others.
Body image is often a source of insecurity. We are bombarded with images of perfection—and while we may know that these have probably been edited, it is hard not to feel insecure when we do not match up.

You can read more about this in our page on Positive Body Image.
Relationships or attachments are also often a source of insecurity. People who have been let down in previous relationships can often feel insecure in new ones. Previous relationships may include parental or friendship experiences as well as romantic relationships.

A classification of insecurities

Some psychologists suggest that there are three broad types of insecurities:

Personal insecurities are about how you view yourself, and how you think others may be viewing you. They include body image issues, or concerns about your lifestyle.
Professional insecurities are about how you view yourself at work, and particularly concerns about your performance at work. These may manifest in behaviours like not applying for a promotion because you think you won't get it, or avoiding situations that you will find difficult instead of working out how to manage them.
Relationship insecurities relate to your personal relationships with others, and how you build relationships.

Signs and Symptoms of Insecurity

Just as there are different types and causes of security, the signs and symptoms also vary considerably between individuals and circumstances.

However, there are some issues that may be common to all, or particularly common in certain types of insecurity. For example, many people who feel insecure often have low self-esteem. It is hard to know whether this is a cause of insecurity, or a result of feeling insecure over a long period.

Insecurity is also associated with a tendency towards perfectionism. This may seem paradoxical, but the need for everything to be perfect stems from a feeling of never being quite enough—in yourself or in your actions. Perfectionism is particularly likely to be associated with insecurity about body image or about your job or performance.

Insecurity about your job can—also paradoxically—lead to poorer performance that makes job security less likely. People may disengage from work by looking for other jobs, or simply going off sick.

Social insecurity is often associated with a tendency towards social isolation. This makes sense: if you are insecure about social situations, you are more likely to avoid them, meaning that you may isolate yourself from your friends.

People who are insecure about relationships may have problems developing strong, secure and functional attachments in new relationships. Instead, they may adopt dysfunctional attachment styles that can damage relationships. For example:

They may become very emotionally dependent on others at a very early stage in the relationship. This may manifest in fantasising about the future of the relationship in a way that others may see as 'creepy', or being very clingy and demanding constant attention. This is known as an anxious attachment style.
Alternatively, they may protect themselves by not fully engaging in any relationship. This more distant, emotionally unavailable attachment style is known as avoidant attachment.

None of these behaviours are healthy in themselves. However, they may also lead to other mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression. As our page on Managing Self-Dialogue explains, constant negative self-dialogue—like that often encountered when you feel insecure—starts in your head. However, it can also become your reality over time.

It is therefore important to know how to manage and overcome insecurity, to avoid developing further problems.

Managing and Overcoming Insecurity

There are several important actions that you can take to manage and overcome insecurity:

1. Take notice of your feelings

We feel emotions for a reason—and that includes insecurity.

Instead of dismissing your feelings, it is worth asking yourself why you might feel like that. See it as a signal that something in your life might need to change, and consider what that something might be.

This can help you to make positive, deliberate changes that will help you to feel more confident.

Note: positive change, NOT avoidance

This does NOT mean that you should use feelings of insecurity as a signal telling you to avoid all social situations, or withdraw from work!

Running away from problems is at best only a short-term solution. In the longer term, withdrawal and avoidance will only lead to more problems.

Instead, take a long hard look at what makes you happy or anxious, and ask yourself if there is anything that you could do that would positively make a difference to how you feel in the long term.

2. Build strong, meaningful social networks

Good, strong social networks go a long way to help with insecurity.

They help you to avoid developing it in the first place, and they give you a grounding in reality if you do start to feel a bit insecure about something. Having friends helps you to engage in social relationships, and build good, functional attachments. Good friendships inside and outside the workplace have also been shown to reduce feelings of professional insecurity, and help you to avoid behaviours that may make job insecurity more likely.

3. Concentrate on developing trust

People who feel insecure are often less likely to trust others. For example, they may be more likely to perceive rejection in 'normal' behaviour. That may lead them to withdraw, in turn making them more insecure in their relationships.

Instead, ask yourself if you have any genuine reason not to trust those around you, particularly when they are expressing liking for you.

If you have no real reason, why not take expressions of liking at face value instead of doubting them? Our page on the Ladder of Inference may also be helpful in understanding why your perceptions may not match reality.

5. Work on your self-esteem and self-confidence

If insecurity is associated with low self-esteem and self-confidence, it makes sense that working on both those issues could help you to become less insecure.

Learning to manage your internal dialogue and challenging negative self-talk is a good first step towards both.

It is also helpful to stop comparing yourself to others, because comparisons tend to breed unhappiness. This is particularly true if you are comparing yourself to other people's carefully-curated social media feeds, rather than the reality of their everyday lives.

Emotions as signals (again)

If you feel insecure because of a comparison with someone else's life, this may be an important signal about what you value.

If you are envious of their children, or new house, or new job, this may be a sign that you want these things in your life. Instead of feeling envious, ask yourself what changes you could make to achieve the things that you value.

Our pages on Improving Self-Esteem and Building Confidence provide lots of useful tips to help you to improve both. Our page on Managing Self-Dialogue may also be helpful.

5. Avoid avoidance

It is not always a good idea to avoid situations that you think may be difficult.

Instead, attending that social event, or giving that talk, can help to build your confidence.

However, it is also not a good idea to leap straight in at the deep end. That can make you more anxious in future.

Try to find ways to make situations easier, rather than avoiding them altogether. For example, instead of going to an event alone, arrange to meet a friend beforehand, and go together. This applies to both social and work events. If you have to give a presentation and the thought fills you with dread, try practising in front of colleagues and getting some feedback beforehand, or seek out opportunities to make smaller presentations more regularly to build your confidence.

A Final Thought

It is worth reminding yourself that everyone feels insecure at times.

It is part of being human—like pretty much every emotion.

The difference between people is how they deal with that feeling, and particularly whether they use it as a motivator or an excuse.

Continue to:
Avoiding and Managing Stress
Assertiveness - Tips & Techniques