The word 'guilty' in English carries solemn connotations in law. It is the word that signals judgement—and usually punishment—in courts of law. Being guilty of a crime is a serious matter.

However, we also use the word 'guilty' to describe feelings, and somehow it is used more lightly in this context. We talk about feeling guilty about things that may seem relatively small to others—letting our children watch television, or eating too many biscuits, for example. These are certainly not crimes, so is how we feel about them disproportionate? And perhaps more importantly, is a feeling of guilt useless, as some people have claimed?

This page unpacks some of these issues to help you understand guilt. It also explains the differences between remorse, guilt and shame, and provides some ideas for coping with feelings of guilt.

Defining Guilt

It is worth looking at some different definitions of guilt (see box).

There is no question that guilt relates to doing something wrong—the legal context mentioned above. Most dictionaries are also clear in the origin of the word, from the Old English gylt, meaning either a crime or sin, or a fine that was paid following some wrongdoing.

It also seems clear that it relates to feeling responsible for having done something wrong.

This sense of taking responsibility is crucial. Someone who commits a crime but does not feel it was wrong, or that it was not their fault, will not feel guilt. In other words, guilt is a self-conscious emotion: it comes from within ourselves, and requires self-evaluation.

It is also clearly recognised that feelings of guilt are not necessarily proportional. They can arise from relatively minor wrongdoings, provided that we perceive them as wrong, and especially if they violate our self-view or the standards that we set for ourselves.

Some people suggest that guilt is a 'useless emotion'.

However, others argue that guilt is not useless.

In his book Understanding Your 7 Emotions, clinical psychologist Lawrence Howells argues that far from immobilising you, guilt actually drives action. This might include apologising, or putting right the wrong. However, he adds that it is also important to recognise that there are times when guilt can be damaging, or can stop you acting appropriately, usually because you are struggling to respond to it effectively. Indeed, chronic guilt is generally seen as an indicator of potential mental health problems.

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Guilt vs. Remorse vs. Shame

While we are defining emotions, it is worth considering other emotions that are very similar to guilt, and may therefore be confused with it.

The two emotions that are particularly often confused with guilt are remorse and shame:

Remorse is a combination of sadness and disgust, according to Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions (and for more, see our page on Understanding Emotions). It therefore sounds very similar to guilt, in that it is about being sad or regretting particular actions or inactions. However, it does not carry the same sense of responsibility, or desire to put right the wrong.

Shame is a feeling of inadequacy or worthlessness. It is often seen as much more general than remorse or guilt, because it tends to focus on the self as a whole, rather than particular behaviors.

Types of Guilt

Some researchers have suggested that there are different types of guilt. The most common types identified are:

• Deontological guilt, resulting from breaking personal moral standards or values;

• Altruistic guilt, resulting from doing something that harms or hurts someone else, and which is associated with appreciating the pain of that person, a concept linked to empathy;

• Existential guilt, resulting from not living up to your own expectations; and

• Non-related guilt, which arises when there is no clear link between your actions and the outcomes, but you still feel guilty (for example, the guilt that someone may feel for surviving a natural disaster or accident that killed other people).

Coping with Guilt

When we talk about coping with guilt, it is worth distinguishing between what we might call appropriate and inappropriate feelings of guilt.

It is relatively easy to address appropriate feelings of guilt—those that result directly and proportionately from something that you have done (or failed to do). For example, you can apologise, or you can make some kind of reparation for the wrong or harm that you have done.

However, inappropriate feelings of guilt are harder to manage.

We can define these as being either disproportionate to the harm done, or not related to your actions (survivor guilt, for example).

One example of feeling over-guilty compared to the harm done is the guilt that many working mothers feel about not being able to stay at home with their children all the time—and that many stay-at-home mothers feel about not working, and the example this may set their children about gender expectations. These examples are both related to the standards that people set for themselves, or that they perceive society as setting for them.

These inappropriate feelings of guilt need more than simple apologies. Instead, they need some self-reflection and a willingness to forgive yourself. Useful issues to consider include:

• Whether you may be setting impossible standards for yourself, which can mean that you feel too much responsibility and therefore guilt because you cannot meet these standards. This is worth unpicking, because often our internal moral standards are based on deep values that were embedded during childhood, and which may not be either rational or helpful.

  Our pages on Goodness and Discovering your Values may help here.

• What is within and beyond your control. It is important to recognise that there will always be some factors that you cannot control—and that are therefore not worth worrying about.

  Our page on Managing Personal Change may help here.

• Recognising that your feelings are personal. In particular, it can be helpful to appreciate that other people may feel guilty for doing the thing that you wish you could do, such as the conundrum faced by parents about whether to work or stay at home with their children.

• Appreciating that you may now have more information that would have caused you to act differently. In other words, if you knew then what you know now, you would have done something different—but you didn't know. Consider if you might change your behavior in future to avoid similar situations, but don't waste time regretting what has passed.

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And Finally...

Guilt, like many negative emotions, is uncomfortable and unpleasant.

This is important because it drives us to take action to remove the unpleasant feeling. This can help us to put right any wrongdoing, and ensure that we rebuild any relationships that have been damaged by our actions.

That said, not all guilt is necessary or helpful. Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves, and move on.

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