Defensiveness is a negative reaction to perceived criticism. It is thought to be a way to protect yourself from criticism and particularly from being hurt by it. However, many of the techniques used by defensive people are unhelpful when used between adults. In particular, they are often designed to avoid having to take responsibility (and therefore blame), deflect the criticism back to the other person, or attack the other person in some way.

It is therefore important to be able to overcome defensive responses in yourself—and our page on Avoiding and Managing Defensiveness explains more about how to do so. However, it is also important to understand how to avoid making other people defensive, and how to deal with someone who becomes defensive. This page explains more.

Defensiveness: A Brief Recap

It is worth briefly covering the nature of defensiveness, and how it manifests itself.

The word itself has its root in the Latin term defensus, meaning 'to ward off'. This gives a clue about the nature of defensiveness: it is all about fending off a perceived attack. Defensiveness is defined as being sensitive or anxious about being attacked or criticised.

When people feel defensive, their possible reactions may include snapping at the person that they perceive has criticised them, trying to blame the other person (or someone else), making excuses for their actions, trying to justify themselves and their actions, or being sarcastic about the criticism.

All these reactions are ways to deflect or redirect criticism away from the individual concerned, and towards someone else.

These reactions are also ways to mask feelings of hurt. Defensiveness is an emotional reaction to a feeling of being attacked.

It involves the limbic system, which is a relatively primitive part of the brain that deals with emotions. Reactions using this system are therefore often very immediate and also very basic—anger, shock, and lashing out, for example.

Understanding this is key to avoiding and disarming defensiveness.

There is more about how to avoid becoming defensive yourself in our page on Defensiveness.

Avoiding Making People Defensive

If you occasionally encounter people who seem to be a bit sensitive to criticism, this section may not be relevant to you.

However, if you find that people around you often seem to be defensive, you have to recognise that this may be a problem with you, and how you communicate.

It is possible that something about the way that you talk or act towards other people may be making them feel attacked or criticised in some way. It is therefore worth taking time to change your behaviour to see if their reactions also change.

Options that you may want to consider include:

• Ask, don't criticise or complain

  Avoid starting conversations with a criticism, because this can often feel like an attack.

  Instead, make a request. Consider the difference between:

  "I know you're busy, but would you be able to prioritise this report? I'd really like to add my section and get it to my manager first thing tomorrow, before he goes on leave."

  And

  "You never prioritise work that I ask you to do! Every time, I have to come and nag you for it. Could you just for once get this report done today?"

  On a more personal level, we can all understand that it is infinitely pleasanter to be asked by your partner if you would mind emptying the dishwasher when it finishes, or hanging up the washing, rather than being told that you never do anything around the house.

• Consider whether your behaviour could be seen as trying to control someone else

  Defensiveness is often a response to what someone may see as an effort to control them or their behaviour.

  It is therefore worth considering whether your actions or words could be interpreted in this way.

  If you find yourself thinking that they "should" do something, or behave in a particular way, ask yourself why you think that. Is it because their behaviour makes you uncomfortable? That is actually your problem to solve, not theirs—and changing their behaviour should not be your way of solving it.

• Acknowledge your own faults and work on developing humility

  People may become defensive if they perceive that you are acting as though you are 'right' or superior in some way.

  Acknowledging your own faults and failings is therefore a very good way to disarm people and avoid them becoming defensive.

  In practice, this means the difference between acknowledging that we all make mistakes and forget things, and acting like you are above mistakes or forgetfulness. For example, you might say:

  "Not saying that you'll have forgotten that you said you would do X—but I know I often forget if I don't write things down..."

  Rather than:

  "Don't forget that you said you'd do X."

• Avoid sounding judgemental

  Try for a neutral tone and turn of phrase, rather than anything that implies that you dislike or are judging other people for their choices.

  "Would you mind using headphones? I'm trying to concentrate, and I'm finding your music very distracting."

  is very different from:

  "Please will you put on some headphones? I don't see why I should have to listen to your dodgy taste in music."

• Focus on problem-solving

  Perhaps the best way to avoid making people feel defensive is to use a problem-solving approach.

  Don't ask: "Who did this?" or "What did you do?"

  Instead, ask: "What happened, and how can we put it right?"

  You want to avoid anyone's immediate reaction being "It wasn't me!" Instead, you want helpful responses that focus on identifying the problem, and then solving it—in a collaborative and open way.

  Crucially, this kind of language and approach makes you part of the problem-solving process, rather than setting you apart from it.

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Disarming Defensiveness

What can you do if, despite your best efforts at calm, collaborative communication, someone still becomes defensive?

There are several ways that you can start to disarm defensiveness, centred in the understanding that this is an emotional response to a perceived attack.

These include:

• Avoid becoming defensive yourself

  When you are attacked—which is effectively what someone being defensive tries to do—it is easy to fall into the trap of becoming defensive yourself. However, this is unlikely to be helpful, because it will simply escalate the situation.

  Instead, try to remain calm and focused on the problem and how to solve it.

  You might, for example, look away, or take a few breaths just to calm yourself down. You might even suggest taking a few moments out, or perhaps going to get a drink before discussing the situation. All these give your own limbic system a chance to calm down.

• Show empathy

  Being defensive is the result of feeling attacked, or vulnerable to attack.

  Showing empathy for the person's situation or their reaction clearly demonstrates that you are not planning to attack them.

  Effectively, it calms down their limbic system by acknowledging that they are feeling vulnerable. This should allow them to move beyond the feeling, and consider things in a less emotional way.

• Find common ground

  Once you have shown that you understand the other person's feelings, it may be helpful to find some common ground.

  Try to find something on which you agree.

  This might be, for example, identifying the problem that needs to be solved, or agreeing that something has gone wrong. This allows you to start problem-solving from the same place, and also builds rapport.

• Focus on problem-solving

  A problem-solving approach is a good way to overcome defensiveness, as well as to avoid it in the first place.

  It encourages a cooperative approach that puts the two of you together against the world, rather than you against the other person. It shows them that they are not alone, and that you want to solve the issue with them, not leave them to it.

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A Final Thought

Defensiveness is a natural response to feeling attacked. However, it is never going to be helpful and constructive—whether in you or in those around you. Being able to identify it and quickly respond to it in yourself or others is therefore essential to maintain adult communication.

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