Being a step-parent is already a challenge. Being a step-parent to a child with additional needs (sometimes called ‘special needs’) is—like being a parent to such a child—never going to be easy. You have to recognise that the child’s needs will always come first with your spouse. Their child is likely to need more from them than other children might, and for longer. Depending on the severity of their needs, you may be talking about a lifelong commitment to providing care and supporting them, not just ‘until they become an adult’.

However, step-parenting in that situation can also be very rewarding, and even joyous—just as step-parenting any child can be. The key is to ensure that you fully understand what you are getting into, and that you are both ready and willing to accept the challenge. If not, it may be better to step away.

What is Meant by a Child with Additional or Special Needs?

There is no single agreed definition of ‘special needs’.

For a start, the term is used for both healthcare and educational needs. It is fairly obvious that those descriptions, and needs, can extend across a wide spectrum.

The general consensus is that children with special healthcare or educational needs have or are at risk of having some kind of disability or condition that means that they need more help or support than children generally. The disability or condition might be physical, mental, emotional, behavioural or developmental.

The term could therefore be used to describe children with specific learning difficulties such as dyslexia and dyspraxia, or those with broader conditions such as autism or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It could also be used for children with conditions affecting both physical and cognitive abilities, such as cerebral palsy, or even brain injuries.

Our pages on Supporting Children’s Learning and Development have more information about a wide range of special educational needs and learning difficulties.

Step-Parenting: A Very Specific Choice

It is worth saying upfront that step-parenting does not happen by chance.

You do not—or at least, only under very unusual circumstances—marry someone and later discover that they have children.

In the vast majority of cases, people who become step-parents know that they are marrying someone with children. Indeed, normally they will have known from the very beginning—the very first date, even—that they were dating a parent.

When you choose to marry a parent, you are not just marrying that person. You are also agreeing to take on their children—not as their parent, but as their step-parent.

Single parents and their children come as a unit, at least as long as the children are under 18, and possibly quite a lot longer. You don’t stop being a parent when your children become adults, it is a lifelong commitment.

It follows that when you start dating a single parent, you need to be prepared to accept their children too. There is no way round this. You cannot hope that their other parent will have them full-time, or that your partner will no longer wish to see their children now that you are around.

This is the choice that you make when dating a parent.

If you are not prepared to accept children in your life—your partner’s children, specifically—then do not date or marry a parent. You can make the choice to walk away, and you should do that if this is your position.

Similarly, you are able to make a choice about dating or marrying someone with a child with special needs.

If you feel that you cannot cope—or rather, that you will be unable to support your partner in their parenting of that particular child—it is probably better to be honest and walk away early. Indeed, many step-parents find the fact that they made a positive choice to be there is extremely helpful (see box).

Let us then start from the position that you have made a positive choice to be the step-parent to this particular child or children.

What Position Should You Take in the Family?

Your position is—or should be—relatively simple: you are the child’s step-parent.

As with any step-child, you are not their parent, and you do not have parental responsibility. Your partner is the primary parent, and their child is their responsibility (and our pages on Creating a Blended Family and Top Tips for Step-Parents provide more information about the general role of step-parents).

Your role is therefore to support your partner in their parenting.

It doesn’t really matter whether you have children of your own or not, or whether they too have additional needs. The point is that your partner should not push the responsibility for their child onto you.

However, this doesn’t mean that you can simply step away, and leave your partner to cope. You need to support them—and that may mean finding out more about your step-child’s condition, or working with your partner to find ways to support them that help you all.

What Actions is it Reasonable for You to Take?

Probably the first and most important action for you to take is to find out more about your step-child’s condition or disability.

Even if you are not going to be caring for them, you still need to understand them and know a bit about their condition. After all, at the very least you want to avoid doing anything that is likely to cause a problem for them or your partner. If the child is autistic, for example, you want to know more about what might trigger a meltdown, or when they become over-stimulated. You also want to know how you can best help your partner in any given situation—for example, by leaving, by staying, or by keeping others away.

How can you get this information? You can:

• Ask your partner. They are probably closest to the situation, and know best what is going on. Good, strong communication between the two of you will be essential to keep your relationship going over the years. This will enable you to offer help, and also to receive help and advice yourself.

• Do your own research. There is a huge amount of information available, and not just from Skills You Need. Charities often provide information about specific disabilities and conditions, and many also have forums where you can ask questions and get more information.

• Ask your partner’s family. Your parents-in-law and brothers- and sisters-in law are also potential sources of information about your step-child’s preferences and behaviours. You could also ask your partner’s ex, although it is worth checking this with your partner first.

Your need for information is for one reason: to enable you to fully support your partner to parent their child—in whatever way that takes. It is not to enable you to “handle” your step-child, or “manage” them in some way.

The other action that is entirely reasonable is to find yourself a support network.

Not your partner, or their family—but your own support, outside of your step-child’s family. That might be your parents or siblings, or your friends, or it might be internet strangers on a forum. The point is that you need a place to vent and ask for advice, and where you can get help and support when you need it.

What Happens if Things Change?

There is always the possibility that something may change in your relationship, or with your step-child. This might bring extra challenges to your situation.

For example:

• Your step-child’s other parent may be unable to co-parent anymore, for whatever reason, and your step-child may come to live with you full-time;

• Your step-child’s behaviour may change in some way, increasing the challenges;

• Your situation, or your partner’s situation, may change and add more stress to your family;

• You and your partner may decide to have a baby, which may affect the family dynamics.

How do you cope?

There is, of course, a world of difference between consequences that you caused directly through your actions—such as choosing to have another child—and those that arise spontaneously, such as your partner’s ex being unable to co-parent.

Your own role in the events may make you more or less willing to take action to manage the consequences. However, it doesn’t really alter the fact that you need to find a way to do so.

Whatever the cause, the key to coping is to remember that you made a positive choice to be there.

You should also remember that you and your partner are a team. You need to work together to manage this challenge, maintaining good communication between you. This is their child, but you are helping to raise them.

A Special Situation: A New Case of Special Needs

There is one other situation that is worth discussing: if your step-child has an accident or illness that causes them to develop special needs, or is newly diagnosed with a condition.

In other words, the actual needs, or your knowledge of them, arose after you were married.

In this case, you clearly haven’t made a choice to be there—but then, neither has your partner, or your step-child’s other parent. You have made a choice to marry your spouse knowing that they had children, and in the knowledge that almost anything can happen in life.

Sorry, but this is the ‘for worse’ bit that you signed up to in your marriage vows.

Can you just walk away because you think you can’t cope? Of course you can.

Should you? Probably not. Your partner needs your support, and so does your step-child. If the situation is adversely affecting your own children, that might be time to consider as a couple how you might manage things differently. This might even include having separate accommodation for the two ‘sides’ of the family. However, it is still not necessarily time to walk away completely.

Remember, you made a commitment to each other when you got married. You wanted to be together.

Keep communicating, keep supporting each other, and keep seeking help beyond your family to enable you both—and others—to keep going together.

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In Conclusion...

You are unlikely to find step-parenting a child with special needs is an easy option.

However, you are unlikely to find that step-parenting any child is always easy.

All children bring challenges—and all relationships also have challenges. The key is to understand what you are getting into, and remember that you made a positive choice to be there.

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