Managing Disagreements About Parenting

What is a Parenting Disagreement?

What do we mean by a parenting disagreement?

For the purposes of this page, we mean a situation where two parents in a romantic relationship (marriage, living together, civil partnership, or simply a current romantic partnership) disagree about something to do with how they bring up their child or children. It might be a matter of discipline, it might be about where the child goes to school, or about extra-curricular activities or clubs, or even about how much one or other set of grandparents is involved.

The key is that the disagreement is causing conflict between the two of you, and disrupting your own relationship.

The key is your relationship

We are not talking about co-parenting—sharing parenting with someone with whom you are not having a romantic relationship—where you may well have different approaches, and that is fine. This is about disagreements between two people who should ideally be working as a team.

Why Do Parenting Disagreements Arise?

Parenting disagreements tend to start from the point that both people were parented in different ways themselves.

They will therefore almost certainly have different ideas about what works, especially for discipline. They may also have alternative visions of what is ‘normal’ for children and families. However, this does not have to escalate into a disagreement. It is perfectly possible to use different styles and approaches in your parenting without any conflict.

It is, however, likely to become a problem if your approaches cut across each other, or leave either partner feeling unsupported and resentful. This is most likely to happen in relation to discipline, and especially if you fall into the ‘good cop, bad cop’ trap (see box).

What is the Good Cop/Bad Cop Trap?

The good cop/bad cop trap happens when one parent has a far more relaxed attitude to discipline than the other.

Children quickly learn that if the more severe parent says no, they can just go to the other parent, and will get a ‘yes’. It is usually, but not always, the parent who spends most time with the children who is the stricter ‘bad cop’. This is because the ‘good cop’ wants to enjoy their limited time with the children, without having to do anything unpleasant.

The ‘bad cop’ will often find that they become stricter and stricter, in an effort to balance out the laxity of the ‘good cop’. They find themselves always being cross with the children, or in the position of enforcing boundaries that they feel are important, but being undermined. It can also leave the children very confused about boundaries and rules, which is never going to be helpful.

The ‘bad cop’ can also find themselves resenting the ‘good cop’, who gets to have fun with the children, and never experience any of the negatives of enforcing discipline. This, in turn, can damage the relationship between the parents.

For everyone’s sake, therefore, this trap is best avoided.

Top Tips for Managing Parenting Disagreements

Parenting disagreements are almost certain to happen sooner or later.

The key is how you manage them so that your relationship emerges stronger.

Tips for managing parenting disagreements include:

Don’t disagree in front of the children

This is an absolute.

However much you disagree with your partner, don’t say so in front of the children.

Back them up in the moment, and have the difficult conversation later. Your children need to see you presenting a united front. They don’t need to see disciplinary cracks that they can try to exploit—because they will certainly do so.

Some couples find that it is helpful to have a code word that they can use to tell the other that they disagree and need to talk later, or to enable one to ask for or offer help. It may be particularly helpful to have an agreed way of stepping in to a situation and letting your partner step out, especially if they are becoming very heated and need an opportunity to get themselves back under control. This kind of ‘tag-teaming’ can allow you to use different approaches without creating conflict, provided you have agreed the boundaries beforehand.

It is also helpful if you don’t agree to anything major—first sleepover, first independent outing with a friend—until you have discussed it with your partner. This will mean that you can agree what you both think before telling your child, and therefore automatically present a united front.

Use the rules of relationship feedback when discussing issues

It is never going to go well if you start by telling your partner that they are wrong and you are right.

Instead, use the rules for giving feedback to your partner:

Use ‘I’ statements and focus on how the impact of their behaviour on you (“When you let the children do that, it makes it really hard for me to stop them doing [other behaviour]”).
Talk about behaviour, not personality (“When you do x...”, not “You’re wrong”).
Be specific about the issue and its impact on you.
Address it quickly, not weeks later (though still not in front of your children).

Listen to your partner’s views

Approach the conversation with your partner in a spirit of genuine curiosity.

You should want to understand why your partner is taking that particular approach. Listen to their explanation, and use paraphrasing and other clarification techniques to ensure that you understand fully. In turn, they should give you the same courtesy of listening to your opinion and why it matters to you.

This kind of open approach will allow you both to explain your positions, and genuinely understand each other. You can then work together to agree on an approach that suits both of you.

Agree on the big issues, and don’t sweat the small stuff

Focus on the big picture.

In parenting, you need to agree on your broad approach, and the things that really matter to you both.

You don’t need to score points off your partner, or ‘win’ every disagreement.

The precise way in which you both deliver on the agreed broad approach doesn’t really matter all that much. What your partner does might not be quite how you would approach the same issue—but if it is broadly consistent with your general parenting approach, that difference doesn’t matter. Let it go—and even consider whether you might change your approach if theirs seems to work well.

Fundamentally, you need to aim to solve the problem, not score points.

Total consistency is not necessary

Even as parents, you don’t need a completely consistent approach.

Consistency is good—in the sense that your children need to understand the rules and boundaries.

However, as they grow and develop, they will come into contact with all kinds of people—grandparents, parents of their friends, teachers, coaches, tutors and so on. These people will all have slightly different approaches, and slightly different rules and boundaries. Children need to learn how to navigate this—and the differences in your parenting approaches can give them their first experience of doing so.

Reframe the issue

If you are really struggling to find common ground, try reframing the issue in some way.

For example, if you find yourselves getting very heated talking about your own child, it is worth talking about someone else’s child or parenting issue.

This may sound odd, but it is often much easier to decide what a mutual friend should do. Talking about their similar parenting problem can give you a new insight into your partner’s views—and them into yours. This may help you to better understand why you have disagreed, and how to resolve the issue together.

Similarly, it is worth remembering that your partner is not ‘wrong’, just that their opinions are different from yours.

If you approach the problem as ‘we have different views about how to address this issue, and we need to find a way forward’, rather than ‘he/she is wrong and I am right’, you will be far more likely to find a successful compromise.

Be flexible and be prepared to try several options—but in turn

In parenting, the first option that you try is very unlikely to be the last.

It is therefore worth being flexible about your approach to resolving disagreements. Agree to try one partner’s approach first, and if that doesn’t work after an agreed period, move on to the other’s. It really doesn’t matter whose idea is tried first, or whether it works. What is crucial is that you make a decision and then stick to it for the agreed period.

Remember, you’re not scoring points, you’re working together to solve a problem.

A special case: resolving the good cop/bad cop trap

If you have fallen into the good cop/bad cop trap, that is likely to require a particular—and very simple—approach to resolve it:

The ‘bad cop’ needs to follow the ‘good cop’s’ lead on disciplinary issues.

No automatic ‘yes of course’. Instead, try ‘What did Mummy/Daddy say?’, and then ‘Well then, that’s the answer, isn’t it?’. You can discuss it later, when the children aren’t there—but for now, support the decision.

It is also a good idea if both of you try focusing on the behaviour that you want, and praising that when it happens, however briefly. Try to ignore the unwanted behaviour altogether, if possible.

What will usually happen is that the ‘bad cop’ will feel able to relax their approach, and stop feeling that they have to compensate for the other partner’s lack of discipline. The boundaries will be clearer to the children, and they will be less likely to misbehave. You will both then feel better able to enjoy spending time with your children.

Conclusion

It is important to remember that your relationship with your partner is your children’s main role model for adult relationships.

It is helpful for them to see you being able to have disagreements—including about them—and talking things through to come to a decision together. Having disagreements per se is not a bad thing. How you resolve them, however, really matters, and not just for you.

Continue to:
Creating a Blended Family
Top Tips for Step-Parents