Managing in Midlife and Beyond: Worrying about a Friend
See also: EmpathyOne of the issues about getting older is that many of your friends are also in the same situation. Along with concerns about your own health, many people in midlife and beyond therefore find themselves worrying about friends who are showing signs of decline mentally or physically. In this situation, the main concern is likely to be that family members do not seem to have noticed—and therefore how to raise the issue.
The question for most people is how to raise concerns without ‘taking over’, or becoming responsible for the problem. Not unreasonably, many people do not wish to become responsible for their friends—after all, most people have their own issues related to aging. They also do not want their friend’s family to feel like they have been bypassed. This page provides some advice and suggestions for what to do in this situation.
What Do We Mean by ‘Worrying’ About a Friend?
Nobody wants to hear that a friend is ill. You are obviously going to worry if a friend tells you that they have a diagnosis of cancer, or dementia, or any other similar condition.
However, you know that if they have a diagnosis, someone is looking after them. There are medical professionals and other carers providing care. Their family will be alert to the situation and looking out for them. Your involvement, therefore, is limited to providing support and friendship, to whatever extent you wish to be involved.
What, though, if you think that your friend might be ill or struggling to cope, but nobody closer seems to have noticed?
This is clearly a lot more worrying. This page therefore focuses on how you might act on concerns about someone in this situation.
What Signs Might Cause You to Worry About Someone Else?
Age UK suggests that there are three levels of concerns about someone else:
Lower level concerns are often the first signs of a problem. They are small changes that suggest that someone cannot maintain standards that they once took pride in. Examples include not doing the housework or wearing clothes with marks on them. They might also include forgetting about commitments, or getting a bit confused about events. These changes might not be noticed by someone who did not know the person well. They may also be unseen by family members if the person is trying hard to make an effort for their relatives.
Medium level concerns are issues that affect the person’s routine, such as not getting out of bed, refusing to leave the house, or not washing regularly. These concerns will probably be noticed by other people, and not just those who know someone well.
Higher level concerns are those that seriously affect health or wellbeing. They might include drinking too much, or not taking medication, or not being able to see where they are going.
It is most likely that a friend would notice the lower level concerns before other people become involved.
What Can You Do if You Have Low-Level Concerns About a Friend?
Exactly what you should do in any given situation will depend on the circumstances. However, possible options include:
Talking to Your Friend
Discussing your concerns with your friend can help them to admit that they are struggling.
However, it can be difficult to start those conversations if you don’t want to seem like you are interfering. You may also be reluctant to get involved, and feel like it’s not really your problem. One way to raise issues is by talking about your own problems and then asking your friend about theirs. You might also consider leading into their issues via those of a mutual friend or acquaintance with similar problems.
One Conversation May Not Be Enough!
It may take several conversations to get to the point where you are able to voice your concerns, or your friend admits that they need help. If you feel it is important, keep going—or rather, keep being available to talk, and to discuss problems.
Try to avoid saying outright that you think they may be struggling. This is likely to lead people to become defensive, and that definitely won’t help. Instead, ask them open-ended questions (and for more about this, see our page on Types of Questions) and listen to their responses.
Talking to a Member of Their Family or Another Friend Who Knows the Family Well
If you are already in touch with your friend’s family (children or siblings, for example), it is relatively easy to tell them that you are worried.
It is even easier if you were the only witness to an event, and you can therefore call to let them know what happened.
However, if you are not already in touch, it is a little harder.
First, you may not have contact details for anyone. Second, taking your concerns to your friend’s family may feel a bit ‘nuclear’.
It has all kinds of potential implications. Your friend or their family might think you are interfering. You don’t know if they have noticed the problem, or if they are already acting. You don’t want to imply that they are neglectful or not concerned about their relative. You may also feel that you don’t have time or energy to become involved.
One way around this is to talk to another friend who is closer to the family.
They are more likely to have contact details for family members, and also be able to either raise concerns directly with the family, or tell you that they are already worried and taking action.
Case Study: Friends in Action
Alice was worried about one of her friends. Jane was becoming increasingly forgetful, and getting very confused about dates, people, and what she was doing. She was also refusing to drive anywhere because she couldn’t start her car. It wasn’t just Alice, either: several other friends had also noticed.
The problem was that Jane’s sons both lived some distance away. They did not see her regularly, and nobody was sure that they even knew that she was becoming confused. To make matters worse, nobody had their contact details.
Alice worried and worried about what to do.
Then she had an idea.
Jane’s goddaughter, Kate, lived locally—and more importantly, Alice knew her, and had her telephone number.
She called Kate, and outlined her concerns. She explained that others had also expressed worries, and that she did not know how to contact Jane’s sons. Kate was calm and kind. She thanked Alice for calling, and told her that the family knew there was a problem. However, she appreciated—given Alice’s call—that things might well have escalated since the last time her sons saw Jane. She promised that she would phone Jane’s son and pass on Alice’s concerns. Alice was able to relax properly for the first time in several weeks, in the knowledge that others were involved.
For talking to both your friend and their family, you may find it helpful to visit our pages on Communicating in Difficult Situations and Challenging Conversations with Your Partner. Both pages provide tips and advice for communicating when emotions may be running high and people do not necessarily want to hear what you have to say.
Talking to a Professional
If nobody else is available, and there are no family members nearby or at all, you could approach a professional.
Ideally, you would get your friend’s permission to talk to them. However, you can raise concerns without permission if you are really worried. The best option is to contact the adult safeguarding team at your local council (in the UK) or the equivalent elsewhere.
Not Your Problem?
It is important to remember that you are not actually under an obligation to do anything to report concerns about a friend.
You can just let things go until they reach a crisis—or just keep going.
It really isn’t your problem unless you want it to be.
If you don’t have the time or energy to get involved, that’s OK.
Even if you do decide to report your concerns to a professional, you still don’t have to be involved further or do anything else to provide support.
What Do You Do if You Think Someone is at Immediate Risk of Coming to Harm or Causing Harm?
What about if you think there is an immediate risk to your friend’s life or health?
If you think there is a real risk of serious harm coming to your friend (or to someone else because of your friend), you should phone the emergency services.
If it is not an emergency, but you think there is a real concern, your best option is to call adult protective services. In the UK, these services are provided by local councils (at county or unitary level), and you should ask for ‘Adult safeguarding services’. Ideally, you should have your friend’s permission to call—but you can still call without permission.
What Do You Do if Someone Refuses to Engage with Help and Support?
One of the most difficult issues to manage is if your friend refuses to engage with the help and support available.
Perhaps they don’t want people coming into their home to help. They may not like being helped to dress or shower—it is, after all, pretty intimate. Or maybe they don’t want to take their medication because of how it makes them feel. Possibly they just don’t want to lose their independence, however much they are struggling.
What can you do if someone refuses the help and support that they clearly need?
Provided they are capable of making their own decisions, the answer is precisely nothing.
Actually, even if they’re not capable of making those decisions, it’s still very difficult to force people to accept help—and realistically, no care providers are going to try. You can gently try to persuade them, but ultimately, you may need to accept that, in the words of the proverb, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”. Ultimately, you have to recognise that it is your friend’s choice to make.
Conclusion
It is never nice to be worrying about someone, especially if you are not sure that anyone else is aware.
It is especially unpleasant to be worrying about someone, but feeling like you have no way to intervene, because you are ‘only’ a friend. Hopefully this page has shown how you can approach the situation, and enabled you to help your friend get support if necessary.