We’ve all been there: that slightly sinking feeling when you learn that a contemporary, or someone you know, has done something impressive.

It is not exactly jealousy, more a feeling that you have fallen behind somehow, or failed to measure up to expectations. You want to be pleased for them, and celebrate what they have achieved, but that is unlikely to be your first or even your dominant emotion unless you are very unusual.

Psychologists suggest that we constantly evaluate ourselves, across a wide range of domains, by comparing ourselves to others. How we value ourselves is not an absolute, but depends on how we measure up compared with those around us. This page explains more about these social comparisons—and why you might need to be both aware and wary of them.

Introducing Social Comparison Theory

The theory behind this idea is social comparison theory, proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954.

Festinger suggested that we determine our social and personal worth by comparing ourselves to other people. In other words, our worth is not absolute, but determined by those around us.

You can see this in practice when you ask people whether they think they are rich. People who are—by most standards—extremely comfortably off will often say that they do not feel rich. This is usually because they do not earn as much as many of their friends or acquaintances. In other words, in their social group they are less well off, and therefore see themselves as such—despite earning considerably more than most of the general population.

The Impact of Social Comparison

Social comparison appears to have both positive and negative effects:

• It can be motivating and help you to feel grateful

  This is perhaps the most positive aspect of social comparison. When you see what someone else has achieved, it can motivate you to greater things. Especially when you can directly compare yourself to that person (for example, because they are a friend or a contemporary), it can make a goal seem more achievable, and encourage you to strive towards it. This is the basis of the idea of ‘friendly competition’, where achievements within a social group encourage others within that group to aim higher and achieve more, lifting the performance of the whole group. Similarly, comparing yourself to people worse off than you can make you feel grateful for what you have. Seeing the challenges faced by others can also help you to develop more resilience in the face of your own problems.

• It can be demotivating and even destructive

  Research has shown that people who regularly compare themselves to others may feel dissatisfied or guilty (depending on whether they compare themselves to people who are better off or worse off than themselves). If you constantly compare yourself to people who are better off than you, you may start to feel inadequate, affecting your self-confidence and self-esteem. Unchecked, comparisons can lead to envy, and worse, to mental health problems such as depression.

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On the other hand, if you compare yourself to people who are less well-off than you, then you may become arrogant. This is exacerbated because most of us have a tendency to think that we are generally better than others anyway. In surveys, for example, around two thirds of Americans say that they are more intelligent than average—which is, of course, mathematically impossible.

Is Comparison Really Social?

One interesting suggestion around social comparison is that it is not really social at all.

You may feel inadequate when you see others’ success, but only in some situations.

Generally, feelings of inadequacy arise when you compare yourself with someone you know, and particularly someone with whom you can closely identify—a school or college contemporary, for example.

You do not generally feel bad when someone you do not know becomes successful, unless you can make a direct comparison with yourself (say, for example, that they are exactly the same age as you).

This suggests that the comparison is less about what others have achieved, as what you have not.

In other words, the comparison is not with others, but with your own potential: the choices that you did not make. Seeing the success of others shows what you too could have achieved, if you had made different choices.

This idea of lives unlived is a regular trope in both literature and films: think Sliding Doors, The Versions of Us, and so on. The frequency with which it appears shows that it is very attractive as a concept. It is also, however, completely pointless as a way to live your life. Think about it like this:

You did not make that choice, agreed.

However, there was a reason for the choice that you made instead.

The reason might simply have been apathy, or concern about the potential consequences—in which case, that choice was simply not for you, and you would probably not have enjoyed the results. However, your choice might also have been positive. Perhaps you chose a different path that felt more in line with where you wanted to be at that moment, or closer to your chosen course in life.

More importantly, you cannot very often go back and remake choices, especially not many years later.

It is therefore important not to look back. Instead, if you feel unhappy about where you are in life, look forward to where you might go next (and our pages on Career Management Skills and Personal Development provide more advice about this).

Let’s consider the quote from Tom Lehrer above. Ostensibly, Lehrer was comparing his own lack of achievements with the huge success of Mozart. However, he might also—and not unreasonably—have been saying that he may not have composed at the same level as Mozart, but he was nonetheless still alive, still making music, and seemed pretty happy with his life. Who, we might ask, was actually more successful?

Managing Social Comparisons

It is almost impossible to avoid making any kind of social comparison. Invitations to do so are all around us, both in real life and on social media.

The key is therefore to manage comparisons so that they help you, but without having negative effects. In other words:

• Compare upwards to give yourself inspiration, but do not beat yourself up about what you have not (yet) achieved, or define yourself by what you see; and

• Compare downwards to help yourself be grateful for what you have, and support your resilience.

If you find that you are making too many comparisons, and they are not really helpful, then there are several things that you could try. For example:

• Consider reducing your exposure to social media. Social media has many positive aspects, but it also has many downsides. In particular, the level of curated perfection can be hard to manage: it is difficult to remember that everyone has challenges when all they are showing is fabulous moments.

• Focus on what you have, not what you do not have. Comparing ourselves with other people tends to mean that we focus on what we do not have. Instead, concentrate on what you do have: the good things in life, and the things that you are grateful for. There is more about this in our page on Gratitude.

• Do something for someone else. Take your mind off comparisons by doing something for someone else. Volunteering is a great way to give back to society—and it has the huge benefit of making us feel good about ourselves, too.

• Take a moment to think about what you want. When you start to use social comparisons as inspiration, you may lose sight of what you actually want from life. Take time to think about whether other people’s goals match yours, or whether you want something different. Our page on Developing a Personal Vision may be helpful here.

• Get your internal dialogue under control. Negative comparisons often feed our internal dialogue, the ‘little voice in our heads’ that tells us that we are not quite good enough. Learn to manage your internal dialogue so that you get the little voice under control, and stop it from chipping away at your self-confidence. There is more about how to do this in our page on Managing Your Internal Dialogue.

• Build supportive relationships. We said above that ‘friendly competition’ can lift a whole group’s performance. You can reach this point deliberately by surrounding yourself with supportive people who are happy to share their expertise and celebrate everyone’s success. Avoid people who make you feel down in some way.

A Final Thought

It is never going to be possible to avoid all comparisons with other people.

Making comparisons seems to be an important part of being human, and finding our place in the world. However, it is not the only way to identify your place in the world—and you certainly should not use comparisons as the main way to define your self-worth.

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