Assertiveness - An Introduction
Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and communication skills training. Often wrongly confused with aggression, assertive individuals aim to be neither passive nor aggressive in their interactions with other people.
Although everyone acts in passive and aggressive ways from time to time, such ways of responding often result from a lack of self-confidence and, therefore, are inappropriate expressions of what such people really need to say.
Non-assertiveness may be seen as the use of inefficient communication skills, whereas assertiveness is considered a balanced response, being neither passive nor aggressive. This page examines the rights and responsibilities of assertive behaviour and aims to show how assertiveness can benefit you. (You may also be interested in our pages on Self-Esteem and Negotiation)
What is Assertiveness?
The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines assertiveness as:
“Forthright, positive, insistence on the recognition of one's rights”
In other words:
Assertiveness means standing up for your personal rights - expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways.
It is important to note also that:
By being assertive we should always respect the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of other people.
Assertiveness concerns being able to express feelings, wishes, wants and desires appropriately and is an important personal and interpersonal skill. In all your interactions with other people, whether at home or at work, with employers, customers or colleagues, assertiveness can help you to express yourself in a clear, open and reasonable way, without undermining the rights of yourself or others.
Assertiveness enables an individual to act in their own best interests, to stand up for themselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably and to express personal rights without denying the rights of others.
Passive, Aggressive and Assertive
Responding in a passive or non-assertive way tends to mean compliance with the wishes of others and can undermine individual rights and self-confidence.
Many people adopt a passive response because they have a strong need to be liked by others. Such people do not regard themselves as equals because they place greater weight on the rights, wishes and feelings of others. Being passive results in failure to communicate thoughts or feelings and results in people doing things they really do not want to do in the hope that they might please others. This also means that they allow others to take responsibility, to lead and make decisions for them.
A classic passive response is offered by those who say 'yes' to requests when they actually want to say 'no'.
“Do you think you can find the time to wash the car today?”
A typical passive reply might be:
“Yes, I'll do it after I've done the shopping, made an important telephone call, finished the filing, cleaned the windows and made lunch for the kids!”
A far more appropriate response would have been:
“No, I can't do it today as I've got lots of other things I need to do.”
It is obvious that the person responding passively really does not have the time, but their answer does not convey this message. The second response is assertive as the person has considered the implications of the request in the light of the other tasks they have to do.
By responding passively, individuals are more inclined to portray themselves in a negative light or put themselves down and, as a result, may actually come to feel inferior to others. Passive responding can encourage treatment that reinforces a passive role. While the underlying causes of passive responding are often poor self-confidence and self-esteem, passive responding itself can serve to yet further reduce feelings of self-worth.
You may find that you respond passively, aggressively or assertively when you are communicating in different situations. It is important to remember that any interaction is always a two-way process and therefore your reactions may differ, depending upon your relationship with the other person in the communication. You may for example find it easier to be assertive to your partner than to your boss or vice-versa.
By responding in an aggressive way, the rights and self-esteem of the other person are undermined. Aggressive responses can include a wide range of behaviours, like rushing someone unnecessarily, telling rather than asking, ignoring someone, or not considering another's feelings.
Good interpersonal skills mean you need to be aware of the different ways of communicating and the different response each approach might provoke. The use of either passive or aggressive behaviour in interpersonal relationships can have undesirable consequences for those you are communicating with and it may well hinder positive moves forward.
Aggressive behaviour fails to consider the views or feelings of other individuals. Rarely will praise or appreciation of others be shown and an aggressive response tends to put others down. Aggressive responses encourage the other person to respond in a non-assertive way, either aggressively or passively.
It can be a frightening or distressing experience to be spoken to aggressively and the receiver can be left wondering what instigated such behaviour or what he or she has done to deserve the aggression.
If thoughts and feelings are not stated clearly, this can lead to individuals manipulating others into meeting their wishes and desires. Manipulation can be seen as a covert form of aggression whilst humour can also be used aggressively.
See our page: Dealing with Aggression for more information.
Being assertive involves taking into consideration your own rights, wishes, wants, needs and desires, as well as those of the other person. Assertiveness means encouraging others to be open and honest about their views, wishes and feelings, so that both parties act appropriately.
Assertive behaviour includes:
- Being open in expressing wishes, thoughts and feelings and encouraging others to do likewise.
- Listening to the views of others and responding appropriately, whether in agreement with those views or not.
- Accepting responsibilities and being able to delegate to others. (See our page, Delegation Skills for more).
- Regularly expressing appreciation of others for what they have done or are doing.
- Being able to admit to mistakes and apologise.
- Maintaining self-control.
- Behaving as an equal to others.
Follow the links below and continue to learn about and develop your assertiveness skills.